Trouble with my kids. what should I do?

Question

I have two sons. They are 12 and 11. I have been divorced for 7 years. I have joint physical custody I am supposed to have them through the summer and every other weekend through the school year. I have been arrgueing with the 11 year old constantly. He is very disrespectful calling me names (cussing), telling me he hates me and wishes I would die. I sent them back to thier dads home and they begged to come back. I let them come back and attempted to leave them home alone for 1 1/2 hours when I came back they had put holes in my door and destroyed the house. while trying to deal with them my 2 yr old got a hold of some pills that i had set on the counter when I came in and i was too occupied with the other 2 that i didn't put them up. thank god he is ok. I sent them back to thier dad early and told them they are not coming back. And if they did it would be one at a time. does this make me a bad mom? What else can I do?

Answer 1

It doesnt make you a bad mom, it just means your kids need more discipline in their lives. How do they get treated at their fathers? You need to do three things 1. Let them know the behavior is noticed 2. That it is not acceptable 3. That it will not be tolerated. Set up punishments and stick to them.

Answer 2

We teach people how to treat us. Your kids have been somehow rewarded for their obnoxious behavior. If you can't figure out what you do that reinforces their misbehavior, you need to get some help.
My guess is that you are trying to talk them into being good. Never works. There must be a severe penalty when they misbehave and it must come down on them like a ton of bricks EACH AND EVERY TIME they misbehave. They'll straighten right up if you can do the job. The actually want to have rules and have them consistently applied.

Answer 3

You aren't necessarily a bad mom.. this is a common problem with parents with joint custody.. you're kids are playing you.. like when you sent them back to their dad's and then they begged to come back and you let them..they knew you'd let them.. you're their mom, thats what you do. Your kids are in serious need of a butt whooping. I don't care if they are 11 and 12, when they do something like put holes in your door, spank them.. smack them.. do something... People put their kids in time out, or take things away from them.. but this isn't going to work.. because they will just go to their dads and get whatever you took away, from him.. the reason your kids are like this is because you let them be like this.. you need to get control of your kids. Take them down to an orphanage or a homeless shelter and let them see how bad other kids have it.. or just don't let them come over until they agree to behave like you said. It's so unnerving when parents let their kids walk all over them.

You need to talk to their dad and make sure you are on the same page as far as discipline. If you ground them for a month and then 2 wks later they go to dad's and aren't grounded anymore.. how affective was that? One of the biggest problems divorced parents have is that they do not get along.. and this allows the kids to run rampant over both parents.. like yours are..

Answer 4

i have 2 sons as well, 12 and 13. I think if possible, the best thing to do is sit down and have a meeting with the father as well as the children. let them know that their behaviour is not acceptable and both mom and dad should support each other wether or not they are together

Answer 5

First of all... what, or who, is making them act like that?

They are children. They have learned this from somebody or some place. You have to get to the source.

If they learned it from their father, then you have just cause to go back to court and take away his custody rights.

This jumping back & forth is difficult even for well-behaved kids, but for troubled discipline problems, it is a disaster.

Even if you and their father are divorced, you should try to get your heads together and figure out what to do. These boys deserve better. Take charge of the situation. Punishing them by making them stay away from their mother is only going to make it worse.

Answer 6

"What else can I do?"

Get them in counseling. They are acting out in how they feel. Easier to act out in physical than verbal. Lack of communication is another issue. Ask them how come they are angry. Don't be upset or argue. Listen to them. Listen to their tone. Look how they acting. Are they throwing things around or crying or calm when they tell you why?

As for pills, never leave pills on the counter or anywhere in reach. If you have them in your hands, keep them in your hands. Never set them down since your two year old could of been dead or seriously ill.

When they disrespect you, you strip their rooms and place them in them. Seperate rooms if they do not get along with eachother at that point in time.

If they say they hate you and wish you die. Say opposite back. Say you love them and care for them.

Sending them back to their dads is basically saying "I can't handle you and don't want you here. I don't want you at all". Making the issue worse since you are not trying to solve the issue. Just trying to get rid of it. Being at their dad's could be causing a lot of it too.

What is his parenting style? New gf or wife?

What does he do at his place to make the boys not fight or cause a major concern?

Discuss this with him and work out a system.

Your boys are not happy and acting it out. It will get worse as they get older. Nip it now.

My siblings and I faught. Anytime we did something wrong. My mom would make us go in our rooms and not allowed to come out. We missed out on vacations and special trips. It is a consequence for our actions. We learned that if we faught, then that disneyland the next day won't happen. If we behave and be respectful, we are rewarded in some form. But my mom was both mom and dad. You have another parent doing some parenting that you both are not doing the same thing.

Discuss with other mom's physically and have play dates where friends come over and parents. Discuss ways of doing so and what worked, what didn't. Attend extra activities to do some bonding and get their mind focused on positive things.

Answer 7

You need to get in to FAMILY Counseling quick! They are yelling for something,don't know just what it is. Your Ex and you,both need to go with both the boy's. Something they are not getting from you. For these young boy's to have no respect for the roof over there heads,this is saying something. To,have disrespect to you,this is UN called for,you should take the reigns by your hands and seek help. You,should of had any sort of med's out of reach of any children! You are the parent,and they are the children,your Ex should help too,and be there for his kids....Good Luck to you and your family

Answer 8

that sucks, im not a parent (19 yrs old) and i remember thats the age all the kids started rebelling. you aren't a bad mother. try getting them into extracurriculars? band/orchestra/choir or a sport, but i don't know id be a bit wary of the sports if i were you because the football/soccer/baseball boys were all the ones that drank heavily and did drugs, it was a pretty accurate stereotype. strict discipline is what worked for me and my brother- my mom just had to say our names or look at us and we ran to our rooms!! next time the kid cusses at you wash his mouth out with a bar of soap- won't hurt him but he'll probably get the idea. next time they break something in the house- wall or door- they clean it and do nothing fun til it is fixed, including no dinner. (no, im not advocating starving, but kids are kinda like dogs, they arent going to try to starve themselves for too long..) I wish you the best of luck and i will definitely pray for you!

Answer 9

You are a bad mom but it didn't happen overnight. You let your marriage disintegrate and now you are reaping what you have sown. Your children will continue to disrespect you and crap all over you making your life a living hell. I'm not saying you deserve what you are getting, I'm just saying the damage is done and this should have been expected.

Answer 10

not a bad mom.
obviously there are some discipline issues.
i would speak w/ their father and try to work out a plan together.
one kid at a time is a good idea.
or maybe you can meet them and their father at a park or something, if they listen to their dad...that way you see them, but don't have the problems.