what is the best joke u ever heard?

Question

i'm having a bad day and i need a good laugh! the best will get 12 points!!

Answer 1

Bozo's Big Beautiful ***?
There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''

It is the best joke I ever heard. If it amuses you, the credit goes to GK.

Answer 2

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb *** horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

Answer 3

i need 12 points

Answer 4

CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her
things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft
background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,
and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room
and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into
the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was
bliss for
the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the
place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were
steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,
during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they
even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...

Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and
decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in
half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got
out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their
calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the
bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were
going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened
politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would
be willing to reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he
agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been
worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She
agreed, and within
the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking
as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their
new home....


including the curtain rods.


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?


13 Reasons to Smile

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.



Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.



How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"



I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."



Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!



Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.



Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"



And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.



TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE!
The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were
> flying on Air Force One.
>
> George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You
> know, I could throw a
> $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make
> somebody very happy."
>
> Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could
> throw ten $100
> bills out of the window and make ten people very
> happy."
>
> Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw
> one hundred $10
> bills out of the window and make a hundred people
> very happy."
>
> Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes
> and said to his
> co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could
> throw all of them
> out of the window and make 56 million people very
> happy.

Answer 5

Your friend (let's call him Bob) is driving along the highway one day when his car breaks down. A farmer stops to offer his help. The farmer says, "I am not going to town until tomorrow but he can stay overnight at his house if he would like but on one condition - he doesn't touch his daughters Nellie or Venus." Bob is an upstanding person and has a girlfriend so he agrees.

They arrive at the farm and Nellie and Venus are very attractive. It is late so they all head to bed. Suddenly Bob gets a knock on the door, it is Nellie. She says, "Meet me in my Daddy's truck." Bob thinks - who would ever find out - so he heads to the truck, they do it and he comes back to bed.

A little while later he hears another knock, this time it is Venus. She says, "Meet me in my Daddy's truck." Bob again thinks - who would ever find out - so he goes to the truck and does it with Venus too.

The next morning they all get up, head to town and the farmer doesn't know a thing.

A few months later Bob gets a letter - it reads - "Was it you who did the pushin' left the stain upon my cushion left your footprints in my dashboard upside down. Since you've met my daughter Nellie she's had trouble with her belly sir I think it's time for you to come around."

Well, Bob is shocked and doesn't want his girlfriend to find out so he writes the farmer back. "Dear Sir - it was me who did the pushin' left the stain upon your cushion, left my footprints in your dashboard upside down. Since I met your daughter Venus I've had trouble with my Penis sir I think we'll call it even all around."

Answer 6

~A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
>> >stayed
>> >home.
>> > He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
>> >
>> > "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
> merely
>> > stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow
>> > her
>> > body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
>> >
>> > God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
>> >
>> > The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
>> >
>> > He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out
> their
>> > school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to
>> > school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the
> cleaners
>> > and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then
>> > drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the
>> > checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it
> was
>> > already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum,
>> > dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
>> > Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with
>> > them
>> > on the way home.
>> > Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
> homework,
>> > then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
>> >
>> > At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
>> > breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
>> > After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
> laundry,
>> > bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
>> >
>> > At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't
> finished,
>> > he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to
> get
>> > through without complaint.
>> > The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
>> > Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my
>> > wife's
>> > being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
>> >
>> > The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have
>> > learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the
>> > way
>> > they were."
>> > You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last
>> > night."~

Answer 7

Discover how to get your ex back with simple text message: https://tr.im/9Qvip

Many girls break up with their significant others, is because they need time to figure things out. Don't take it personally, if you want her back, you have to show her you can help her. If you love her then you'll let her go, that's it. Not everybody who you date in high school you end up staying with, the chances are extremely unlikely. So if she doesn't want to, then you need to let her go.

Answer 8

A Woman’s Touch

A flasher walks by two old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself. One of the old ladies has a stroke…the other one can’t reach it.

Answer 9

That Hillary is running for President in 2008

Answer 10

It is funny, but it is also the grossest joke ever, so I am restrained from saying it.