What is the funniest short joke you know?

Question

I'm awful at remembering jokes - does anybody know any really funny, snappy jokes?

Answer 1

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want
to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By
this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

Answer 2

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Answer 3

THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER

1.Can you hold my beer while I reach for my license (okay in TX)
2.Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4.Hey! You must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5.Are you Andy or Barney?
6.I thought you had to be in relatively good condition to be a police officer.
7.You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
8.I pay your salary?
9.Gee officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10.Do YOU know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11.I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12.When the officer says, "Gee, son, your eyes look red; have you been drinking?", You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee, officer, YOUR eyes look GLAZED; have you been eating donuts?"

Answer 4

Paddy English man, Paddy Scots man and Paddy Irish man are all in hell and they have permission to leave and go to heaven after they each recieve 100 lashes from the devil.

The devil is in a good mood and allows each of them to have something tied to their back to protect them.

Paddy Scots man goes first and asks for a pillow to be tied to his back, the devil starts to beat him and the pillow it ok for about 20 lashes, but then it rips. So he recieves 80 lashes and then crawls away.

Paddy English man is next and he has been watching the Scotsh man. He requests a mattress tied to his back and the devil starts to beat him but no matter how hard he beats the matterss dosent break. At the end Paddy English man walks away without a mark.

This really angers the devil and he turns to Paddy Irish man and says, "I surpose you want a mattress tied to your back too"
Paddy Irish man says "no"
The devil asks" what do you mean, no"
Paddy Irish man smiles and says "I want Paddy English man tied to my back!"

Answer 5

Two nuns in a car stopped at the red light
when a pervert steps in front of them
and start to flash his cokc at them
the first nun says to the other sister,sister
show him your cross ,show him your cross she gets out the car
grabs the pervert and says
FUKC OF YA CU*T

Answer 6

Joe: Why are you reading Play boy like you are reading National Geographic?

Sam: Because, in both, you will get to see a lot of great places, which you will never get to visit.

Answer 7

A women just had twin boys Juan and Jose. When asked for pictures she shows her son Juan only. When asked why she replies:

Well if youve seen Juan you've seen them all.

Answer 8

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.

The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

Answer 9

These two Irishmen walk out of a bar

Answer 10

A skeleton went to the bar
and ordered a drink and a mop...