Truthyness says he has 99 problems.... What do you think they could possibly be?

Question

*Inspired by truthyness.

And do you think he might ever find solutions for all of them?!

Answer 1

Dear Melancholy, if you really must know, here are my 99 problems.

99. The Wordinistas over at Webster's
98. Strangers WITHOUT Candy
97. My heavy balls. No wait, that's a good thing.
96. Tour de France doping tests. Damn right Floyd Landis has got high levels of testosterone! He’s an American! We have huge balls!
95. Combining Jay-Z's Black Album with every other album that isn't Jay-Z's Black Album
94. Canadians with handlebar moustaches
93. Heather Clark of the Associated Press
92. The Fact Police
91. These 20 condoms full of truth that I swallowed
90. Colbert wannabes who go on Answers and use his likeness.


89. My cable box died! quick, pump me full of Colbert Report!
88. Demon of Facts!
87. Virgin "truthtinis"
86. Back to back to back to back episodes of the same Sports Center
85. Bryan Singer movies
84. The growing solar panel on my truth machine!
83. Those who read the news (I "feel" the news for you.)
82. BEARS
81. BEARS with nunchucks
80. BEARS with nunchucks on ice


79. "WTF"
78. Amphibians. Come on Amphibians, which is it: water or land? Pick one, we're at war.
77. Rainbows
76. Rainbows that read
75. California's 50th district (Great job, Duke Cunningham)
74. Effete New York Intellectuals
73. Men with Beards
72. The word, "moblogging"
71. The British Empire and its "tough guys"
70. CNN en Espanol


69. People who ask me if I'm related to Carolina Panthers' Keary Colbert.
68. Winner of the 1981 Charleston County High-School Debate Tournament. Bet you don't have your own show!
67. Fat Lawrence and Toothless Carny
66. White Chocolate Cities (was never a fan of white chocolate, unless there were almonds in em.)
65. Fantasy Auto Racing
64. Real Auto Racing
63. Nascar. It's nice to know in this day and age, certain people still have values. Values such as burning as much gas as you can while you race around an oval for hours. Boogedy, boogedy, boogedy!
62. Inconvenient Truthiness
61. Powerpoint presentations that are turned into movies
60. Heatwaves

59. Matt Lauer
58. Jake Tapper
57. Invader haters. I'm talking to you, France.
56. Lesbians who turn me on
55. Samantha Bee
54. Samantha Bee's sticky saliva
53. Samantha Bee's sticky saliva during fellatio
52. Photos of babies in civil war uniform
51. Books. They're all fact, and no heart. (Unless, of course, you're getting them from Oprah's book club.)
50. Bed and Breakfasts


49. The Mt. Soledad Cross
48. A sober Mel Gibson
47. Vice Presidents who shoot people in the face
46. Grizzlies Gone Wild. They don't even shave -- those godless killing machines!
45. The Netflix "throttling" policy
46. Nancy Grace
45. According to Jim
44. Black crows (not the band, the actual birds!)
43. Dixiecrats
42. Subsidies for Wal-Mart
41. The end of Chappelle's Show
40. David Blaine. Apparently, holding your breath is now considered, quote, ‘a death-defying feat.’ Call me old-fashioned, but I still think of it as a tantrum.

39. Yahoo 360
38. Anderson Cooper 360
37. The fact that there is "no definition in our culture" to describe Oprah and Gayle's relationship.
36. Singles. Pick a side! You can either be married, or gay.
35. Fake Sperm!
34. Army of Super Gay Clones! This made my list after accidentally renting "Spermwars 2, Attack of the Bones."
33. Plastic Transformers
32. Finding a new black friend. At this point, I'll settle for a white guy with a dark shadow.
31. Candy Apples (They're sharp! You candy apple people wake up!)
30. Metaphorical sloppy seconds


29. Geraldo
28. George Clooney. He's trying to get Americans to help resolve the situation in Darfur. Next thing you know, we're robbing a casino!
27. The NBA. The NBA has become of the worst American sports product since American Gladiators.
26. The Insider, Access Hollywood and ET
25. Clean Urine
24. Jason McElwain, the autistic basketball player who met President Bush. He's this year's William Hung. "She bang, she bang!"
23. Celebrities we haven't heard from in ten years who are "showing up" to defend Mel Gibson.
22. Twenty-something socialites. I'm talking to you, Paris.
21. M. Night Shamylan movies
20. Good Morning America

19. Marriage ban between cousins. You know what I'm talkin about.
18. "idk"
17. Hurricaines! Accuweather predicted that three major hurricanes will hit the U.S. this year. All you need to know? The breaststroke. I, for one, am screwed!
16. Superman. For every Superman out there, there’s also a Green Arrow. The little guy who can’t fly or bend steel but still makes a contribution, in this case by being pretty good at archery. I totally hit the target once at summer camp!
15. Paying wages to housewives. This devalues husbands. We don't get paid for taking out the trash!
14. Oregon. Should we call it California's Canada, or Washington's Mexico?
13. Classmates.com. F*ck all my old classmates!
12. David Blaine makes it on my list twice! Locking himself in a globe full of water for a week - that's what I call magic! Can't wait to try this at home!
11. Toronto Raptors. Actually, ALL of Toronto.

And, truthyness's Top 10 Problems of 99 total problems, are:
10. North Korea. The US locked away OUR Lil' Kim, why is this guy still running around?
9. Middle East strife. Stop with the violence, people! Take a cue from your Midwest sibling: Great plains, Oprah, and Hoosier basketball!
8. Lunch at Tiffany's
7. The Phoenix Serial Killer. Why kill the fine citizens of Phoenix when Tucson's just a couple of hours away?
6. The National Leadership Award. Yours truly received this award last week, but after I declined to contribute $500 to the National Republican Congressional Committee, they refused to send me my solid walnut gavel replica -- a prize I was fully entitled to! Jeers to you, NRCC!
5. Corporate Pension critics: If you don't have enough money to retire, you obviously have more work to do!
4. Monkey Butter!
3. World War 3
2. Wikiality
1. Questions asking for my 99 problems. That's just wrong.

Answer 2

No one has 99 problems. There all derived from 1 !!

Answer 3

Ask him !!
Maybe he'll tell you if you need to know ....
i do not need to know .....
Or speculate about 99 problems ...
eeek !!! too many !!!

But i'll take the points ....
since i'm around ...
Thanks .......
yippeeeeeeeeee !!!!

**********************************
Hmmmm ..
its possible he may find solutions to some,
but all 99 !! hmmmmmm again .....
Well, lets hope the answers for truthyness
won't be fruitless, if i could find one answer
i'd be gratefully happy and would feel spoiled
by even finding one answer to my life's woes ..
peace dear ......
smile

Answer 4

I think finding a New Black Friend accounts for most of them right now.

(Oh, and bears too, of course.)

Answer 5

Maybe he has a 99 mm d1ck.

Answer 6

being followed by the cops
getting busted by his drug buddies
not being able to get a job
all i really know is he has 99 problems and his b**ch ain't one!!

Answer 7

Bears...Wait, you are refering to Stephen Colbert, right?

Answer 8

98 of them are probably his woman. The other one, WHO KNOWS?

Answer 9

Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall
Ninety-nine bottles of beer
Take one down
Pass it around
Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall

Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall
Ninety-eight bottles of beer
Take one down
Pass it around
Ninety-seven bottles of beer on the wall

Ninety-seven bottles of beer on the wall
Ninety-seven bottles of beer
Take one down
Pass it around
Ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall

Ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall
Ninety-six bottles of beer
Take one down
Pass it around...

Answer 10

saggy diapers that leak