A serious question for step-parents???

Question

My hubby and I had a big blow up yesterday, because he thinks I give my kids anything and everything they want (which is SO far from the truth...). Anyway, my kids get $160.00 a month each from social security disability (because their biological father is on disability). I also receive $345.00 a month in child support from my ex. YES, I buy them SOME of the things they want, but always make sure their NEEDS are met first, and then I usually use what is left to pay bills. The problem is, my husband is pissed off because HIS kids don't get some of the things my kids get or get to do some of the things my kids get to do. My argument is that the SSD they get is THEIR money, and I should be allowed to "spoil" them a little with it.(it's nothing major...my 9 yr old is playing football and it cost $60.00....that is what he made the biggest deal about, because his 10 yr. old didn't get to play fall baseball cause we didn't have $55.00 to pay for it, and yes, his mother works and could have

and could have helped pay for it, but she doesn't do jack sh!t for her kids, my husband and I pay for just about everything they do. Am I wrong for thinking the way I do about it being THEIR money(the checks come in their names)? I always buy them things to, maybe not as exciting as what I get for mine, but it is their money....please don't give any smart a$$ answers...this is very serious!!

I always make sure that if I am doing extra for mine that his are not around and they are pretty good about not making a big deal about it. They live with their mom most of the time. My hubby does not have a set amount of child support to pay, but we pay for most of their activities, and clothes.

Answer 1

Stick to your guns, sister. That is your children's money and it should NEVER go towards him or his kids stuff.

In the future if his kids want to do an activity or something like that insist that their mom pay for at least half. You all shouldn't have to foot the whole bill and pay child support to her.

Oh the stories I am sure you and I could share as I am in somewhat a similar situation. Ever need to talk you can email me at [e-mail].

Good luck!

Answer 2

Honestly, I think $160 a month for a 9 year old is pretty excessive. I'm not sure why they get that money if it's their biological father who is on disability, plus paying child support. I do think you need to even out the playing field - it sounds unfair that you could pay $60 for your child to play sports, but couldn't come up with another $55 for your stepchild. If these kids are all living in the same household, you really want to be careful about "spoiling" yours... I think you're just setting the scene for a lot of resentment, and the kids who get spoiled (out of guilt maybe?) grow up with a real sense of entitlement. Maybe the $160 SSD would be better put to use in an IRA where it can be used for college in the future.

Answer 3

The problem with blended families is step parents like you. Just because your children are getting money doesn't mean they should get to do things that the other children can't. If one child can't play football, why does the other? To the children, it shows favortism. If you didn't have the 55 dollars the first time, you could have saved your money up the next time and wait for both children to play at the same time. Do you understand the jealousy building up between the step children? when some children get more than the other because they get more child support? Is that what you really want? I'm just curious why you married your new husband in the first place. If you don't love you husband's children as much as you love your husband or your own children you should have never married in the first place. Like I said, you are the ideal reason why blended families are so screwed up!

Answer 4

I Kinda have the same thing going on but heres what mine is and what I do to solve any petty argument. My middle son gets survivor benefits his father past away. I get what HE needs clothes,school supplies, etc.. I then use some of the money for the household bills, and the rest goes into a SAVINGS ACCOUNT for HIM. I also receive child support for my other son and the same goes for that. The purpose of the money is that it is to help out.
Yous' are suppose to be a FAMILY now. You shouldn't treat the kids differently. You both made it before with out each other and now that yous' are married having the income double yous' shouldn't have a problem with treated them all the same. If yous' can't come up with a plan on your own seek counseling. Trust me theres a way yous' can come to an agreement.

Answer 5

I can see your point about the money belonging to your biological children and using that money for their needs but why punish your step children because their parents are idiots? Would it hurt to be a little more fair? I could be wrong but it looks to me like your bio children may grow up to be selfish while your step children may grow up to resent you. If you don't care then you'll have to deal with the fallout but if you do care, now is the time to do something about it. I'm a step mom. My husband has custody of the kids. They both receive child support and one child also receives SSI. Just because one child gets more money than the other doesn't mean that he's entitled to have more than the other. That's just not fair and that's what it boils down to is being fair.

Answer 6

This is a hard question. I have two step children and no biological children but I still have to take up for my step daughter as my step son gets more rewards, treats, and a slap on the wrist for terrible behavior while my step daughter doesn't ask for much and helps me but always gets the short end of the stick. I realize it is their money but perhaps budgeting how much you will both spend on the children per month before hand or perhaps putting the extra into a college fund or savings account (and try not to mention it to often, you don't want the others to feel like you are throwing it in their face). I know you love your children but if you love his children as well you don't want them to feel slighted and resentful towards you or the children and that's exactly what will happen. I empathize with you really I do. Blended families are tough. Listen to your heart and try to compromise for the good of all.

Answer 7

I think u and him need to have a sit down.. ask him what his suggestion should be, not saying that u should give in to his suggestion but see what he thinks..

because me personally i don't think anything is wrong w/that.. 1st and foremost that is their $$, the child support and the SSD.. what does he think that his kids should share the $$ w/ur kids.. i think not.. but if u have xtra and being that ur the step parent why not offer some of it to him for his kids, not all but a lil something if they wanna participate in activities as well... or what he can do is talk to their mother and let her know that the children need to particpate in some extracurricular activities and that they both can work together on making it happen...

but u need to understand that those r ur children 2 and u should treat them as ur own.. and he needs to understand that ur 1st priority is ur children and if they receive $$ from their father then it's meant to be spent on them.. he shouldn't be jealous in anyway..

get their mother involved and maybe he wouldn't feel this way because the stepchildren r not just ur and his responsibility but their mothers as well...

Answer 8

Are all of these children living in the same house? Have you taught your children the value of a dollar and how to save or can they just spend the money any way they want? If all of you are under the same roof, it is up to YOU to make this as fair and equal as possible. The longer this continues, the more it will divide your family, which I'm thinkin is pretty much what is happening now. You and your husband need to talk and figure out how to make this equal for EVERYONE in the family.


Good Luck!

Answer 9

I grew up in a family that was combined from two failed marriages. Three on my dad's side and three from my step mom's side. It took some getting used to and it also took lots of hard work, open communication and a love for one another to make our new family work. Sure we had our ups and downs along teh way, but we learned from those mistakes.

Unfortunately you are making a huge mistake now with your kids. Until you treat them all as equals in teh same household under all circumstances, there will always be turmoil. My step mom was treating her kids better than the other three of us, and this caused many problems amongst us kids. It was blatantly obvious that we were not looked upon as equals and this hurt me greatly. My mom did learn over a short period of time to love us all and treat us all equally. Only then were we all able to live in harmony.

I understand your debate regarding the money belonging to your kids. I can appreciate that as well. But until they are 18, they cannot make the final decisions as to what the funds are used for. All money coming into a household should be for the purpose of running that household. It would be no different than your husband using his paycheck to only take care of his kids.

My suggestion is very simple. Use 'some' of the funds to treat all the kids equally. Put teh remainder away under their individual names to be used towards further education or something positive. Never allow money issues to separate your family or cause irreprable harm to the union you created by joining families.

I know this from experience. It will dstroy your family if you let it

Answer 10

I agree with you that the money you get for your children should be used for them. If your husband feels his kids are being deprived of some things, that is a problem that needs to be addressed by him and his ex. THEY are the ones who support their children and if they want more for them, they need to figure out a way to make that happen. It's not like you receive a million dollars a year for your kids and have vast amounts of extra money. Even then, it's not your obligation!