My son is 13 should i be doing everything for him?

Question

or should I be promoting independance & letting him get his own sanwich & breakfast & tidying his own bedroom etc

Should add-My son does do all of these things & much more, so does his 10 year old brother but he is always saying that his friends mums do everything for them. I just wanted him to see that I am not alone in my thinking.

Answer 1

No, you are right to have him do things for himself. I know a guy who is 25, lives at home for free, and his mother STILL does his laundry for him! Do you want your sons to be like that? Obviously you don't, or you wouldn't be encouraging them to be independent.

Also, are his friends of another culture? I have female Korean friends, and it is traditional in their culture for unmarried daughters to live with their parents until married. Subsequently, my friend's sister is nearly 28 and still lives at home rent-free. This is not how my family works, and I'm not saying it is a bad thing, but it's just how another culture does things. If your son's friends are from a different culture than yours, maybe it's common for the mothers to do everything.

Answer 2

I make my family's lunches. My girls, aged 14 and 10 tidy their own bedrooms, although I dust and vacuum. I'm a stay at home mother, their school days are long and they have responsibilities - a pony, after school clubs, etc etc. They unpack the dishwasher every morning, and feed the pets, clean the water, make sure they're clean etc.
I've taught all my children to cook. That's fun and practical.
They get pocket money. My 14 year old is expected to buy her own clothes (I buy school uniform, pyjajas, underwear, special occasion outfits, coats). I dock pocket money for rudeness and cheek. £5. Works a treat.
I think that it takes all sorts - you know your own family best. Forget those fears about Mummy's boys. My one son clean, shop etc without a problem. I don't agree with being a doormat or placing boys on a pedestal, but if you teach them to be kind, and loving they will never sit down and watch a woman work, anyway.

Answer 3

You should have never been doing everything for him in the first place, you are a parent not a servant!! Child development is important if they are going to be competant, independant adults.

My parents did do a lot for me, and making their lunch is ok, or the occasional breakfast. But they are more adult than they are child at 13. I can honestly say the only difference between me at 22 and me at 13 is probably that I have chilled out, I don't get as shy, upset, angry etc. When you are that age everything is more intense. But my views and morals have not changed that dramatically. I was just as capable to put a hoover round as I am now!

I would have him do different chores to get a range of skills. Also make sure they don't feel like a dogs body by making sure that you and everyone else in the household does their assigned chores. In my house when I was a teenager, I had to do my own clothes washing, ironing, tidy own bedroom, (basically be independant).

when I was a teenager (and still do have), a rota for washing up and cooking (I cooked once a week and washed up twice a week) I had the choice when the rota was first drawn up to choose which days I would do them on, and I had to stick to it. After a while we swaped around a bit. My step sister and I between us had to hoover the stairs, bathroom and upstairs hallway once a week and clean the bathroom. These were the pocket money jobs, if these weren't done, no pocket money. The other jobs were our contribution to the household, and as a family member.

I also had a little brother who I collected everyday after school from his childminders. And I had 2 paid jobs at 15 which were babysitting and cleaning for extended family members. If a 15yr old wants money they definately have the ability to earn it!

I must admit I was so argumentative and horrible when it came to do jobs. However when my friends were like I can't believe your parents are so hard on you, I would get really protective. thats when I reaslised that my friends that were having a go at my parents had no clue about money, work, feminism/fairness (my step mum, will not do more because she is a woman), and basically I realised they had very little respect for what and who they had.

Honestly what woman would choose a guy in this day and age who is stuck with 1920's views of what a man should do. When I was at school I had a friend who I really fancied, his mum would do everything for him. He would take off his clothes and hang them on the floor, they would be returned washed, ironed and folded!! At the age of 16 this boy did not know how to cook, clean, use the washing machine the list goes on. One night he drunkenly said to me, I wouldn't go out with you now, because I want to marry you, then we can be just like my parents (or something like that) Thats when I realised I did not fancy him anymore! His idea of a wife was more akin to a slave!

when I was 18 I went travelling for 5 months, now i'm 22, I have just finished my degree, and I still live at home. This is because I have independance I don't feel traped like some of my friends did. Staying at home has been good for me and my parents. Firstly because it has saved us both a huge amount of money. I have had their support which has been great, and they have had me as a live in babysitter which is what i'm doing now! Also we all have to do less work around the house as we still use a rota, but I now do more than I used to.

My advice is try not to nag, in my experience it just made me want to do it less. (It shows a lack of confidence in them.) You can remind them though.

Also don't you think its a bit rude to tidy a 13yr olds bedroom? They have a private life now or will do soon. You treating their room like anyother room of the house is quite disrispectful. If they decide to live in a dirty room that is their choice, as you gave them that room as their own.

Answer 4

hmmm. Our daughters are 6 and 8. Here is what is expected of them:

They make their own breakfasts and lunches (we of course do sometimes as well, but they are expected to be able to do this task on their own).

Clear their plates, wipe down the table, sweep up the dining room, without being asked.

Keep their room clean somewhat clean (it is never perfect, that is ok).

They do their own laundry, washing, drying, and folding.

Water the garden if asked to.

Help with the dishes...they load the dishwasher.

If they want sweets, they make it themselves, with our help. I am talking about brownies, cookies, jello, cake, that kind of thing. We rarely buy deserts except for ice cream and similar items, so they need to bake their own. My wife and I do the harder parts obviously, and operate the oven.

Vacuum, clean windows, light duty stuff.

No, they don't get an allowance. They do this because we started very early with responsibilities, and they enjoy it.

By the age of 13, I think you may have missed the boat, but perhaps you can still swim to it with much effort.

Answer 5

No you shouldn't! My boys are 6 and 7 and I don't push them into doing things but I encourage them to tidy their room and help out in return for pocket money and they love it. It makes them feel more independent. My eldest is always eager to make his own drinks and make himself some cereal (obviously I don't let him use knives). Don't make him do everything for himself because that would be too much - but start off gradually with small chores and praise him for his efforts but don't boss! (Just-hanging is going a little OTT don't you think?! - poor kids!)

Answer 6

I also have a 13-year-old son, and he is 1 of 8 kids of our combined family. 13-year-olds are perfectly capable of doing everything for themselves, with some guidance. Our kids all have chores and responsibilities, which is what makes our household work so well. Our 13-year-old can do everything from laundry to detailing the cars. He is our electronics whiz kid and the one all his sisters call on for help. At 13, they still need guidance when it comes to cooking, but love to be able to plan and cook a meal "on their own". A wonderful book I'd like to reccomend to you is "The Wonder of Boys". Happy parenting!

Answer 7

he is 13 not 3

Answer 8

I think you're absolutely right. My daughter isn't even two yet, but she still does little chores, like tidying away her toys and putting things in the dustbin.

No parent who waits on their kids hand and foot are doing them any favours at all. I went to University with a guy who couldn't do a thing for himself - had no idea how to cook, do laundry, anything. His mother had done it all for him. He had a really rude awakening. What you're teaching your son is life skills, which imo are just as important as formal education.

Keep doing what you're doing!

Answer 9

If you do not start making him help put around the house more at this point in his life then he will never do it. You will be condemning some poor woman to a life of servitude.
Get him to make his own bed, vacuum his own room, do the washing up, do some of the shopping, dusting etc. He will thank you in the long run.

Answer 10

if he is like my 11 year old it is easier to just do it yourself.if my son does anything he makes such a bloody mess that causes an argument and then everything is blown out of proportion.he should be doing his own breakfast though.boys are so clumsy and messy i understand that you love him and want the best for him and its prob easier for you to just do it .i do not know any child under the age of 16 who will actually tidy a room!they just cannot physically do it can they/HE HE.