Do I want a divorce? That is the question...?

Question

I'm contemplating divorcing my wife of a little more than 2 years. We have a 21 month old daughter. I'm active duty military, and have been gone for a good chunk of my daughter's life. I don't want to lose her, but I can't stand her mother any more. We don't agree on anything, and her idea of a "partnership" in marriage is her controlling everything. She doesn't want to get a job and put my daughter in daycare, when we really need the money. I wonder what she does all day. The house is a mess, she doesn't belong to any clubs/organizations, nor has really any friends. I'm the sole income, and I feel that I've come up with a few ideas that would great for our family, but she didn't think of it, it won't fly. I've really had enough. She is gorgeous, but is rarely interested, when I am practically an addict. I haven't cheated on her, but honestly, I would have if the opportunity presented itself. I do love her...I just want to have some say in our lives...and I don't want to lose my baby.

Thanks for the honest answers. I understand that she's had to run the show by herself for a good period of time, but all people need to have some semblance of control in their lives. I get told to do at work and at home. Home should be a getaway. Well, ideally it should be. I just feel like we don't match up well at all...and we've been together (somewhat off and on) since 1998. Counseling is out of the question...we don't have anyone to watch my daughter...because my wife won't give her up to anyone. She has serious trust issues, and besides me contemplating divorce, she shouldn't have any issues with me. I want us to work. I don't WANT divorce...but like one of you said, it is better to do it earlier than later.

Ok more background. I'm already seeing a shrink. She's been helpful and it really does feel good talking to someone openly. I can't see the chaplain...I know them too well and work with them often. I know I'm not the best catch, and I really want to improve myself for my (ahem, our) daughter and my wife. I have frustration and anxiety issues, but I have never physically hurt anyone in my family. And I won't let it get that far. Emotionally, we've both had our battles. We started dating in high school, and a had a few break ups and returns prior to our marriage before basic training. I found out about our addition to the family at BMT graduation. I've told my wife everything that I've mentioned here, but she shows no signs of changing. She is well aware of my desire for her, but I don't want to look back on my twenties (and life) as unfulfilled in any way. I think I've provided her with a good life, all I ask is equality (and affection) in the home. Thanks again to all.

Ok, I've been married for over 30 months. My daughter just hit 21 months. A wedding night miracle. I wouldn't trade her for the world. My wife and I have lived together in the past. On two separate occaisions. She is a good mom, maybe too good. I DON'T want my daughter in daycare full time. If my wife gets a part time job 3-4 days a week in the afternoon/ evening (that means our daughter only will have to be in day care about 10 hours a week), 1) that will provide more income (daycare isn't expensive on post) 2) she will get out more, make friends, get out of the house, 3) I have to take a more active role at home, I wouldn't have a choice. I don't see any negatives, but like I said, because I thought of it, she hates it. What else am I going to do? Get a second job myself, while going to school and work, to pay for our spending (which isn't really that bad, we have very little debt, but no savings)? I would never see my daughter then!

Pureheaven mentioned all I want is what is good for me...that couldn't be further from the truth. I want a happy home for all of us. I choose to see a counselor voluntarily. No one made me. I recognized a problem and am working on it. I'm not the one who has refused assistance. And how will I see my daughter if my wife moves back home? We aren't from this area, and no judge will ever keep a child away from its mother unless abuse is involved. Being military, I can be gone at a moments notice. Am I wrong for wanting to be happy in the time spent at home?

Answer 1

You have been married 2 years and the child is 21 months old. Are you sure she is YOUR daughter. DNA tests are cheap nowadays. If she is not your daughter quit now, it will definitely be going downhill, and the child's father may be able to become involved, if you act promptly.

How long have you two actually lived together. It sounds like a few months at most. Marry me before I go to war - whoever you are???

Try marriage counseling first, but be the first to file for divorce, it is an advantage. Actually, you should probably file first, and then try counseling.

Answer 2

I've seen some good answers but still have something to contribute.

First I would say part of this is the price you pay for marrying a gorgeous woman. Second I would say be sure you don't get her pregnant again. If you stay, this will be a one kid family. Third I would say stay until your daughter is at least 3, preferably 6. It sounds like your wife is a good mother, so by staying and letting your daughter get the best care (at home by her mother), you are doing the best thing you can for her.

I would also say that I'd guess part of what is going on is perhaps you are jealous of your wife's relationship with your daughter. That's just a guess. The other guess I would have is that your wife is tired of you. How old are you? Read some good self-help books (I saw a few listed in another answer) and try to gain some maturity. You need to nuture and support your wife when you come home, not bicker with her over how things should be done. You say you want your wife to work, but she is the one who is making ends meet with what you make. Obviously, she values your daughter more than money and knows that she can always work and make money, but she can't ever return to this important time in her child's life. Sorry, but I take her side in this. Good luck, and make any effort you can. You'll regret a divorce if you don't.

Answer 3

Nobody who has never met you and does not know you family can answer your question directly ("Do I want .. ."). I can say, however, that the signals are not good that the marriage will survive, and that there will be a divorce -- if not now, than years from now. I remember, years ago, my mentor telling me that "so many family court judges send home couples seeking a divorce with the admonition to "stay married for the kids' sake". The result was, my mentor said, that the same couple would be back in court next year -- again seeking a divorce -- only this time with one more child.

That was in Harlem, 1964. Your life is -- or should be if the USA weren't in two extended, faraway wars -- more stable than that. (Traditionally, in peacetime, there are rather few unaccompanied tours.)

Another argument in favor of a swift divorce is the formula for sharing out military retirement benefits.

I can do the arithmetic, and it's obvious why you got married. I don't know how much more than 2 years you have invested in the relationship, but it's doing neither of you any good to put off getting the kind of life you would like.

You do not specify your rank. I am well aware that junior enlisted personnel have earnings below the food-stamp level. The one advantage you do have is that your medical costs are covered, supposedly 100%. There are also various tax benefits. But unless you are a special case (a medical doctor, say; or an officer with some tenure) or have inherited money, you are poor.

I am not telling you what to do in the matter, but the signals suggest that divorce is inevitable. Meanwhile, what I would advise you to do, is to take advantage of military education opportunities, especially with the University of Maryland, which I think is the best of the offerings in terms of national recognition and quality of courses.

As for "losing" the baby: it doesn't seem to me that your spouse is compatible with military life or would survive long amidst other military spouses. You may want to try marital counseling; after all such things are free or cheap in the military, but I am dubious that anything will change. And if you were driven to, say, alcoholism or insolvency, things would be far worse. I have seen that happen -- not only in the military but in the diplomatic service.

I always tell people contemplating divorce that the first thing to do is to get a separate bank account. Because your spouse could do real economic damage to you if she continues to hold your credit cards, you should (1) get separate cards so you are not responsible for her spending (except, in some or most states, for "necessaries" (a term of art that is self-explanatory -- food, clothing, gasoline, car repairs, etc.) for the family) or (and better) (2) use only debit cards on your separate accounts. (You may have to wait to make the break until your finances are in order. But there is nothing wrong with pre-divorce planning, any more than there is in pre-bankruptcy planning, which is something I have a professional knowledge of.)

Good luck.

Answer 4

She sounds depressed to me, and I could see how that could happen when you have been away so much. It can be very stressful to raise an infant alone, which I am sure you already realize.

Remember, the only thing that has helped her get by without you for so long is doing things her own way. If she was not like that, she wouldn't have been able to deal with you being gone so long. It has to be really, really hard to give up that sort of control when it was part of her daily life.

I think you should consider marriage counseling if you really want to do what is best for your daughter. Bring your daughter with you if your wife won't leave her. She is young enough where she won't comprehend what it is all about. I have a feeling that there are a lot of things that the both of you aren't telling each other. You'd be amazed how much of a relief it is to get your deepest concerns out in the open, and counseling is a safe way to make sure those issues come out in a fair way. And once she realizes how serious your reservations are about your marriage, it might help her open up to your ideas.

I would definitely do some research about the signs of depression. It is treatable, and many of the symptoms you listed (a lack of interest in sex, cleaning, or social involvement) are strong indicators of the illness. If you are home for good now, you might be able to help her get the help she needs. Here is one link about depression:
http://health.yahoo.com/ency/healthwise/hw30709/aa25647.

You sound like a caring man to ask the question. Marriages take work every single day, so it is to be expected that they will have problems if you have been gone. Now is the time to work as hard at repairing the damage you you worked serving your country.

Answer 5

If you were gone almost 2 years, then that entire time, she's been through pregnancy, had the baby, taken care of the baby by herself, etc. She hasn't had much time to go out and do things as she has been, essentially, a single parent throughout the baby's life. This totally transformed her and your whole relationship. She's depressed. that's why she doesn't feel like cleaning, doing anything, going out, joining a club, and even having sex. She doesn't respond to the idea of getting a job because she has done little but take care of the baby for 2 years, so to immediately give that up and turn her whole life around seems overwhelming, especially when you are 'expecting' her to. Even though she understands that you had to go b/c of the military, she probably has some small pinch of resentment that you haven't been there for her and the baby physically. She also thinks that you don't understand what she's been through this whole time and everything that she's had to do.
Encourage her to go to a doctor or counselor. I understand the military has programs dealing with the specific issues you've mentioned, because the divorce rate is so high among young, active duty soldiers. Look into that.
Things won't be the way they were before you left, and you can't expect things to "get back to normal". You basically need to start over, and see a counselor if you want to save your relationship. Best of luck to you.

Answer 6

U say she doesn't have trust issues with you? Hmmmm... you did say that if the chance to cheat presented itself that you would cheat, and also you are contemplating divorce...right there are two BIG trust issues. I was in the military for 10 years my husband is now a contractor for the USMC he is gone 4 months and home 1 month. TRUST has to be a two way street, sounds to me like your wife is depressed. Being a military wife if hard. She has a small daughter and her family is probably far away. You can get counseling your on a military base I KNOW there is a mental health proffessional on the base. You can call family services there are a number of places to help. I might also suggest parenting classes there are many classes offered right on the base all you need to do is ask your supervisor, first sargent or medical provider they can all help you.

Answer 7

This is a tough one. But don't sacrifice your own happiness over her control issues. You may love her but you're falling fast out of love with her. It's time to sit down with her and lay your cards out on the table. Make an honest attempt at resolving things before you do something rash like having a one night stand to satisfy your sexual urges. Place a reasonable timeline on the matter for things to change, and if she doesn't comply, the relationship should end. I hate to see marriages break up, but neither party should spend the rest of their lives miserable either, if they're truly not happy. You won't lose your daughter; if anything, working things out in a way that benefits you all would be the best thing for her, and you can still be an active participant in her life. Try getting some counseling before you consider ending things for good though. Good luck!

Answer 8

Doesn't sound like you love her at all to me, either that or you aren't clear on it yourelf. Did you discuss things like jobs, money, kids and housework before you got married? Or did it come as a big surprise that there was a life after the wedding? Doesn't sound like it. Did you even really know each other when you got married? Did you get married just because she was pregnant? Your wife can only control things as long as you are willing to let her. You have two choices give up on it or let her know that things WILL change, besides if you are active duty and gone a lot being in control of things is probably how she deals with you being gone. You can NOT ask someone in this situation to be dependent on you and rely on when decisions need to be made, what would happen when you are gone then? She'd be helpless. Doesn't sound like you have given this any chance at all, she's been pregnant or had a young child and you have been gone most of the marriage and I'm betting you didn't know her long before it. Both of you need to grow up and learn to negotiate.

Answer 9

Speak to the military chaplain/counsellor that is available to you and insist that your wife attend counseling sessions with you. It is not just the two of you in this marriage, there is a child involved.

Tell her you are going to stop paying for the day care and she can hire a part-time cleaner to help with the house. Tell her you want her to be spending at least 3 hours each day playing with your daughter in the house and the yard or in the park and you will pay for your daughter to attend a gymnastic class or Gymboree. Help her find other opportunities for play groups with your daughter (the park, MOM's clubs, Mommy and Me, library reading times, etc.) There are many play groups that would be good for Mom to meet other mothers and for your daughter to begin learning how to socialize with children her own age.

Please also see this from her viewpoint. She is feeling like a single mother who has to make all the decisions every day and it's hard to include you in those decisions if you are away or if you don't ask her about them.

Step up and get this together for the sake of your child.

Thank you for your service to the United States

Answer 10

This sounds so cliche but, have you tried counseling? It sounds like your wife could be depressed (a medical condition) or unhappy about things as much as you are. You could always show her this post you have put up. That would definitely jump start something. Maybe she feels some things about you that she would like to post somewhere. You know, like maybe she is just as unhappy about somethings, but is not sure how to fix them. If you two could talk (maybe with a counslers help) and be a united team, then decide on give and take from both sides, it will be the best scenario for your sweet daughter in the long run. Good Luck.

P.S. you keep calling the baby "my daughter" when in reality you should say "our daughter". That says something about you.