who ever tells me the best joke will get 10 pointz!!!?

Question

i wanna see how good you guyz are.......i love jokes and i hope you do tooooo!!!

Answer 1

A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of the car
and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."

The blonde says,
"Don't worry."
She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another 10 feet,
turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read th e label.

It says...

"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
adds permanent wave."

Answer 2

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.


Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."


"Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"


"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"


"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"


"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"


"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

Answer 3

How Bush Can Solve Three Problems at Once - Chris Holmes

Here is how to do it:

First, Dig a moat the length of the Mexican Border.
Then take the dirt from the moat and use it to raise the levees in New Orleans.
Then put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Poof! Immigration problems are solved, you have levees that will withstand anything, and little children in Florida won't be gator lunch any more.

Answer 4

Fred And Joe Are Camping In Their Backyard One Night. In The Middle Of The Night, Fred Wakes Up And Wants To Know What Time It Is, So Joe Says
"Start Singing. LOUD."
So They Do, Until A Neighbor Sticks Their Head Out A Wibdow And Yells
"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, IT'S TWO IN THE MORNING!"

Answer 5

A man is visting someone in a hotel, who lives in the fourth floor in the hotel. He goes into the hotel. He gets on the elevator. He has to hold the elevator for a beautiful woman who is dashing up towards him. He sniffs and smells apples. "Fall scents", the woman says in a regal tone, "$15 dollars at the Scent&Perfume Shop." On the second floor, another beautiful woman enters. The man sniffs. He smells flowers. The woman says in a regal tone, "Spring Essence-$15 dollars at the Scent&Perfume Shop." At the third floor, the woman get off and an old man gets on. He (the old man) gets a strange look on his face. The man notices. The old man grunts out, "Brocolli-75 cents a pound at the supermarket." Then he farts.
(It's interesting after you tell the story, if you need to fart, say "_______. (Name of food you just ate). ______(price) at the ________(place).")

Answer 6

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and
I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a
quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full
dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was
clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a
while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I
kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any
clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't
have an
accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had
an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I
asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This
time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread
his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30
people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly
pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel
better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

Answer 7

A man is driving out West and sees an American Indian lying by the side of the road with his ear pressed to the ground.

Curious, he pulls up next to the Indian and gets out. The Indian glances his way and whispers, "Red Corvette convertible... California license plates... driver has a crew cut and wears sunglasses... passed this way about a half hour ago...."

The man was impressed, despite himself. "Wow," he said. "You can tell ALL THAT just by putting your ear to the ground?"

"No, you idiot," the Indian whispered. "That's the car that hit me!"

Answer 8

A highway patrol officer pulls a guy over for speeding. The says in his defence "I was just going with the flow of traffic"

"Ever go fishing?" the cop asks.

"yeah" says the guy

"Ever catch ALL the fish?"

Answer 9

Once there was a rich dude who owned a huge mansion, lots of cars, was an alcoholic, and smoked crack. He even had a huge pool which he filled with hundreds of alligators.

One day he was having a pool party and everyone got drunk and high. After a while the rich guy stood up on a table and made a speech. He said, "Anyone who swims across my pool will get my house. No one jumped in. Then he said, "Anyone who swims across my pool gets my house and my cars. No one jumped. "Anyone who swims across my pool gets my house, my cars, alcohol, and my cars." No one jumped in. "Anyone who swims across my pool gets my house, my cars, my alcohol, and my crack. He heard a splash and looked up.

He saw a guy jump into the pool. Alligators were on him in a second, but this guy did tarzan moves, wrestled alligators, etc. Finally, he climbed out on the other side. The rich dude walked around and said, "That was amazing. I never thought anyone would do that! When do you want my house?" The guy said "I don't want your house." "When do you want my cars?" "I don't want your cars." " When do you want my alcohol? "I don't want your alcohol." When do you want my crack?" "I don't want you crack." "Well, what do you want?" "I want the freaking bastard who pushed me in!"

Answer 10

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.