Ill Give Ten Points To The Funniest Jokes?

Question

Try to make 2 or more, they are funner to read. Long ones are nice too.

Answer 1

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird sh*ts on his head, and he yells "Oh Sh*t!"

Answer 2

First joke
Camp Counselor:How did you get that horrible swell on your nose?
Jimmy:i bent over to smell a Brose
Camp Counseler:There is no b in rose
Jimmy:there was in this on

Here is a second joke:A boy wrote this letter home from camp:
Dear Mom and dad
Gue$$ What I need? Plea$e $end $ome $ome $oon. Be$T wi$hes:$Sammy
The Parents wrote back:
Dear sammy,
NOthing much happened here.please write aNOther letter soon.Buy for NOw
Love Mom and dad
And here is the last on

Edna: thay say swimming is one of the best extrasises for keeping the body slim and trim
Harry:Oh really?Have you looked at a whale?

Answer 3

Hope this is good...........

A boy was selling some wishes shouting, " Buy these dam fishes. They are good". A priest going by that way asked the boy, "why do you call them dam fishes". He replied that they were caught from a dam and hence called so.

So the priest bought some and gave to his wife and said to her, "Dear, cook these dam fishes". His wife warned him saying he was a priest and he mus'nt use such words. So he gave the same explanation as the boy gave. His wife was consoled about that. During the dinner, the priest sat by the dining table and asked her wife, "Bring those dam fishes". His son who was sitting near him said, "Come on dad. That's the spirit. Now take those ******' potatoes".

Answer 4

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying,a women comes over and asks if he's ok.
He says i have a big mansion,millions in the bank and a sexy young wife.
Then why are you crying?she asks.
He sobs and answers"Because i cant remember where i live".

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed,
the chicken is lying back smoking with a satisified look on his face.
The egg angerily turns over and pulls the covers over and says
"well i guess we've answered that old age question.

Answer 5

Hi there - three jokes for you today - have a Happy Monday and enjoy! Dr. C

The Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time --- but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
===

The Italian Golfer

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy,” and that's why I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?" "He's still akick'n."

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!
Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"
===

A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman... Almost."
The priest says, "what do you mean almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together
But then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting
It in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
Then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and
Then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
Says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you
said it was the same as putting it in!"