Can you please tell me one or more jokes? (I will give 10 points to funniest joke)?

Question

Sorry.
to the funniest joke not to funniest joke

LoL

Answer 1

There was a boy who didn't do very well in school, especially in math, so his father put him in a Catholic school. When the boy brought home his first report card, his father saw that he had earned an 'A' in math. his father asked him, "What helped you do it son? Was it the nuns, the textbooks?" "No, dad," the boy said. "When I saw the guy nailed on the plus sign, I knew this place meant business!"

Why did the cucumber blush? It saw the salad dressing.

What did the digital clock say to its mom? " Look mom, no hands!"

What kind of bird do you get when you cross a snake and a rabbit?
A swallow

Answer 2

-There was a blonde woman that needed some money so she went to the park where she saw a little boy. She then wrote a note saying "I have kidnapped your child. Tomorrow put $5000 in a brown paper bag and leave it under the bench that’s next to the pine tree at the park." She taped the note to the kid and told him to go home to his mom and show her the note. Sure enough, the next day there was the brown paper bag under the bench, with all the money in it. Also in the bag was a note that said "HOW could you do this to a fellow blonde!?"

Answer 3

I was standing in line at the Petsmart store buying dog food for my neighbor's dog I was watching. The lady behind me asked, "do you have a dog"? I took a long look at her to decide if she was serious or not. So i told her. " No I was on this dog food diet before I went into the hospital. I would carry it with me and eat a piece whenever I felt hungry. It was working really well then I was suddenly rushed to the hospital. By now the heavy set man behind her had become interested and was listening in. When I told them that I was rushed to the hospital, They both gasped and the woman asked in a shaking voice "What happened were you poisoned?" I said no, I was in the street licking my balls and got hit by a truck.

Answer 4

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of b*tches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of b*tches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

Answer 5

Why did the rubber hit the wall?
It was pissed off.

A man calls a doctor and says, 'Doc you got to come quick, my son just swallowed a rubber.

The doc hung up the phone and grabbed his bad, started heading out the door when the phone rang again.
It was the man.
"Never mind doc, I found another one."

Answer 6

* knock, knock whose there? banana. banana who?knock, knock whose there? banana. banana who? knock, knock whose there? banana. banana who? knock, knock whose there? orange. orange who? orange you glad i didn't say banana again?!

* what goes away when you stand up?
A: your lap

what kind of wigs can hear?
A: earwigs

what do you call 20 blonde's in a walk in freezer?
A: frosted flakes

why did spider man get a computer?
A: to search the world wide web.

hope you like the jokes :*)

Answer 7

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 8

3 blondes go in a bar. The first asks the bartender for a' BL'. The
bartender asks 'What is a BL?' Blonde replies 'Duh...Bud Lite.....'
The second asks for a 'CL', 'What is a CL?'asks the bartender.
'Duh....Coors Lite......' she replies. The third blonde orders a '15'.
'And what the hell is a 15?' asks the bartender. She rolls her eyes
and replies' DUH........Seven and seven.........!!!!!!'

Answer 9

sardar comes to the police station and complains that "In his house everything has been stolen except his TV"

The inspector hears to the sardar and astonishingly asks him the reason "Y s tat ur tv is not lost"

The sardar answers him saying "Bcoz i was watching it"

Answer 10

What was the last thing to go through his mind as the fly hit the car window?

His butt.