im so sad, can anyone make me laugh?

Question

any jokes? i really need to relax my mind.. please?

Answer 1

Chocolate is a Vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

~ To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

~ If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

~ The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

~ Diet Tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

~ If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

~ Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

~ Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

~ A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

~ If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

~ REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts"
Send this to four people and you will lose two pounds. Send this to all the people you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. That's why I had to pass this on -- I didn't want to risk it.

Answer 2

so one day this man was walking through the neighborhood...all of a sudden, he became really angry, so he began trampling the nearest garden...so the gardener came out and started yelling at him, "why would you do that...i work so hard to make my buttercups beautiful and you've ruined them!" what the man didn't know was that the gardener was kind of magical...
so the gardener says, "now that you've ruined my buttercups, you won't have anymore butter for the rest of your life."
so ok..the man isn't too devestated...it's just butter.

a few days later he's on another walk in the neighborhood...for some odd reason he was angry again...and again right near the gardener's house...before the man begins trampling the garden he asks the gardener whats planted there...the gardener says, "pussywillows"

the man decides to trample someone elses garden...

ha ha



did you know that elephants paint their toenails red to hide in cherry trees?

have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree...i guess it's working!


ok...this joke is kind of mean...no offense to all those "involved"

so there's this skunk...but he doesn't know he's a skunk, so he goes around the forest asking animals what he is.

he asks the first animal, "what are you?", it says, "i'm a white rabbit." the skunk asks, "am i a white rabbit?"....rabbit says,"no, i have long ears and im all white...you don't look like me so you're not a rabbit." so skunk moves on

skunk asks the next animal, "what are you?", it says, "im a black dog." skunk asks, "am i a black dog?"...dog says, "no, im a lot bigger than you, im only black and i like to chase cats...you don't look or act like me, so you're not a dog." so skunk moves on

now skunk asks a brown chipmunk, "what are you?", it says its a chipmunk, skunk asks if he's chipmunk, chipmunk says no
skunk is getting frustrated, he says, "i know what im not, does anyone know what i AM?" chipmunk tries to help

chipmunk says..."well, you're not a rabbit, dog or chipmunk...and you're not quite black, but you're not quite white....so you must be mexican"

sorry...that was mean

Answer 3

a man walks into a bar holding an gator under his arm. Every one stops and stares as he tosses the gator on the nearest pool table. he then hops on the table and opens the gators mouth and puts his minnie me in the gators mouth closes it and takes his fist and punches the gator right in the eye. opens the gators mouth and puts his stuff away.
then yells out I am one bad MF can any one else do that.

a small light voice comes from the back of the bar almost girl like but male voice says I will if you promise not to hit me in the eye too hard.

Answer 4

Why did the blonde swim to the bottom of the swimming pool?



To smell the "scratch and sniff" sticker at the bottom!



Ive heard this many times, but each time I hear it, even though it may be an old joke, I still think it's funny!

Answer 5

Why do men snore when they sleep on their backs?
Because there b*lls cover their *ssholes and they vapor lock.

Why did the man cross the road?
cause his d*ck was stuck in the chicken

What do you tell a women with 2 black eyes?
Nothing...she didn't listen the first time

Why do squirrels sleep on there stomach's?
to keep their nuts warm

I know 2 of these made you laugh!!!!
Have a better day!!!

Answer 6

Why are you so sad? Some good advice is listen to Classic Rock N' Roll. It always cheers me up!!

Answer 7

OK i got a joke,
A little boy got dirty in the mud so his mom made him take a shower with her, the said not to look up and not to look down.
the boy looked up and said "mommy what are those?" and she said "those are headlights." The boy looked down and said "Mommy what is that?" the mom said "that's a garage." The boy got dirty again so his dad got him this time. the dad told him not to look down, but the boy did so he said "Daddy what is that?" The dad said "That's a truck." At night the boy got scared so he went and asked if he could sleep with his mom and dad, they said "OK but don't look under the covers." The boy did and said "Mommy! mommy! turn on your headlight, daddy's parking his truck in your garage!"

Answer 8

well i was walkin down the road the other day when i came across a pink walrus o ok thats all i can think of cause i cnt be funny on the internet! so i tried

Answer 9

A primitive walks into an outhouse and falls in it. He is stuck in their for many days when a passerby finds him. "Good glory, man! How long have you been in there?!" The primitive thinks for a while and says "I have seen many moons." Hope it cheers up your day.

Answer 10

hey i got a joke hope this makes u laugh



one day in class this 3rd grade teacher said where gonna have a guessing game. so she pulled a paper bag out from under her desk. she put her hand in it and said its long and a lil hard and its a fruit does n e body kno wat it is. well lil jonny raised his hand and she didnt call on him cuz she knew he waz gonna say sumthin dirty. so she called on another kid they said banna she said rite. she pulled another paper bag out and reached in it. she said i have to round fruits in hear and there kinda big. once again lil jonny raised his hand she knew wat he waz thinkin so she called on sumone else. but before they cud answer lil jonny stud up and said he i have a guessin game for u. she said jonny sit down. he stuck his hand in his pocket and said its round hard and has a head on it. she said jonny u have a bad mind he said y it waz justa quater.