Hi, am married, but I have the worst relationship with my in-laws. The problem is that they are always visiting us and staying for months. This would not be bad but they spy on me and criticise almost every thing I do. I always hear what goes on in my home replayed by someone else. This usually drives me mad. I have literally asked them to pack up and leave on two occassions. However, I feel that I have irretrivably impaired my relationship with them. What should I do?
2006-08-06 20:41:54 · 11 answers · asked by tomnjerry 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
I have been married for five year now. We have three kids, the last is a baby. My husband is slow to taking action. We discuss and agree on what to do but then he just does not do anything, however much I remind him
2006-08-06 21:09:58 · update #1
Wow! That can't be fun. Have you ever asked them why they spy on you? In a moment of calmness, not attacking them, just general conversation. You did not say how long you have been married, or if you have children. I know you hate the criticism. You need to tell them how you feel. Let them know it hurts and this is your home and they are a quest in your home. Tell them you would love to have a normal relationship with them. Tell them you would enjoy them visiting much more if they didn't stay for so long, Tell them it is disruptive to have quests stay for more than a week or two at the time. Tell them you love their son, and that you love them. But you cannot continue to have them treat you this way. I know it's not easy. Have you talked to your husband? What the heck does he have to say? Mine would boot out his own parents. Over staying your welcome is just that, over staying your welcome. You are not a hotel. This is your home. I wish you the best. My mother in law from my first marriage, lasted 20 years, anyway we were at odds. I could never ever do anything right. One day we had it out. I was raised in the south, she in NY. I explained to her that though the ways I did things were perhaps different than the ways she did things, did not necessarily mean my ways were wrong. In time we became very close, we taught each other things, and she became a good friend. Since my divorce we do not talk. I really miss her. Good luck.
2006-08-06 20:53:00 · answer #1 · answered by sleepless in the ATL 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all you need your husbands backing.
Even the bible says a man shall leave his mother and father and .clieve to his wife.
Boundries need to be set and put in to writting.
I had huge issues like that in the past. My x never understood it until I put it this way....imagine your parents moving in to your office and they redo your job , Then make comments and talk bad about everything you do. He understood.
Set up boundries. LIke no visits until planned a month in advanced. They are only welcomed for a week visit. If they have an opinion aobut you or famly or how things are done, they need to keep it to themself.
Your marriage will suffer if you don't get a handle on this. Why have a misserable life.
2006-08-07 03:54:24 · answer #2 · answered by clcalifornia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi,Ruth.
Discuss that issue with your husband so he is aware of your uncomfort.
I'm in no position to tell you what's the best thing to do but I think you should tell your hubby to have a word with his parents.It's unpleasant I know but in your home you and your man are the masters meaning you have your own ruling so they should respect that.If they can't deal with that then limit the times wherein they come for a visit.They can't and won't stay one foot in your doorstep if you and your man don't welcome them.
If you want to build up a smooth relationship with them minimize the contact so no collision may and can happen.
Petty talks are annoying and disturbing most esp. if they regularly step into your toes so for now discuss the issue to your hubby and reduce the contact with your in-laws.
Forget old issues and just focus on what's really troubling you.Avoid heated arguments whenever you can by distracting your attention.Go somewhere else and do something else that way you don't knock on each others' heads.
2006-08-07 04:02:56 · answer #3 · answered by cascadingrainbows 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why on earth are they staying so long? If it happened twice that you asked them to leave, then they obviously got over it the 1st time to make a repeat. I believe they will cool off and do it again. You have to set boundaries, give them the ground rules for visits and tell them if they can't respect your wishes then they can't stay with you anymore. Get your husband to back you up, it sounds from this post that he's letting you be the bad cop. Good luck!
2006-08-07 03:58:19 · answer #4 · answered by Theavatar 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, where does your spouse stand? Why is he/she not fixing the problem?
Your in-laws have no right to visit that long of a period. They are taking advantage of you. They should limit their visits for less than two weeks.
You are taking the blame for their wrong-doings. They are putting the guilt trip on you and your spouse. You two are adults, not children. You are to leave your parents and be twined as one to your spouse. Your in-laws do not want to let go.
Talk to your clergy or elders of the church. If not, pray about it. As a Christian, I believe that you are not responsible if your in-laws cannot let go of their child.
2006-08-07 04:01:00 · answer #5 · answered by doglas p 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Where is your husband????
He should be the one standing up to his parents, if not, then live with the out-laws, because both of you do not have any back bone at all. With out-laws like them, you don't need enemies or a weak husband who can't stand up for you.
2006-08-07 03:52:21 · answer #6 · answered by nannygoat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I gave up on in-laws long ago. My husbands family has a case of mentality so I stopped trying. It was to much trouble.Unless you really want them around let them go. Your home is your sanctuary.
2006-08-07 03:56:44 · answer #7 · answered by doshidoe 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What if it were your parents? Would you ask them to pack up or would you try to patch up? It is easy to destroy a relationship, but nearly impossible to mend it and retrieve it to its original state. Think again. It may not be easy to forgive but it is never impossible. Give it a try.
2006-08-07 03:57:57 · answer #8 · answered by lalskii 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your concern should be with your spouse - not the in-laws. Obviously, there is nothing you can do to chage their attitudes. Hopefully, your spouse will stand by you you and respect your wishes. Good luck
2006-08-07 03:49:17 · answer #9 · answered by Coach D. 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Where is your husband during all of this? He should have been the first one to go to HIS parents...he still should...he should be by YOUR side!
2006-08-07 03:47:04 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋