A friend's house is really dirty and cluttered. She is very depressed by it all?

Question

Can't cope. We're worried about her. Her children sit around like pigs in muck, the house is a tip of empty containers and boxes, books and papers. There's no room to move. They're sick from gastric problems at the moment, which is no surprise. We want to help her, how do we do so without offending her? Believe me, Aggie & Kim have seen nothing like this poor woman. You cannot even make a cup of tea because the kitchen is so full of clutter you cannot get to the kettle. She's definitely got psychiatric problems. She's a lovely person, it's just all too much.

Hey - if she was happy with it, we'd be fine. Just make sure we don't eat there. But she's not! Truly depressed but very sensitive to criticism.

The flippin' kids are in their 20's!!!!

You've been wonderful. Thank you.
Our real problem comes from not knowing how far to go. We're happy to do the work - we just don't know how she will feel if she comes home and finds all her "treasures" ie empty cardboard boxes, empty bottles, gone. We're worried in that she will be so offended, she'll never speak to us again. The cleaning is the easy part, the hard part is dealing with somene's fragile psyche!

Answer 1

Check out http://www.ocfoundation.org/1005/index.html which has a special hoarding section for those suffering with obsessive compulsive disorder.

Also http://www.clutterworkshop.com for a class and phone coaching support for persons with hoarding disorder.

Answer 2

I also was sort of in that same boat.
I have only 1 room,Over time I just started accumulating junk, I mean every thing; books, papers,bags, nick nacks, dishes(dirty and clean)pots,clothes were all over the place,linen which were not changed for I dont know how long; same with the dirty laundry.I was suffering from deep- seated depression for several years and coming home to that pig sty didn't make me feel any better.
Finally, (with some help & nagging, I admit) I started to clean up some.I started very slowly, but soon realized that once I began ( cuz getting started is the hardest part; cuz I admit I was also lazy) I started to feel better, cuz I was doing something constructive.When I come home now and see the improvement I feel uplifted.

Answer 3

Your friend is probably overwhelmed with life. The best thing to for her would be asking her if she would like to talk to a professional about her situation. I had a friend in the same position. Her house needed to be bombed from the sky! I helped her clean her house, but within 31/2 weeks it looked just the way it did before I cleaned it. The immediate problem is not the house...it is her emotional and mental state, which leaves her despondent towards the very essence of life itself. To clean the house yourself is not sending her a healthy message at all. Someone will clean up her own mess. Get her help and have her help clean her own mess. Once she begins to get healthier (this might take some time) it will be therapeutically healthy for her to see what her illness creates and healthy for her to make her own house a nice place to be.

Answer 4

My current girlfriend is like that. She would rather sit around in a living room at about the time Hiroshima happened that throw a few things in the bin or the washing basket.

The situations are slightly different I know, but I usually I pack everyone off for the day and do it myself.

For me, I think it could be the fact that is so used to me coming in and doing it that she just leaves it to me anyway knowing that she has a free cleaning service.

It sounds like your friend is really depressed. Does anyone know why? Is/Was there any problems that you know about that you can help her with?
Is she on her own (no partner/husband)?
Anything you can do to cheer her up would be a massive confidence booster and she will love and respect you all the more for it.

Answer 5

If her house is so bad get her out of her house and invite her to yours, she needs to get a way from it to see how bad it is. When you live in it day and night it becomes the norm.
Taking her out of her house will help lift the depression.

Don't tidy it up for her that will make her feel heaps worse. I bet she doesn't let many of her friends into her house.
I can also lay bets when any of her friends do visit her the depression and worthlessness gets worse. Mainly due to someone seeing the mess her house has become.

The friend who is the most closest to her could suggest there is a poster up in the charity shop wanting stuff has she got anything to donate. Then offer to help collect some stuff to take to the charity shop.
It might be she is feeling others in my house don't care why should I.

How do I know all this, I am sitting where your friend is sitting. I have a bad back and suffer with depression I ask others in my house to help me, no one does so I have stopped doing it. Which makes me depressed, I am ashamed to let anyone into my house so no one gets over the doorstep.

My friend did the charity trick in my bedroom we had nearly cleared it before I realised. That was a couple of years ago.

Answer 6

The clutter comes from being depressed and unable to do anything about the clutter. The depression comes from sitting around looking at the clutter. Its a vicious cycle. I think it would be great if you could get it cleaned up for her. Since her kids are adults maybe you can enlist them to help - and also let you know what is trash and what is actually "treasure". You are a very good friend to think of helping her like that.

Answer 7

Not an easy friend to deal with. I'm sure that if you offered to help her tidy up, she would take it as criticism and be offended!

There are people who make a living out of tackling jobs like this. I wonder if you could contrive to get your friend and her family out of the way for a day and call in one of these firms. They are not cheap, of course, but perhaps you have mutual friends who feel the same as you and you could club together for a birthday surprise or something like that.

She would, no doubt be flabbergasted when she arrived back in a tidy house and would make all sorts of critical noises, perhaps - but secretly she would be so lifted to find that she had friends that cared that much.

Edit: There! I see you have an offer of help already! Maybe it's not going to be so expensive after all!

Answer 8

There can be a pyschological attachment to the stuff. It might be very upsetting for her if someone cleared it out on her behalf. There is a great book by Karen Kingston called "Clearing your clutter with Feng Shui". I would challenge anyone to read it and not want to make a start on clearing, even if it's only a drawer to begin with. I have lent it to several people, and it has literally change some people's lives. She's lucky to have friends who are so concerned.

Answer 9

I really feel for her. It is nice she has a friend like you. You say "we" are worried so i presume she has a few friends that can help. Could you not suggest a weekend away with one of her friends and offer to look after the children. While she is away you could all help and tidy up the place and when she comes back say you done the housework for her to give her a break. Maybe try get her to talk to a doctor, you could maybe go with her for support. She may just need some medication for a while.

Answer 10

Get together with all the people she knows and map out a plan to tackle a room at a time, send her out for the day on a treat and blitz the place, or if she doesnt want to go, put her down to oversee one room! Soemtimes matters need to be taken out of the persons hands and direct action is needed! She maybe just has no energy or inclination to attempt it on her own and needs firm guidance and a bit of brutal honesty from those that care for her

Answer 11

it could be she hates it as much as you do. Set up a day to go over and help her - and only bring people she trusts and feels comfortable with. Bring your own cleaning supplies and garbage bags and don't force her into throwing anything out she thinks she needs. Baby steps. Maybe she just doesn't know how or where to start, and is overwhelmed. You are a good friend.