How does an adult daughter forgive her mom when her mom still won't stop?

Question

Mom is on husband #4 and married him while we were kindergarten age. He treated us like crap and she let him do it.

She has betrayed my confidence repeatedly to the point that neither my brother or me will tell her anything.

She has "ganged up" on me during my pregnancy and has conspired against me/us with both my ex and my sister-in-law repeatedly.

Now, she is mid 60's and really drugged up on anti-depressants.

I relocated to get away from her and the sister-in-law just over two years ago.

Now, even from a distance, her new thing is to conspire with my sister-in-law about my son...because he's the only connection she's got now.

She loves gossip and drama and scandal, but as a mom, I can not understand why she doesn't feel loving and supportive toward me.

By the way, she also verbally tears up my brother's kids behind his back...which by the way...is also my sister in law's kids??? Which is her conspiracy buddy.

This is hurting me!! Help!!

Answer 1

Some times you just can't forgive and you have to walk away. It sounded like you were asking about my mother.

I had all of the same problems with part of my family including my mother and I tried everything I could to get along with her and two of my brothers. But every time I went to visit her I would leave very upset and I would stay that way for days.

The one Sunday as we were headed home and I was upset once again, my husband asked me why I do it. He said he could see no logical reason for me to put myself and our three daughters through the pain of these visits.

So we stopped going. My mother lives about 35 miles from us and I have not nor spoken to her in 12 years. I am much better off and my children are much better off. They have since told me how much they hated the visits because of how it affected me. At the time I had no idea it was effecting them too.

So maybe it is time to walk away and stop communication for a while. You can always reassess later if you want too.
Good Luck and my Prayers are with you.

Answer 2

I wish I had a nice answer for you but this situation has no easy answers. Your mom is obviously a very hurtful person. Do the benefits outweigh the risks to your son by keeping the connection? I have cut off all communication with my family because they will never stop their hurtfull behavior. Unfortunately my mom died while I was not talking to her. She was also very hurtful and muniplative, but now that she is gone my heart remembers more than my head. Your mom will probably never change, but maybe it will help you to look at her for who she really is. She is a very sad person to be so hurtful. I am sure she really has no clue what she is doing, she is just messed up. You must protect yourself, but if you can step back and see that she is sick maybe it can take away some of her power to hurt. Your sister in law is dealing with her the only way she knows how, she is stuck in the same web but does not have the insight that you do. All I know is that it is sad that it takes death for us to truly see how much we really love someone. Try to imagine how you would feel if your mom died, I know it sounds weird, but maybe it can help you reach a place inside where you feel love for her and you can nurture that and feel sorry for her loss because she will never know the kind of love that she could have if she were not so mean. As much as my mother hurt me, I miss her so much, because afterall she was my mom.

Answer 3

To make your life bearable, cutting her out of it might be the best solution. Some people might consider that harsh/unforgiving, but you need to do what's best for you and your son and not worry about what anybody else thinks or says!!

Your mother's problems are hers; by continuing to stress over them, you are becoming miserable even 'tho you moved.

Concentrate on your own and you son's lives. Have nothing to do with her or your sister-in-law. Try to make new friends where you are in order to replace the lack of contact with the people who are causing you so much heartache.

Be strong; be committed to your son and yourself because you cannot control your mom. If she changes someday and you want to get in touch, fine. Who knows why she is the way she is? Maybe her childhood wasn't very loving so she doesn't know how to give love and support to you.

Answer 4

Sometimes you have to cut people off if they surround you with negativity. She is miserable, has ruined her own life, and it sounds like her spiteful nature has her trying to ruin yours as well. Putting you down and having other people on her side makes her feel better about her own situation. It's a coping mechanism that she'll use til the day she dies unless she finds another way to deal with her issues. Sometimes family can screw you over more than strangers can, so she may be your mother but that doesn't make her a good person. Keep only positive people in your life and love your mother from a distance.

Answer 5

Wow, that is so sad! Good for you for moving away from all that drama! All you can so is keep your conversations simple and not really confide anything that you want repeated (I know, thats terrible). Also, when she begins to push your buttons or the conversation turns a direction you do not like (gossipy) just say, "you know what, I forgot such and such, gotta go." Or if ya wanna take the bull by the horns, tell her you do not appreciate talk like that and will not be a part of it. She wants to be a part of your childs life, make sure she knows it under your guidence and your rules, and if she treats them in a way you do not see fit, then she will not be able to see them.

I feel for ya, I really do. There are also support groups - alanon is one, you can go and talk to others in your situation and see how they dealt with it and what works.

Answer 6

You should let her know that if she can not act like an adult then you will discontinue this toxic relationship. It is not healthy for you or your child to be involved in this. Cut her off as much as it is going to hurt, it is worth your sanity. Or when you talk to her stop telling her things that are personal. We had to stop telling my mother in law anything personal cause we found out she was twisting things and telling everyone that she could imagine. Horrible that we can not involve her in things but she is the one who screwed up.

Answer 7

She is wrong in what she is doing, but she is your Mom and we all want forgiveness. I feel sorry for her, she has a great daughter that wants to forgive her. I am sorry! I hope things get better for you and your family! Live your own life and love your family she will regret everything!
You seem like a wonderful person, don't let her get you down it effects your own family, just look to the future and be happy!

Answer 8

I think you just need to tell her TO HER FACE that you do not appreciate the way she's treating you and if she won't stop it and mind her own business then she won't be seeing her grandchildren. See what you can do about this legally. It sounds like she's just making everyone miserable and unhappy and someone from the outside needs to intervene.

Answer 9

Sounds like a job for Dr. Phil.

Answer 10

I had to walk my from my family for similar reasons.you should too It ain't easy but for peace of mind it is necassary. Cut her off completely and tell her not to communicate in any form tell her she was lousy mother and worse wife.that should keep her away.
Be strong