Ok so, my parents and I never really got along too well. Lucky if we even spoke ten sentences in a year. It's been that way since I was a little kid since they were always working. But now that they're older they suddenly realize that they should be more parenting. Problem is, now I'm much older as well and want to be independant. It's very annoying when they try to take care of my life. I'm sure they mean best, but I just don't want it. Any tips on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated.
2006-08-07 21:22:56 · 17 answers · asked by chronophayze 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Ok so to clear things up a little and maybe to help people help me with answers, I am currently 19 years old, going to college far away, so actually moving out at the moment is not a good choice. I live with my parents at the moment for the summer, but I have a job, take care of my own finances, and generally am pretty independant. It's just annoying when they don't trust that I'll be able to take care of my own problems and butt in all the time. I thought that after I enlisted as a Marine Reserve, that would've loosened them up a little, but I was wrong. Being in the service and going to college hasn't loosened them up one bit. They are "hovering parents" to this day. I liked some advice I received so far, but thought this added extra detail would help others to give better answers. Thanks once again.
2006-08-08 21:07:45 · update #1
no matter how much you want to stray from your parents NOW....you will want to be with them later...do not burn any bridges....not to sound condescending, but i was once your age and felt the same....you THINK you can do it all and that you know al....but who / where are you going to go when you cannot afford rent, food,need $......there will be a time in your life you wished you did things differently...I HOPE or the future generations are screwed!!
2006-08-07 21:33:00 · answer #1 · answered by lawumun 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I grew up with a very similar situation. I think the problem is there are people out there telling your parents things to make them think they were bad parents for the way they did things. Wether its true or not is irrelevant, the past is done and you've adjusted to who you are, there is no point in changing now if you are happy this way.
What you have to do is let them off the hook. Undo what the general public is doing. Its actually easy to do because deep down your parents know they are clinging to something that isn't there. Periodically tell your parents you appreciate the way they don't try to interfere with your life the way other parents do. Tell them you appreciate the freedom and independence they've given you. Tell them you think you are more independent and capable than other kids your age, and give observations to back it up. If you find out another parent has been critical of them you may say, well yes they have to do things that way because their kids never learned to be very independent.
They are just going through a phase. Let them do what they want, it will pass. Get a job and be gone at work all the time like they were. Get involved in things and do your thing. Tell them your fine. If they think you resent their lack of involvement they will never give it up. Don't tell them whats going on or they will feel obliged to be involved in it. If they find out about things, say its just a stupid little thing, nothing you need to worry about. If they insist on doing something with you, say I don't really want to do that but you guys go ahead. Tell them you have to study. That always works.
2006-08-07 21:43:17 · answer #2 · answered by tenaciousd 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can call a family meeting. If you all sit down and then you ask to have them listen while you speak, you can outline your views. If you come to the meeting with notes so you do not miss anything and to keep you on track, you may find they will listen. Also, it is good if you only cover 1-3 grievances at a time. If you bring emotions into the discussion, it will be just a shouting match with everyone defending themselves. You will need to give them the same length of time to express themselves as well. If you remember that they are real people, with real problems of their own and that they probably do worry about you, you will be able to see them as not the enemy but just people. You may have very valid reasons for the way you feel and you should be able to express that. It may take more than one meeting but it would be a start. If you desire a relationship with them, then you need to talk things out. It is hard to become friends and not just parents with your grown kids. Also, if you burn these bridges, then how will you ever learn to discuss things with roommates ,your future mate, business partners, co-workers or even your friends? Relationships take a lot of time, concern for the other people, listening on both sides and compromise. If you learn how to do this and not run out and get your own place, you will be ahead of the game. If they are unreasonable after you try to talk with them, then it may be time to move on but not until you try to really work it out. Family is something that is not easily replaced. One thing that may help you, before the meeting, is to list the good things they have done for you and mentioning a few of those before you get to the problem. Starting with love and appreciation and ending with the same with some respect thrown in, you will find they will respect you and be willing to treat you as an adult.
I do not know your family dynamics but most people respond well to those you show they care about the other persons' thoughts, opinions and concerns. It is ok agree to disagree. You do not have to see eye to eye on all issues. There is one thing, as a parent myself, that I want to warn you about. If you live under their roof and they have house rules, you will have to follow those rules unless you can properly discuss why some of those rules should not apply to you. If you have a job and pay any rent or phone bills or for your own clothes, you can have more of a say.
Do try and work it out. It is healthier for you. Do not leave mad. If you have to move, do it with the right attitude. It is ok to not agree with each other on all topics. It doesn't mean you have to feel angry. Do you see the goal line here? Act as an adult and expect to be treated as one. Act childish or only emotionally and there isn't much they will feel they can trust you with.
2006-08-07 22:09:40 · answer #3 · answered by Barbara 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not alone at last. My parents are really distant from me and my child and we live within miles from each other my dad was a policeman and my mom is a homemaker. Their thoughts on raising kids is once you get to a certain age you own you own...
Well they stick to their ways
I see you wish to be independent and this is good because you may be alone one day like me and my child and the experience will help alot.
You say they don't speak and they also wish to try and take care of your life. hum!!!
Just tell them how you feel surely you all have one more conversation left to tell them how you feel.
Don't get to distant from them because you will be like me and don't care to see them for the way they are so once you have gotten out on your own try to make up some of them conversions you all missed through the years.
Being without family is a lonely thing after so many years as passed.*
2006-08-07 21:27:12 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Being mature is a big change... never too late to develop a relationship with your friends. Not knowing your age, you may want to start talking to your parents in a mature manner..don't whine, complain, etc.
Pick up after yourself, offer to help out around the house - afterall, you can't be independent if you can't support yourself.
Plan times to spend together doing something you can all agree on.
TALK to each other
All of the above will help build your relationship.
2006-08-07 21:26:52 · answer #5 · answered by Skiingred 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try talk to them,and prove to them that you can take care of yourself, and you can learn things yourself, even if it's something that they do not see. Let them know that you are not what they are thinking, that now you are already more mature. Or probably if you ever feel hurt or restrained, then you should also mention that, so let them know your feelings. I'm sure if your parents mean well for you, and don't want to hurt you, they will change their way,okie?But don't expect sudden change, and at one point, you will come to think that you really still got some things that you can learn from them. After all, it's not as bad as you think :p.
2006-08-07 22:01:57 · answer #6 · answered by babyblue 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First are you financially well off , do you have a steady job, in a crises situation whatever it may be, would you so be able to handle the situation maturely and finacially? you could alwasy live as a paying guest in yoru own home, pay them some part towards the rent, respect some of their rules and put your own in place or just sit donw with them and tell them you have to move on grow up, learn lifes highways and will visit them on hollidays and everytime you miss them, good luck
2006-08-07 21:36:40 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
hi there well you have now grown up and youre parents have just wakened up sort of speak that you are around ,i had this problem myself and they didnt like it when i was leaving home ,break it to them gently suggest that you are thinking about wanting to get a place of youre own they could well want to shoot the idea down in flames ,but dont argue this will not help the situation ,you probably wont get this but they will be panicing about you leaving and the thought of you not coping fills most parents with fear .........ive done this with my own kids ,and little did i realise that they are more than capable of coping ......how about suggesting that you want to go and look at a flat and would they mind coming and having a look ,i know that is probably the last thing you want,but it might ease things out for you good luck with youre future
2006-08-07 21:49:20 · answer #8 · answered by a parent hows been there !! 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are of age where you can move out, get an apartment, get a job, pay your bills and actually take care of yourself, then go for it! If you're under that age, which is at least 18, then you do need your parents because you cannot take care of yourself dispite what you might think right now.
2006-08-07 21:29:48 · answer #9 · answered by First Lady 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
appearing mature is a robust start up and you look to have that under administration. take a seat them down and tell them you're an grownup and ought to start to experience grownup life (like a job) in case you need to stay with them supply them a sprint board and nutrition money, this could make a super distinction. nonetheless supply to assist out with your brother yet enable them to ask fairly of watching so you might do it. the biggest to any grown up courting is mutual know and verbal replace.
2016-09-29 01:00:49 · answer #10 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋