Why do teenagers grow up to hate their parents. We buy them cars, clothes, cell phones, etc...?

Question

We work hard to give them what we can, but they won't work to help themselves. They don't have to pay rent or utilities. Yet when we tell them no or give them a curfew they hate us. I never liked my parents because they practically pretended I didn't exist. I had friends that got along great with their parents, because it seemed their parents really cared. You buy your teenagers nice clothes and they wear them to go paint a friends house. What is up with all this? Are they just spoiled and selfish? We feel like we have done something wrong. What is wrong with loving your children?

Answer 1

Please understand that I know very little about your personal situation, so don't take offense if some points are out of line.

Remember, you can't buy people's love. You need to instill love through values, responsibility, respect, etc.

Kids can become spoiled, lazy, selfish and come to expect that everything should be easy for them. Then they go off and find that the real world isn't easy at all. They blame you for not teaching or preparing them to deal with difficulties.

They also make friends with bad kids who hate their parents for legitimate reasons.

Young adults need to take responsibility for themselves but their parents also need to treat them as mature individuals from a young age and not as little kids their entire life. Many parents prefer to be their friend than their parent.

Hopefully it is just a phase. Many teenagers rebel against their parents at some point. Be supportive and patient. They'll come to their senses at some point.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

I think the problem that most parents face is that they believe that the children understand all the hard work that parents do to provide them with the necessities and all the extras.

Teens are trying to figure out how they work into the social culture they live in. It's difficult, and confusing!! They best solution is raising your kids with a secure trusting relationship so that when they have questions, they feel they can come to you and not be judged.

Secondly...it's not about buying this or giving them that. It's about the time you spend listening to their issues (not necessarily giving your two cents), being the parent who is willing to pick kids up after a party (letting the kids make their own choices, but supporting them nonetheless), and also the parent who provides responsibilities to teens to provide them with a look at how the real world works (not a full time job, but even chores around the house or volunteer work).

Each generation before harps on the generation of next about the teens. It's a tough life being a teen! Be understanding and be supportive :)

Answer 4

Teens will be teens. My parents gave me everything I needed (a 250 clothing budget every 3 months, an old car to get around, 20 bucks in gas etc). However, I had to work for anything I wanted. They also paid for college. My parents took care of me until I was able to support myself. Now I'm a self sufficient adult with a good head on my shoulders and a profound respect for my parents and all they did for me. My mom is my best friend now, even though I claimed to "hate" her every time she enforced curfew or told me no.
Teens are just difficult. I did and said so many stupid things from age 13-19, I'm still apologizing to my parents (even though they say it's ok, that just the way teens are) The good news is that teens grow up and realize all the rules that seemed so rediculous, and the parents that seemed so controling were really just taking care of them until they could do it on their own. I grew up to love and respect my parents a great deal.
You are doing nothing wrong from what I can tell. You are providing what is necessary. How old is your teen? If they are over 19 and not in school, you need to ask them to move out on their own and support themselves. Once your child is an adult, and insists on acting like an adult in all aspects at home (I can make my own decision, you can't tell me what to do, I'll do what I want you can't stop me, etc) you need to treat them like an adult. They won't like it, but in the long run it will probably make the relatinship better. My parents had to do this with my brother, and he was upset for awhile, but now that he's on his own and out of the house, they get along alot better.
Good luck, hope this helps. Just give the relationship time and I"m sure it will get better. As a responsible adult, your kids should finally realize how lucky they were to have loving parents like you.

Answer 5

Teenagers are just beginning to understand themselves. Choices are around them everyday. You have to remember that this is new to them. It's a learning phase. I know it doesn't feel right, but your doing nothing wrong. They will learn of responsibility and hard work and the curfews and No's will help to reinforce that. They will grow out of it and love you even more for being there as a parent. Also- the parents whose teens get along with them have either mature children, or are using poor parenting technique

Answer 6

There's nothing wrong with loving your children, but there is plenty wrong with overindulging them, and that's largely the problem. The parents want their kids to have everything that they didn't have growing up, and overcompensate by giving the kids everything they want, creating a sense of entitlement that carries though to later life...to their detriment.

Some parents also want to be their child's "friend" rather than be their parent first, leading to a total lack of respect and a huge streak of selfishness in the child. Also, since the child's being handed everything on a silver platter, he/she has no conception of the value of money or the concept of having to work to earn it. This can be seen on a daily basis with teens who get their first job and hate it because they think they should get paid just for showing up rather than actually working, or get mad because they have to obey the orders of their boss, or feel that they should be pulling down six figures for slinging burgers.

The bottom line is that it comes from the parents. Taking from your own post above, let's analyze what you've said:

" I never liked my parents because they practically pretended I didn't exist. I had friends that got along great with their parents, because it seemed their parents really cared."...Bingo. You feel your parents ignored you, and are now compensating by overindulging your own children, because you think that's how your friends got along with their parents so well. That wasn't the reason; it was likely a balance of discipline and love...not handing them the keys to a car.


"We work hard to give them what we can, but they won't work to help themselves".... Why should they? Mom and Dad are giving them cars, clothes, and cell phones...why work?

"...when we tell them no or give them a curfew they hate us".... Of course...because they haven't heard the word NO before in a fashion where you've said it and made it stick....at least not on anything of importance.

"You buy your teenagers nice clothes and they wear them to go paint a friends house.".....Of course...this goes to the lack of knowledge of the value of money, or the concept of earning it. Who cares if I ruin these Tommy Hilfiger $80 jeans? Mom & Dad will buy me new ones, no big deal.

I am not trying to rip on you here; I'm just trying to point out some things that it appears you aren't seeing. You do realize something's wrong, though, and that's a beginning.

My advice? Help your kids learn to appreciate what they have, teach them the value of money, and most importantly to respect you as a parent...and don't be afraid to deny or take away items or privileges for non-compliance. Tell them the First National Bank of Mom & Dad is closed. Oh, they'll say awful things, and try to pull all the right strings to get their way...but if you stick to your guns you will gradually bring them around to where they realize that every choice has a consequence, good or bad, and that wrong behavior is punishable, and right behavior will be as quickly rewarded...WITHIN LIMITS.

Like I said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with LOVING your children... that's a parent's job...you just have to make the distinction between loving them and overindulging them. You can't buy their love, and you certainly can't buy their respect...it must be earned, preferably starting from the beginning.

Ok, the sermon's over. Good Luck. I hope that some of this helped you somehow.

Answer 7

No one will care for the things they have unless they have earned them. Kids today don't really know the value of a dollar- all the work they have to put into it is to ask their parents for a handout and bam- they have money they not only did not have to work for but they didn't have to pay taxes on it either. You don't give something to someone and expect them to make something out of it. It's like the proverb about the man and the fish- give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, teach him to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime.

Hard work never killed anybody! And yet, we teach our kids that they shouldn't have to put up with a mean boss, or that the goverment should just give them whatever they need. Why do we have so many people living on food stamps and welfare? Why don't young girls think twice about having one baby after another?

Young people these days are not responsible because their parents don't make them be responsible. And let's talk about the parents for a second, because parents today teach their own children irresponsibility by their actions- it's the teachers', goverments, law-enforcement, anybody but me fault that life has turned out the way it has.

It's not loving your child when you give them everything on a silver platter. You're cheating your child of important life lessons like earning and appreciating what they have, and knowing that they have value and worth because they are capable of doing something better for society than just living off of it.

This is one subject that just makes me furious.

Answer 8

Nothing wrong with loving your kids but giving them everything they could possible want does not teach them anything other than you are mean when you say no. Children have to learn the value of money at some point and have to have goals and responsibilities. My son was a spoiled rotten brat I bought him everything he ever wanted out of guilt of working. When I had to stop working and money was tight and I said no in a store what a fit he threw. Now he has chores and earns money doesn't throw it out the window he saves it and has goals. His cell phone I provide for safety but extra charges he pays for. When he draws on or paints on expensive clothes he has to buy them for the purchase price which stopped him using permanent marker real quick. He is getting ready to drive but he is going to have to pay the car insurance in order to drive and his own gas money. Children need limits to learn! I hated my parents curfew and rules as a teen somewhere around the birth of my first child I realized they were looking out for me. Do what you can to teach them and you will get pass the hate and find love.

Answer 9

If you feel that way, don't buy them cars, clothes, cell phones, etc if you don't think they deserve them. They need to earn those privileges. Have you tried to communicate effectively with them instead of giving them orders. You should be happy your child is being creative and painting with a friend and not out gang banging, doing drugs or drinking. Try family counseling using the money you once used buying the cars, clothes, etc....

Also, teenagers shouldn't have to pay rent or utilities that is something a parent is responsible for. Fact is they won't learn the value of that until they have to be responsible for it themselves.

Answer 10

This is the way teenagers act. When I was a teenager I always wanted to be alone. I didn't want to participate in family activities hardly ever. I wanted to set myself apart, and become my own person. I felt that my mother was ignorant, and didn't understand anything. ((Although her only having a 9th grade education may have something to do with that))!!! I always had to watch my brothers and sister, and that made me angry. I didn't understand that my mother could not afford a sitter. Although I didn't appreciate much then and just about hated my mother; the older I got the more I realized my mother done the best she could with what she had. I know she loves me and always has. I love her too, and we have a great relationship now.