How do I become more self confident and assertive?

Question

I've had a problem with shyness since childhood after being teased and it has really affected both my personal, yet more importantly my professional life. When I'm in front of patients at work, I stutter and sometimes lose my train of thought. I appear very insecure to other people and I don't know how to change what I'm doing. I know I need to change, but I don't know how. I've tried everything from reading half a dozen self help books to counseling, all of which didn't help. I really need some advice cause I've lost two jobs because of it and I don't want it to happen again if I get a new job. Please help. Thanks!

Answer 1

Making good decisions is one way to build self-confidence. Another is to stop thinking about what happened in the past and bulldoze over it and tell yourself that you are worthy and that you are the best you in the world! Practice being more assertive by talking to the grocery clerk, waitress, or mailman,etc. After you practice at starting conversations, then start giving an opinion, just a little one. Waitress, this salad needs more tomatoes. Would you bring me a few please? and thank you when she does it.See, not too big of a step!Start a conversation with someone in a store. It won't matter if you get confused or stutter because you probably will never see that person again. Just keep at it until you get better at it and then start practicing with friends and co-workers. Pray about it and ask God to give you the strength to use the voice and talents He gave you for positive growth and to help yourself and others but never to become aggressive with and remember to thank Him for that talent. I pray that your life is enriched with God's love that only you can allow into your heart.Best wishes!

Answer 2

If you do this single thing you'll go a long way to overcoming the problem, you have my word.

I read this paper back in the late 70s, still on sale (click on link below). It's a real waker-upper.

While based on solid theory, this book teaches practical skills that you can use immediately. You'll find yourself comfortably using some techniques well before you even finish the book.
This book impressed me when I first read it 25 years ago. And it has stood the test of time: I felt amazed at how much more useful the techniques seemed when I reread it recently.

A couple of points deserve emphasis:
1. In addition to teaching you how to say "no" without feeling guilty, the author masterfully teaches you simple, powerful techniques for keeping your cool while you're under attack.
2. This book plays an important role in the set of cognitive, emotive, and behavioral skills taught by psychologists such as Albert Ellis and David Burns. While books such as "A New Guide to Rational Living" (Ellis) and "The Feeling Good Handbook" (Burns) contain tools that address a far wider range of problems, Smith's methods work far more rapidly, easily, and consistently for the challenges that this book addresses.

I strongly recommend this book for anyone wanting to quickly and easily learn to:

(i) say "no" without feeling guilty and/or

(ii) react coolly to attacks by others.

It wil keep you at peace with your self respect.

Answer 3

1st step is to just keep words to small and minimal phrases as much as possible and voice soft, but always look the other person in the eye. It may come difficult at first, but you've got to act like you're a hot stuff. 'Just tell yourself the other person is really blind and can't really see you back. Take deep breathes and move slowly but with purpose, so you can avoid any stumbling. This will also match the way you speak. Position yourself so you become more of a listener than a speaker because those who speak few but meaningful words appear more attractive than those who just blabber on out of nervousness or love of themselves.

With little steps, in which you're acting as if you're feeling normal, you'll gain more confidence in your own actions and others will validate you more. Don't worry about the childhood stuff. Many brilliant people got teased when they were kids, but then they become bosses of the ones who used to tease them.

Keep trying to come up with the things that you are good at. And, very importantly, you want to do a daily cardio-exercise to diffuse your nervous energy.

You'll get it. 'Just keep at it and don't give up.

Answer 4

"Please consider a few facts and then, maybe a few ideas that might test your sensitivities more than other suggestions.
It appears to me that "YOU HAVE VOLUNTARILY GIVEN UP SOME CONTROL" in your life. Of course, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO, but, YOU DECIDED that being teased makes you act in a way that you don't want. Isn't it about time you TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for how you act?
Are you going to continue to blame your act on teasing? Are you going to continue your act of "shyness?"
Who decided to act with "shyness?" Someone or something else, besides yourself, made you "shy?"
I've been teased. When I found that I was being teased unfairly, I had no guilt, what-so-ever, in teasing them back even more. The only thing that happened is they got it thrown back into their face for acting cruely towards me. They did not "make" me do anything ... I DECIDED they shouldn't tease me and I teased them back because THEY DESERVED IT.
You say that you stutter and sometimes lose your train of thought when in front of your patients at work.
YOU DECIDE TO STUTTER, no one is making you. Do your patients tell you to stutter? You must TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for stuttering ... it's no one else's fault ...it's not your job to stutter and it's not your patients job to make you.
They are not responsible for your stuttering ... TAKE CONTROL OF YOURSELF!
In conclusion, I will add just a simple reason for one of your actions in sincere hope that it will make sense (just in time) for you ...Stuttering in front of your patients is simply the way you've developed to avoid taking responsibility for your patients welfare ... you thought "if they see me stuttering they will not look to me for help" and your right! You have simply avoided the extra work to care for your patients welfare. The stuttering is also the method you employ to educate your supervisor you're unable to fulfill your duties to care. Now, when the supervisor fires you ... you don't have to suffer any blame because ... that awful stuttering did it to you.
I know what I have written about you and your questions may seem unorthodox, but what and how we write is a transparent screen, from deep within, to all who gaze with care upon it. Should you FINALLY FEEL you want to tell me how much you have been offended, FEEL FREE to let me know."
The very best of luck to you ... if you believe in luck!

Answer 5

There is no one that can help you on this website with a quick fix answer. You need to spend lots of time one on one , face to face with a professional!I don't know how old you are or how long you have been suffering from these deep seated problems, but step one is realizing that you need help and step two is going for it. Go for it! good luck

Answer 6

Volunteer to read aloud to sick kids or the elderly. Reading aloud was the only thing that got me over stuttering.
When you speak to someone, look him or her in the eyes, and listen intently until it's your turn to speak. Take a big, deep breath to clear all the extra energy or anxiety from your aura.

Answer 7

just remember. you are an amazing person and no one one in the world has any right what-so-ever to make you feel otherwise. dont let people make you think that you have to impress them, the less pressure you put on yourself the easier it will be to ignore other peoples opinions. dont focus on changing yourself, focus on making yourself happy. and happiness comes with recognition of your positive traits. put them out there! who cares if people tease you? who are they to judge? are they perfect? no! so dont worry about it. i know its seems easier said than done but if you just try you'll find that its worth it. try reading ralph waldo emerson and henry david thoreau. those guys really inspired me and i know they'll do the same for you.

Answer 8

the main serious factor is to believe your self. you already know why you have the critiques you carry. stay genuine to them. once you reside by ability of what you have self assurance, you're happier. on the same time as many human beings think of the alternative is genuine, self assurance conjures up fulfillment.

Answer 9

I'd say go to your local college or university and take some public speaking classes..the only way to get over a fear is to confront it :) best of luck

Answer 10

You are sexy, confident, smart, and anyone who doesn't see that needs glasses! I understand and it's all just bumps on the road.
Without the dark in life, there is no light!
I hope you find the light!
~Mel~