How can I re-start a communication with my adult daughter?

Question

She hasn't contacted me since this past Christmas. She has her late father's family in her head (they hate me) and her boyfriend and I don't hit it off, either. She lives on the other side of the country, so it's not easy. She won't communicate with me and I'm trying to let her know that I love her and I'm here when she needs me. How do I go about doing that and also maintain a relationship with her? She's my only daughter.

Answer 1

Why does her father's family hate you? Why don't you get along with the boyfriend? What do you think the reason is for her not contacting you? I need answeres to these questions before I go into giving you some insight.

Write back, I would love to help you out.

Answer 2

Write her a letter and, as the other answerer said, say that life is too short to be alienated from loved ones.

Tell her that you want to rebuild your relationship, and that you know there are things the two of you don't agree on or are angry about. Tell her you would like to start by not talking about the things that upset either of you and talking about anything and everything else. Ask her if you could just start this way and tell her you know it isn't 100% of how your relationship should be but its better to have some good relationship than none between you.

If you agree not to talk about the stuff that makes either or you upset it will give you time to have pleasant time and conversation between you without having the turmoil and emotions connected with the sore spots. The old stuff will still be there, but with enough pleasant time together over time the old stuff will start to shrink into the background a little. Some time if you get so you both feel solid and whole in the relationship again, and after there has been time for the bad stuff to become kind of old, you may be able to talk about it as well; but even if you never get to that point at least some relationship is better than none as long as all is pleasant.

You'd be surprised how enough non-conflict/pleasant "other talk" can improve things. Some people worry too much about solving the root of any hard feelings before moving on. Sometimes if the relationship is an important one you have to just accept agreeing not to touch any of the volatile stuff and being happy with a good but limited interaction. You can't fix things from upheaval and negative feelings.

It is quite possible that the two of you can never fix what went on and alienated you, but tell her you'd like to work around any holes that may always be there in the relationship and build something new and good in spite of those.

Answer 3

I would suggest snail-mailing and writing what you just said here -- that since she lives on the other side of the country, it's not easy to rebuild a relationship, but that you love her and are there when she needs you. (I'm a fifty year old mom of five kids, one is a daughter age 21 and fortunately we get along quite well, but my relationship with my own mom has been bad for most of my life and she's six hours away).

The hard part is going to be that you may not get what you want in return, or it may take a while. I'd suggest writing about once every three to four weeks. Try not to have much in the way of expectations from her as to how she responds. Emphasize positive topics. You can talk about local news, family doings, and even just little by little tell her stuff you may never have had a chance to -- your own childhood memories, or why you chose your hobby and how it's going, or what you look forward to, or your favorite memories with her in the past. Your opening up like this might build trust and help her get to know you better, and feel more like reconnecting.
I have a son, now 18, who lives at home but who had moderately bad emotional and behavioral problems when he was ages 11 to 16. He started to improve in 2003, EXCEPT he seemed depressed and gave us all the silent treatment for a year!!!!! What worked -- although it took several months -- is, every day, starting when he was about 14, whether he replied or not (and he usu. didn't), I'd talk to him for like 1/2 to one minute -- always telling him I loved him, and just sharing where I was coming from on certain things, often things having nothing to do with him directly. The fact that I loved him finally sank in and while he's no major conversationalist, he's not majorly disturbed any more and I feel that we now have a good relationship because I plugged away at rebuilding the warmth and trust slowly, offering that to him consistently.
God bless and good luck!!! I am sure it's hard for you to go thru this {{{{{hug}}}}. It's time and God that got me through that with my son.

Answer 4

Write her... and tell her how you feel, how you love her and how you both are hurting and you want to put an end to all this hurt and pain.. but don't say anything against or find fault with her or the people she loves.. apologize for anything you may or may not have done... and tell her that you and her are not the same persons you were before.. and since those persons do not exist.. then the past is the past... lets work toward the future with the new people you are today... I have one daughter & 5 years ago we had our differences.. this is what I said to her and we instantly agree to start living from that day on.. she is now 24 years old and has a 9 month old son... we are very close and I see my grandson almost everyday... I am soooooooo happy that I was able to swallow my pride and made it work for both of us.. we both have the up most respect and love for each other.. If this does not work right away don't give up!! that is very important!! Good luck and God bless You both!!

Answer 5

I would just stay away from insulting her father's family in your letters and phone calls. I would stay away from the guilt tactics too. It's very easy for a relative to push another relative's emotional buttons and it's a copout.

There must be a reason why your daughter felt she had to put some space between you and her, and there is a very complicated relationship dance that goes on between mothers and daughters.

She is your only daughter and none of us know what the true deal is between you and her.

Seek professional help to find out what has brought you to this point that your own children are distant from you, not just physically but emotionally. You say her father's family is "in her head" but you come off that she can't think for herself. What have you done to prove or disprove her father's family's opinion of you? Are they completely wrong or is there a kernel of truth somewhere in there?

You don't get along with the father's side of the family and you don't like her boyfriend and you don't get along with her. Do you see a pattern here?

Your daughter sounds like she's grown and can make her own decisions. She is no longer a child. She needs her mother to be a friend and non-judgmental. Until you face your own issues, you won't be able to make peace with your daughter.

Answer 6

Well, I know of someone who was in this situation. The woman's ex poisoned the daughter's head towards her mother because he was trying to get even for a divorce.
The only thing she could do was email her, and send her stuff in the mail. She would leave messages on the daughters' answering machine. I mean, she didn't harass her about it.
She also offered to go to a counselor if the daughter wanted to talk about it w/someone neutral.

This lady remembered holidays with her daughter, like birthdays, Christmas, etc.. by sending her email cards or cards or a note thru the mail.

Of course if the daughter cuts you off by not wanting you to have her address, email, etc.. then there is nothing you can do but pray and wait. Sometime she will come to her senses.

Answer 7

I'm sorry you haven't had any communication with your daughter; I know that must be tough.

I think I would write her a letter to let her know how sad you are that she has not been in your life. Let her know that you feel as if you are losing precious time with her and she is important to you.

I would stay away from engaging in any conversations about her fathers family or defending yourself against what they have to say about you. Tell her that you know they don't like you and you can't do anything about that, but you love her.

I'd also do the best I could to get along with her boyfriend, because like it or not, the only way to have a relationship with her is to "get along" with him.

Search your heart. Is there anything you can think of that you may have said or done to offend her? If so, apologize. If not, ask her and be willing to listen to her without defending yourself, but only understanding her experience.

I know this is difficult, but it may be the only way to mend this separation.

Everyone wants a mother; especially a mother who is concerned for her childs well-being.

Good luck!

Answer 8

I went through this with my father and it can be done. Call your daughter and tell her that you know right now you are not her favorite person but no matter what you are her mother and you love her and nothing she ever does can make you stop loving her and although you will not always like the choices she makes you will respect them as being hers and be happy for her. Even better if you can afford it take a trip out to where she is and tell her face to face and then she can also see the lenghts you will go to to be a part of her life. Good luck

Answer 9

Although I do not have a daughter, i feel like i can give you pretty good advice since ive been going through the same thing with my mother for a while.
Have you thought of writing her a letter? tell her in that letter how you feel about not being close to her anymore. tell her what you wish your relationship with her was like and why you miss it. sometimes a simple letter will make a world of difference. I believe that if you pour your heart out to your daughter on paper, not only will it be easier on you (face to face is much to hard) but it has a more sentimental value because she will know how hard it was for you to do that.
try it. I know i wish my mother had done that years ago. while we still talk. i feel that if i knew how she felt about our distance, then i wouldnt be as angry as i am today.
i hope that you and your daughter are able to patch things up.
~hendy

Answer 10

Hmmm well if you know her address you could write her a letter and tell her everything, don't forget to mention Life is too short for the two of you not to keep in touch. Tell her you would like to be included in her life and that you really want her in the rest of your life, even though it may just consist of phone calls and letters. Good luck.