Advice for a Dad who neglected his daughter her whole life and just now realized it?

Question

THIS IS NOT MY DAUGHTER, SO PLEASE DON'T BLAST ME!! I'M' TRYING TO HELP HER!

About the Dad...Married too you, had a child too young, got divorced, was too busy chasing girls and whooping it up at the bar. Moved her around from school to school moving in with girlfriends, etc. Forgot birthdays, took ex's side when he shouldn't have, was completely disinterested basically. Even left her screaming at Uncle's house for a YEAR only saw her on some weekends. Now...daughter is 17 and has no confidence, no personality, no drive, no regard for appearance, way overweight, will be damn lucky to graduate high school and is academically illiterate. Oblivious Dad got a little older and now sees the effects of his IGNORNACE. Mom took off when she was 3 and is a useless ex-skank. Any suggestions to help the girl or advice to the Dad on what he can do?

Answer 1

Daughter and Dad need to go to long-term counseling to work things out several times a week. If this Dad is SERIOUS, which I don't think he is, he'll be glad to go.

Since the daughter is 17, she needs to realize that she has to take charge of her life. Success is not determined by your accomplishments; it is determined by how you overcome adversity. Tell her to go to counseling on her own so she can start building her self-esteem. She needs to forgive her father and make amends with him, so she is not plaqued with feelings of anger and resentment. She needs to accept him for who he is, and detach from him, and start her own life in sanity.

Answer 2

It is a sad situation. I am a daughter from a father like that. I am an adult now with kids of my own. I can remember feeling alone and abandonded. By the time my father realized what had happened, I was already gone. But One day he did make the effort to tell me that he was wrong and that he knows now that he wasn't a very good dad. I can say that the daughter is not going to believe him right away but dad needs to try and show his daughter thathe is trying to change and that he will be there for any emotional support that she is really going to need. All little girls love their dads and in time all wounds will heal. My father and I had begun to talk and I could see that he really did regret the past and the decesions that had transpired. We even began to talk like a daughter and a father should then he had a massive stroke and passed away. I did forgive him and he died knowing that I did love him and that I was learning to trust in him again. Cousceling hepled me a great deal during and after he died. That could be something that they both could use. I hope that this dad and his daughter can get passed the past and just look to the future together.

Answer 3

Sounds like my dad. Good news though it can be fixed. It won't be easy and chances are they will need some counceling to help. Dad might have realized his mistakes but he can't make up for 17 years over night. He is going to have to be patient and basically start all over gaining her trust and respect. This child has been emotionally abused and those scares will run deep not only that but she is probably suffering from depresion from the description that you gave. Dad needs to sit down with the girl and be honest with her, let her know he screwed up but he does love her and wants to help her and wants to rebuild the relationship that he let go. He will have to understand when the girl doesn't immediatly trust him and like I said before be patient. Don't start out with all of her flaws as she has been through enough as the relationship mends and the depression fades I think you will see a big difference. Dad can ask her what he can do to make it better but don't push anything off on her or it will drive her farther away and remind him this is between the two of them leave her mom out of it. No matter what she has done she is still the childs mother and this kid has been through enough and doesn't need to be made feel worse about anything.

Answer 4

I think its like "Better late than never" situation.

The Dad in question should first appologize (big time - just saying sorry would not help) to her and make sure to tell her that from now on he will always take care of her. Make sure he actually shows what he says and then only she would develop that confidence that what he (Dad) is saying is true.

Then try to tell her that Dad would like to work with her daughter to change her life (its not too late) for the better. Encourage her to shed weight (join Gym with her or Diet with her, follow the same regimen with her even if you don't need exercise.. this would build confindence and will also show that the dad is there with her) Shedding weight will give her much needed self-esteem and will encourage her to set higher goals including academic ones. Ecourage her to perform well in studies (take her to career counsellor, if required). Once through the high school find out what her interests are and encourage her and work with her to shape career in that field (make sure that she chooses something that is right for her and gives good returns).

Everything basically boils down to how much quality time he spends with her and ensures that he shows interest in everything that she does (Not to the level of snooping) and guides her.

Basically, what a father is supposed to do.

Good luck to dad and daughter. Hope they get sucess in what they are planning to do.

Answer 5

She is so severely depressed at one point in time someone has made her believe that it was all her fault or she feels it so deep inside. I got married when i was 19 but became a mom at the age of 18. I had no family around me to boot scared me even more. My husband didn't want to marry me, too young. Men don't grow up as fast as women. It is sad that this girl has had to pay for his growing up. This will be hard for her. She has to get her confidence built up and make her feel like she is wanted. NOT that she is the inconvience of his life. At the age of 17 is almost a bit too late, too bad he didn't wake up earlier. This will be harder for him than he thinks or you think.
When one is passed from person to person to adapt is one of the first things that a person must learn to do. In depth, honestly, it seems she has become the shadow that her Daddy wanted her to be. It is your job as a friend to enable her to step out of those shadows. At least this father can accept what has been done is his fault or at least i am assuming he has accepted that. He became a victim of his society and way of life. And the daughter became his victim. The only way i see to fix this is let her see how important she is, how pretty she is, how special she is and if nothing else will work. Take her to therapy.

Answer 6

In my case Dad was gone before mom gave birth-so I never missed him-when he did come around once every 10 years or so-it was never genuine-so I never needed him or still don't need him-in fact she should be glad he didnt include her in all the wasted time he spent-I told my Dad I dont need a Dad-I need him to try to be a REAL person-cuz I'll be okay-he on the other hand has issues and he sure missed out on a lot of times with me-As her Dad did also but she made it this far-God wanted it this way-She has been given the gift of strength-use it wisely and forgive your"father" but don't allow him to swoop into your life and not be honest and genuine-sounds like he might disapear again anyway-just know she is special-even more so because she has been through this-She's going to be just fine!!! My advice to him is to grow up, handle his business and realize time is not on our sides-take advantage now!!!!

Answer 7

I personally wouldn't really know what to do, but there are family therapists out there trained for this kind of thing. It's better you realize now that she's 17 rather than when she's an adult. It might not be easy and although the past cannot be undone, it still is not too late to form a meaningful and supportive relationship.

Answer 8

Actions speak louder than words! He has to start demonstrating that he cares about her which may mean leaving her alone until she is ready to accept him. That rejection could be 1 day,1 week, 1 month 1 year or more. It has to come in her time, not his. If she rejects him, he needs to understand and not push the issue. He does need to put forth the effort, to remember her birthday, holidays, etc. etc.

Therapy would be great if that is an option and she is willing. Again it has to be a decision she participates in and is behind. I doubt she would ever 100% forgive him but you never know.

Answer 9

Honestly, her self esteem is in the dumper. If he realizes that he needs to step up and is commited, it's never too late. He needs to be there and prove to her that he will be. He absolutely cannot be critical. If he can make that first step, she will gain self esteem and care more about herself and her own success. EX: wrong: You really need to care about yourself, lose some weight and work harder on your grades. right: I think you're beautiful and intelligent and I want to know you. If he handles it right and recognizes her efforts (which she will make) she will feel so much better about herself and will want to improve. OH, and he may want to just listen if and when she speaks of her "mother" without encouraging her to lay blame. Her mother was/is a loser, end of story, end of the time she's worth dwelling upon. I know he has made mistakes but God bless him for recognizing that and making the effort. She wants someone to be proud of her, she just needs someone who will be. She may not be ready to jump for joy immediately at the start but if he proves that he wants to be there, she will eventually trust him. He has to remember that trust is something to be earned and he really does have a lot of work to do. He can't retreat at the first sign of rejection. It is a well learned defense mechanism that she has developed over 17 years. Best of luck to them both.

Answer 10

Have the dad have a meeting with the daughter, even if she won't do it unless the mother is present.

The dad should confess his stupidity in letting all these years pass, apologize, apologize, apologize, and beg for a chance to start again.

Maybe she will agree and maybe she won't, but at least the dad has tried.