The Bible???????????????

Question

What in your opinion is the Funniest/Cruelest/Weirdest/Most Contradictory (to another verse) verse in the bible?

Actuall Answers only Please

Stephen, you're reported for threatening to throw me into a lake of fire...

Thanx Firefly, but SAB is already one of my favorite sites

Answer 1

Numbers 31, by a MILE. The excerpts:

31:6 And Moses sent them to the war, a thousand of every tribe, (blah blah listing)
31:7 And they warred against the Midianites, as the LORD commanded Moses; and they slew all the males.
31:8 (Blah blah list of dead guys.)
31:9 And the children of Israel took all the women of Midian captives, and their little ones, and took the spoil of all their cattle, and all their flocks, and all their goods. They took the women and children captives, and burnt all their cities.
31:10-11 (Blah blah redundancy)
31:12 And they brought the captives, and the prey, and the spoil, unto Moses, (blah blah exposition)
31:14 And Moses was wroth with the officers of the host, with the captains over thousands, and captains over hundreds, which came from the battle.
31:15 And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive?
31:16 (Blah blah odd reasoning)
31:17 Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.
31:18 But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. (Stop and think about how they're going to find out which is which.)

(Incoherent rambling of sacrifice and purification.)

31:28 And levy a tribute unto the Lord of the men of war which went out to battle: one soul of five both of the persons, and of the beeves, and of the asses, and of the sheep:
31:29 Take it of their half, and give it unto Eleazar the priest, for an heave offering of the LORD.

(Read: a portion of all those raped and orphaned little girls will be offered as human sacrifice and burned with a portion of the other "livestock".)

So the next time someone says Moses was a great and moral lawgiver, ask what the Midianite children have to say about that.

Answer 2

Well it says in the Bible that the Egyptian Pharoah Ramses II led his army into the Red Sea, when Moses parted the Red Sea, and that he and his entire army were killed when the sea came crashing down on them. However you can go see Ramses II mummy, which has been x-ray autopsied and it is a fact that he died of old age, not from drowning or some other Bible inspired fable.

Answer 3

Hmm..........there were many wierd moments in the bible.
I think the one that stands out the most in my mind, at the moment, is when God gave Moses a burning bush.

One time I was praying and I asked God to give my daughter a burning bush.

It's the image of having this eternal firey bush that never burns up...this is the most impressive thing that sticks in my mind from the bible.

There is nothing that contradicts the bible, except people's mininterpretation.

Answer 4

God flashed Moses.
He put Moses on a rocky crag and showed him His nether-parts.
I don't remember the verse, but it's there!
The bible is full of humor if you look.
By the way, I believe in a Higher Power.

Answer 5

Hey "foundationshaker".........The one you refer to as "God's Zombie son Jesus "Piercemaster" Christ" died on the cross to SAVE YOU FROM YOUR SINS! Your problem is, you're so arrogant and foolish and "blinded by the god of this world" (Satan), as the Bible declares, that you don't realize the ONLY reason you can spout off such BLASPHEMOUS GARBAGE is because GOD ALLOWS YOU TO! In other words, you are NOT in control like you THINK you are, and the proof in that is that you WILL DIE! As the Bible says, "There is no man that hath power over the spirit to retain the spirit; neither hath he power in the day of death: and there is no discharge in that war; neither shall wickedness deliver those that are given to it." (Ecclesiastes 8:8) Also, "And as it is appointed unto man once to die, but after this the judgment" (Hebrews 9:27). Bottom line: you WILL bow before Christ Jesus in submission to His Lordship, and you'll either do it NOW IN THIS LIFE, willingly calling upon Him to save your guilty wretched soul from your sins and the wrath to come, OR you'll do it at the Great White Throne on Judgment Day before He CASTS YOU INTO THE LAKE OF FIRE against your will! But either way, the very Jesus that you now mock will GET HIS DUE! You'll either die with Him being YOUR SAVIOUR, OR YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE! And the choice is TOTALLY YOURS! And that goes for you John, and for ALL who read this! There are NO flaws in God's word (the Authorized King James Version, the ONLY accurate translation in English! All the other "newer" versions are just PER-versions!).There are NO contradictions in it! Like it's Author, it is PERFECT, and NEVER OUTDATED! The Bible is the MOST PRACTICAL, ACCURATE, UP TO DATE BOOK ON EARTH! Believe and OBEY what it says, you will LIVE FOR EVER! But disbelieve and DISOBEY what it says, it will COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU! Because it is THE VERY WORD OF GOD! And it's ALWAYS been a matter of BELIEF! We want others to believe us, yet we won't afford OUR CREATOR, who is almighty and all-wise, THE SAME COURTESY! Wanna know why? Because you can get around PEOPLE, but you CANNOT run from God! Eventually, you WILL have to face Him and BE ACCOUNTABLE! Like I heard a preacher say, "We 'can't find God' for the same reason that a thief can't find a police officer!" God loves us ALL so much, but sadly, MOST people die in their sins and damned for ever BY THEIR OWN CHOOSING! They reject His love by rejecting HIS TRUTH, and thus, incur the JUST JUDGMENT OF ALMIGHTY GOD! And He has EVERY right to send us to HELL since that is ALL we deserve! Yet He is merciful, and "his mercy endureth for ever", but He does NOT play games! He is HOLY, and will NOT be "toyed with". So, mock on if you want, but it's JESUS CHRIST who will have THE LAST laugh! (see Proverbs 1:24-33).

Answer 6

Read the Bible before you ask questions! In its pages you will find descriptions of yourself. Too, you will find that in many chapters, the Bible puts the reader on notice about you and your
like minded followers.

Answer 7

Probably the stuff in Leviticus that outlines which family members of yours are innappropriate to sleep with, however it says nothing about having intimate relations with small children.

Answer 8

Check out Skeptics Annotated Bible at:
http://skepticsannotatedbible.com

the list is WAAAAAAYYYY too long to post here!

You can also look at the Quran and the Book of Mormon.

Answer 9

Here's my humble opinion of the Bible and God, and of course his Zombie son Jesus "Piercemaster" Christ.

http://www.shanghaiist.com/attachments/shang_dan/shiticecream.jpg

Answer 10

The funniest thing I see is people trying to find contradictions in the bible. :-) I could laugh out loud with delight. Cos they are searching and searching and they can't find any---except in their own mind.

Answer 11

no contractions....

that's a joke...

tell me how you and i got here with out incest???

tell me what 'other tribes' Adam and Eve were suppose to go and marry into...

tell me why a 'loving, caring, and forgiving god' has destroyed the earth once and has threatened to do it again...

tell me why a god that decreed that 'tho shall not kill' then demanded that Abraham kill his own son as proof of his faith, and even though he didn't do it doesn't mean that he did not accept what he was about to do and was going to kill in cold blood. god demanded a sacrifice and Abraham had already killed his son in his mind...