Are we wrong to ban husbands kids from the house?

Question

This summer while my husbands kids were here for the summer break we had a lot of issues with them being rude, disrespectful and abusive toward my children. Their dad talked to them, punished them everything and nothing worked so most of the summer my kids spent with their father so we could at least have some peace. These kids are cruel, selfish, spoiled and very manipulative and when they would get in trouble would call my hubbies parents crying and begging them to come get them we were being to hard on them. Yes it was a wonderful time. The end of June my ex called and said he had to bring the kids back as he had to go out of town to work a few days so we thought great maybe they have all had enough time apart and can at least attempt to get along WRONG within a day my son had a black-eye(he is 7) from his 13 year old step brother, my 15 year old step daughter had destroyed my oldest daughters cd collection and ruined her stereo and kept telling her she was a stuck up little

rich kid that needed her @** kicked. Well my hubby and I got onto them again, took away privledges all of that and then the next day to my horror I walked in and his 13 year old son had my 8 year old daughter stripped off and posing for him. I flipped said I wanted him out of the house hubby agreed called their mom to come get them and now everyione is saying we are wrong. I feel like this was molesting my child and we do not want him back until he gets help and then only if she isn't here. Are we wrong?

My husband told all of them he would go there and spend the weekend in a hotel so they could do things but this isn't good enough and his family (parents) feel he chose me and my kids over his and now are treating him like crap and before they had a good relationship with my kids but now won't even speak to them when see them at the store.

No I don't feel better these are his kids and he loves them but he loves my kids as well and we just want them all safe. I could see if we didn't try to be fair but they were treated the same as my kids were.

Answer 1

OK, you've said a mouthful, and I would not be so presumptuous as to address everything. But a few comments:

1. Step kids are totally out of line, and need to understand that there are some rules that ABSOLUTELY must be followed, and certain lines, no matter what the provocation, must not be crossed. Kids understand these things, and to a limited degree, want and need adults to set boundaries.

2. I don't know if this is "molestation", but the label is not the point: The behavior was totally outrageous, and protecting you daughter is not only legitimate, but required. Throwing out Stepson was completely appropriate.

3. Stepson has more respect for you now. You behaved like an adult and you did the right things. Kids need to see this, and when they do, they respect it.

As for the Step Kids:

4. The kids obviously are having a very difficult time with the divorce, and may be acting out because they don't have the tools for dealing with their inner turmoil.

5. They come to stay with their dad and his "real" family, while they visit. They were the family first, but now these strangers pushed them out and they are behaving as though they are the real family. Imagine a confused, hormone laden, extremely uncomfortable, angry, teenager having to deal with thoughts and emotions like that.

6. Apparently you have more money/liver better than the step kids normally do. Can you possibly imagine they wouldn't be jealous? (Would you, in their position, not be jealous.)

7. Obviously they are nor being properly cared for year round. Any half-decent caretaker/parent would have instilled some discipline and self control in these kids.

8. None of this meant to justify their behavior in any way, and you were right to throw them out. However, it is important that you understand where they are coming from.

9. Next time they come, make sure the rules, and consequences, are laid out in advance. On the other hand, don't create any more 'absolute' rules than necessary. Remember, the more rules you make, the more rules get broken.

10. Bottom Line: There are some major communications issue at play here. It is extremely important for the step kids to get into therapy as soon as possible so that they learn to use socially acceptable methods of dealing with all their frustrations.

11. At the same time, you and your husband (and kids)should also get into therapy in order to learn techniques for dealing with the steps.

Answer 2

Let me start by saying these are his kids and when you marry a guy you marry his children. Were they like this before you got married? If so, you should have thought things out better, teenagers dont change. Especially when it sounds like their mom lets them run nuts and they have no respect or discipline. I understand that they are pain in the a$$es and I feel for you having to go through this. I would not allow my kids around his kids due to the issues you have listed. They need no contact with each other, especially when it is all negative. I dont know how close his kids live to you, or how often they come to visit, but I would send my kids to a relatives house when his kids are there. They shouldnt be banned from the house, and they deserve quality time with their dad. Next, I wouldnt listen to other relatives. This is your business- not theirs. By the way. I think the offer to stay in hotels during visitation is a good soultion. Another thing, I would get counseling and take proactive measures with your daughter. If her dad is involved and is seeking custody, this could help him get it. You need proof that you resolved the situation right away. This could also help with your inlaws understanding that what happened is real and you are trying to prevent a terrible incident.

Good Luck.

Answer 3

I wouldn't let them back into my house either. The problem is that your husband's ex lets the kids do whatever when they are with her and if they live with her most of the time, that can be hard to change.

It is your job as a parent to protect your children when they cannot protect themselves. I would go to court over this, because if the other family doesn't see that there was anything wrong with what was done, there is a good chance the kid won't get help.

Answer 4

I think we are forgetting a vital player here. The mother. Even children at this age pick up what the adults say and do. Do you get along with your husbands ex-wife? She just might be saying things in front of the children to make them act this way. If she resents you she could be the cause of all of this. Your husband may have to have a little heart to heart with this woman. I do believe the 13 year old may need to get counseling. It just makes me wonder, he could either be a bad seed, he has had some coaching, or he has had a bad experience himself. You may need to check into his life away from your house. They could both be asking for help. Then again they may just be little snots! You know "Spare the rod, spoil the child".

Answer 5

No, I don't think you're wrong. Sometimes it's hard dealing with kids. I think that you're in your right to don't want anybody hurting your kids (if they just had an occasional episode, that's kids, but having your child being pose that's way over the fence), and you didn't leave them on the streets. Maybe your husbands kids feel jealous or threatened by your kids, but there has to be a line.

I guess it wasn't an easy decision for your husband. Even when he thought he had to do it, I guess it would be hard for a father doing that. And having his family rebuke him, I think he needs your support now.

Good luck 2 you 2.

Answer 6

you are absolutely in the right here. what that boy was doing was sexually abusive. whether he was touching her or not it was completely wrong!! you were correct in getting this boy out of the house right away. no i would never ever trust this boy around your daughter again. what the hell is wrong with these children?
it sounds like they need a really good psychologist, or even better yet an exorcist!! do not allow these children back in your house. if your husband can not see your reasoning then you tell him to get out too. i know that it seems harsh but your children are your top priority and you cant let anyone get in the way of their safety. forget about what everyone else is saying about you. let them believe they were wrong. the truth is that if they were in your shoes and they didnt do the exact same thing then they are bad parents. you are a good parent and i say stick with your decision!! good luck!!!

Answer 7

I don't think you are wrong at all - ultimately you need to look out for YOUR children! Your step children sound like they are disturbed and need some serious counseling. God knows what that boy will be capable of in a few more years. It's up to your husband to tell his kids' mom about this and get them some help. But until they show a major turn-around, I don't think it's unreasonable to not want them in your house. As long as he's with you on this, that's what counts. To hell with anyone else who calls you wrong!

Answer 8

If someone had my very young daughter stripped, I wouldn't call parents or grandparents, I'd call the cops. It sounds like a serious crime to me.
Please either keep these kids apart or at least keep an eagle eye on them. That little girl needs your and her stepfather's protection. The other ones sound aggressive and exceedingly destructive. Get some professional help for the whole family before someone is seriously injured.

Answer 9

You are not wrong, and I would be pressing charges against the little **** in criminal court, too. You can bet that your daughter wasn't the first person that he has done that to and won't be the last. I would make sure that at least some law enforcement agency got some paperwork started on that, or, at least call and see if something can be done.. But I can tell you one thing, those children would not be welcomed in my house again!

Answer 10

I'm surprised your asking this question.Do Not let them come back UNTIL they have had some serious therapy.Your children ARE in danger .You cannot let them down.Have your husband seek counseling for his children,they obviously need his help.Ignore the rest of the family.You have more important issues at hand.Sounds like your hubby may need a little counseling too.It hurts to the core when your children go wrong.Good luck.

Answer 11

You are definitely not wrong. It sounds like your two stepchildren are jealous of your kids because your kids get to spend time with the father that they probably want to spend just as much time with. I think that your husband needs to have a heart to heart talk with his kids and get them to understand that you and your children are his family also, and them not treating you guys with respect is also showing him a lot of disrespect and in a way embarrassing him. Then he should have a talk with his family, including his parents, to let them see what his kids are doing and not to give into their tears when they are clearly in the wrong. Until things change with your stepchildren, I don't think they should be anywhere near your kids let alone in the same house.