Am I Over-reacting?? Should I be upset with my......???

Question

I'm going to try and keep this short and simple.... My boyfriend is divorced and has two children. We are getting pretty serious and he told his family and friends about me and wants me to meet his family, friends and kids. What really upset me is this... He asked his ex-wife for her "blessing" regarding me meeting their kids. He asked her if it was okay for me to meet their children... It just really upset me because I feel like he's giving his ex-wife a say in our relationship when the ONLY female that should have any say in our relationship is me. Do you think i'm being irrational? Do I have a reason to be upset? NOTE: in the two years that he's been divorced he's never introduced any of his g/f's to his children or family... AND also note, his ex-wife does date and bring other men around their children and never asks for his approval.

To: a_sexualasianangel re: your comment about his children comming before me... I would hope they always do because I could never date a deadbeat dad OR date/respect any man who puts anyone ahead of their children...

Answer 1

It is nothing to get mad over, you have to realize that they are her children too, if anything you should be happy, if you read between the lines. Even though he and his ex wife had a fallout he still respects her, so that means with him being with you he will show you even more respect. I can understand how you feel that should be something he should not have to ask about, but it was his own conviction. Anywas, what's done is done, so just move on and don't dwell on it, but it may be a good idea to run it by him how you feel.

Answer 2

Oh what a question. Your boyfriend sounds like a very good-hearted man. I am a step-mother, and did have to get to know my two oldest boys' mother. At the time, she had full custody of them, and my husband (or bf at the time) would take me down to visit with the boys, in her house. It was such a difficult thing to do, and very nerve wracking. There is nothing easy about that situation. But sharing is so incredibly difficult, especially when you are the 'stranger' coming in. It was even more difficult in my own situation, when my husband and I fought for custody because their mother was abusive.
The reason I say this, is because it really is best to have the children's mothers 'blessing', because she is the one that will hugely influence how those children view and treat you as a person. It is really something that he feels that you are important enough to bring into his family 'arrangement', and not just as his current gf. It isn't saying that it's her decision who he dates, but more for the children's sake. And that is the most iportant part to remember. I think he really doesn't want a war with his ex over his children, possibly because if he or you works in a heavy handed way, then it will hurt his and your relationship as a couple, and his relationship with his children. It really is about learning how to co-exist without letting it turn into a problem. And above all, when it comes to a long-term arrangment, respect is always the key. Just keep the children's best interests at heart. Good luck!

Answer 3

Well first off it is not a good idea for him to bring every woman he dates around his children just as a woman should not bring every man around her kids, I think that you should feel honored that he chose you to meet his family and children big points for you. I also feel that as far as him asking the mother of his children how if meeting you would be okay is just a sign of respect not for her directly but for the relationship with her and the children and even if her answer was no i'm sure it would not effect your relationship with him. I dont know why she has not shown him the same respect as he has shown her but some ppl just dont care . I think you should not try to read into it so much but look at the positive things like he dated before you and he is choosing you to meet his loved ones. So dont trip girll she might be jealous because he found someone special enough that he wants everyone to love and like just as might he does and it aint her its you.
I hope you feel better

Answer 4

It sounds like despite the divorce, the two of them are still in good standing.

No matter what your relationship is with him, she will always have a say in the kids' lives. They are her children as well.

Now, personally, I'd not be asking for her blessing, but I would let her know that there was someone else in my life. I think its the right thing to do to not introduce women to your kids until youve found the new "right one". It sounds like he's the same, so I would tell you that you should probably take a deep breath, and just realize that he is with you, not her. And her say in their relationship should remain related to the kids. Any more than that, and I might start asking him whats up.

Answer 5

Calm down. I think that although she never asks to introduce the kids to new men that goes to show that you that you just might have found one of those rare guys that wants to do things the right way. Kids are a tough subject.you don't want just anyone in their lives and it looks like he's found what he's looking for in you (especially if he hasn't introduced anyone else) he's being the bigger preson by asking her for her blessing because it's always better for the kids for things to be peaceful.this also lets you know that at least he has some consideration for people.If you had kids then heaven forbid, things didn't work out trust me you wouldn't want any "baby daddy drama".You should be the only woman to have any say in your relationship but children's parents always have a say no matter what.I say you have a good guy don't make him choose, support him

Answer 6

Not to burst your bubble or anything .... but I think you're wrong. It sounds like you don't have any children of you're own or you would know exactly where he's coming from.

Introducing your children to new partners can be scary. Try not to make this any harder than it needs to be .... !

She has ever right to know who her ex is bringing around their children. He did the right thing by asking her and including her in your relationship .... it will be much smoother sailing if you're more open to the idea ... of her being part of your life.

She's always going to come first when it comes to the kids ... it's they're mommy ... nothing you can do will change that .... ! He's just trying to make it easier on the both of you .... by being honest and open with everyone.

Answer 7

I don't know if he would have just let her know like : I want you to know that I'm dating someone and just know that she a nice person that I care for a lot and the children might begin to mention her name don't think anything much of it I'm just letting you know that she isn't just anybody and our kids are in good has.
But asking for a blessing I don't know about that one. She is not his mother he doesn't need her blessing. what the hell is that?! either way I see why it bother you don't let it stress you but don't but it passed you. Pay attention to all the little signs but chose you battles Don't end up the one hurt for being the "nice one"
better yet the dumb one.


Please don't get offended I have been there and done that nip in the butt what needs to be nipped but don't start a fight every time you feel insecure. Trust me you will feel like she aways got something over you cause she bared his children.

Answer 8

you have to understand that even though you may think that you should be that only person in the relationsip his ex wife is always going to have a say on some things maybe if he didnt have childern you would be riight but since thats his ex wife kids she has a say so on who they meet what if you was the ex wife would what your ex husband going around letting your childern met strange women you havent meet talk to or even seen?? I dont think so I think he did the riight thing because she juss wanted to make sure her childern are safe and wiff the riight people because there are crazy people in the world today and really you can trust anyone even though you maybe a nice person there is always a what if so I say you make friends wiff his ex wife or like meet her so she can get a feel on you so she wouldnt consider you a stranger so she will be comfortable letting you going place wiff her kids and that will make situations better later on I hoped I helped!!

Answer 9

Its not real sensitive at best, and at worst maybe it should send up a red flag, however you didn't say how long you have been dating, because the fact you havent met them yet at all is another red flag.

Another word of advice :Dont strain to have a relationship with the children. They are little humans and don't deserve to be in the middle of anything stupid, as your new boyfriend and his ex resolve or dont resolve the space they occupy in your life will be made apparent then. Hopefully you wont see them as problems or allies but just people who deserve there time to be young.

Answer 10

You ARE overreacting. Get a grip on yourself. The mother of those children does have a right to know who is being brought around her babies. She probably doesn't ask HIM because she is the custodial parent. He must think a lot of you to want you to meet the kids, so get over yourself. And make no mistake, his children will ALWAYS come before you do.