Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.
When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
2006-08-07 16:17:38
·
answer #1
·
answered by Anonymous
·
1⤊
0⤋
A woman was making a cake for her family and accidently spilled BB's into the batter. She picked out what she thought was all of them and continued with the cake. They all enjoyed it after dinner that night.
The next day the Husband called from work. "Honey" he said. "I think I need to go to the doctor. I was in the restroom and I was peeing bb's!" The wife explained she must have missed a few and he should be fine since they were passing through his system.
Her daughter came down the stairs crying. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was peeing bb's" cried the daughter. She was comforting her when The Son burst in the back door crying terribly. "Did you pee bb's too?" asked the Mom.
"NO" he replied. "I was in the back yard jacking off and shot the dog and now he's dead"
2006-08-07 14:28:29
·
answer #2
·
answered by nooodle_ninja 4
·
0⤊
0⤋
Ok, so there's these 3 girls that were best friends - they died in a car crash and went to heaven. They meet up with God and he says "Ok, here's the deal - heaven's fun and all, just don't step on my ducks."
All the girls thought it was no big deal...until they walked into the front gate and saw millions of ducks everywhere.
The first girl, after 2 months, finally stepped on a duck. Lightning crashed and God appeared. Instantly, an extremely ugly man was handcuffed to her wrist. "That's your punishment for stepping on a duck." She was stuck that way for eternity.
The second girl, after 3 months, stepped on a duck. Lightning crashed, and once again - God appeared. "This is your punishment for stepping on a duck!" An extremely ugly man was handcuffed to her wrist. She was stuck that way for eternity.
The third girl made it a whole year without stepping on a duck. God appeared and handcuffed her to an extremely handsome man. The girl said to the man, "I wonder how I deserved this!"
He replied "I don't know how I got this either - all I did was step on a duck!!"
2006-08-07 14:00:49
·
answer #3
·
answered by Anonymous
·
0⤊
0⤋
a man & his wife and daughter walk into a talent agencywith a two suit cases. the talent agent says "okay, what your act?" The man says" Well, watch." They open a suit case and pull out a trampoline. the man starts jumping up and down on it also, in the same suit case, theres a sledge hammer. The wife picks up
the sledge hammer and starts trying to wack her husband with it.
the daughter joins the husband on the trampoline and the wife
continues to attempt to wack them with the hammer, all of a sudden, the daughter yells out "Bumble bees have honey colored
nuts!" this cued the wife to join them on the trampoline. now all 3 of them are are jumping, yelling, and the wife is still trying to
hit them with the sledgehammer. the wife, getting tired of missing them, pulls out a little stick of dynomite, lights it, and tosses it to the husband and daughter. a SECOND BEFORE the dynomite
hits, she finally WACKS them with the sledge hammer. the expolsion sends the husband, flying, *** over tea kettle through
the room and he crashes head first into the wall. The all stand up and bow.
The talent agent says "oh my god. that was incredible, what do you call that?"
The man says. "The aristocrats"
They start packing up the suitcase,to leave. The talent agent,
floored by all of this says" Wait! wait! I gotta know. What's in the
other suitcase?"
The man rubs his head and says "asprin."
2006-08-07 14:11:38
·
answer #4
·
answered by Jenster*is*flipping*you*off 6
·
0⤊
0⤋
A father walks in on his son and catches him masturbating. He yells "TIMMY! What did I tell you. If you keep doing that you're going to go blind!"
Timmy responds, "Dad, I'm over here."
2006-08-07 13:56:15
·
answer #5
·
answered by Da KiNg 2
·
0⤊
0⤋
so a guy walks into a bar after a long day of work and says- OW O JUST WALKED INTO A BAR!
2006-08-07 20:58:16
·
answer #6
·
answered by hannahlc 2
·
0⤊
0⤋
your momma's so nasty i asked her what was for lunch she spread her legs and said "tuna suprise" lol i luv that
2006-08-07 14:05:23
·
answer #7
·
answered by a_e_i_o_u_and_sumtimes_w 1
·
0⤊
0⤋
want to be my boss?
if you give me araise.. ill give you one.
2006-08-07 14:11:51
·
answer #8
·
answered by Jamie C 2
·
0⤊
0⤋