How would you feel if you'd been married to someone for 20 years, and then found out that he/she is homosexual

Question

My friend's mom just found out that her husband of 20 years is gay...they have 2 kids together and basically the lived for one another...

Now, after all this time, he decided to come out...& he admitted that he knew that he was homosexual all along...

In my opinion, it was really selfish of him, to make someone devote their whole life to him, have children with that person and then just, out of nowhere, reveal your true self...

I've never had and never will have anything against homosexuals, but all I feel for my friend's dad is pity and disgust for making my friend and her mom suffer like this...

I am well aware that this is none of my business and will do my best not to get in the middle of it, but I just want to be there for my friend and help her through this...any suggestions on how I can help her?

Who said it's my mom?
It really isn't...

Answer 1

It is kind of selfish, but at the same time, its not. Did he say anything about his feelings towards his wife? He most likey married the person he felt safe with. 20 years ago, being gay wasnt as accepted as it is now. And being gay, isnt accepted.

I am for gay marriages, but there are thousans of people that vote against my one vote.

I would feel nothing but sorry for him. For 20 years, plus the years they dated, he knew he was gay. He didnt accept himself to be a homosexual. For a large part of his life, he has been fighting against himself.

I would feel nothing but sorry for him. His wife though, i would be more concerned about. 20 years of marriage and she never had a clue of this? Not to be mean, but i dont see how that is possible.

He lied about one thing. And that is his sexual choice. You shouldnt hold anything else against him. He was there for 20 years, which is 20 years more then what other families get.

He did say " I do" though. But he didnt take it back. He didnt break up with his wife when his children were still children and then leave off with anoter man. No.

He was a father. He was a husband. He was faithful. He was everything he could be, except a lover.

Answer 2

You are correct that this was very selfish behavior on the part of this poor woman's husband. What she has been through is similar to the experiences of other people who find out about the "secret lives" of their spouses. I assume that this person has been acting on his homosexual desires during his marriage. If this is not true and the husband regrets his past behavior and wants to change, there are special types of personal and marital counseling available for these situations. If you are aware of whether this is the case or can find out, that might be one option.

If, as I suspect to be the case by the tone and content of your question, the husband is going to live the lifestyle of a homosexual and divorce himself from his family, your friend, the sibling, and their mother must deal with this horrendous fraud that was committed against them and grieve the life that they once had with this man. In either case, you can support them in much the same way you would a friend who has had some other tragedy befall them.

I think it is important to keep in mind that the fact of the husband's homosexuality is nearly as important as the fact that he lied to his wife and children (and, indeed, most of the rest of the world). Your friend's mother needs to know that this was not her fault and there is really nothing she could have done to make him tell the truth. It would be similarly tragic to find out he had a string of heterosexual lovers, or that he was married to anther women, etc. The point is, he lied to her. It happens all the time and is not her fault. She must never, ever blame herself.

Thank you for seeking help for your friend's mother. You are a good and true friend and what you have done takes courage. I will pray for healing for this family. May God bless and keep them and you.

Answer 3

My heart goes out to your friends mum.l have been married for 15 years and have 3 childern with my husband.your friends mum, must be feeling so betrayed.Yes you are right,l do to feel that he has been very selfish,he should have been honest a long time ago,but your poor friend, not only has to deal with her parents breaking up,she to has also been betrayed, and has to get to know her dad all over again.Put any negitive feeling that you may have about the situation, and just be there for your friend.It will take a bit of time for your friend to get this all around her head and will need a good friend to talk with, or to sort things out in her head.It sounds as if you are a true friend.just being there will be a comfort to her.All the best.Hope your friends family all the best.

Answer 4

This is one of the reasons why same sex marriage should be allowed and even encouraged to those who really are into their own sex. It would prevent situations like these.

On the other hand most gay men/lesbian women are pushed by society to cover their preference and act as normal as possible. Some are even lured by the carrot and stick that they have a disease that will be cured by prayer and living a live as normal as possible. In reality it isn't like that. So before you judge try to put yourself in the shoes of the one who offends you, figure how you would have fared in a similar situation with a similar condition.

The man tried a big effort of self-denial and he failed at that. I don't think he failed to love the family he ended up with and he probably still does. The only thing in the way is his sexual preference.

So ask your friend if she still loves her dad and ask him if you can if he still loves his kids and (ex) wife. That imo is the best material they should use to build their bridges to and from one another.

Answer 5

I know this suggestion is going to be hard to accept, but I'd propose that your friend forgive her father and try to learn to love him. His inner conflicts were harder on himself than anyone else. And the choices he made were for the good of the family and children.

He will always be her father and she needs to try to return his love, especially now when he needs it. She also needs to support her mother who needs her children now more than ever.

As a conservative, I'm not a big supporter of the homosexual agenda. But I do believe that not many people consciously choose to be gay. Her father must have been torn between his devotion to his family and his homosexuality.

No good can come of your friend fostering hatred for a father who only wanted to make her life better.

Answer 6

Like you said yourself hun, just be there for her. If she needs to talk, listen and stuff like that. Most of all though be understanding! Your friend is probably going to go through a lot of different feelings/emotions. She might even get mad at some point and it may seem she's taking it out on you but she isn't. If it comes to that, just give her space.There's nothing more you can do really! Good luck!

Answer 7

Believe she knew awhile ago. Somethings people will try to not to face. But over the years there had to be definite tells. People go along with the notion they'll change. But what's in the heart of the other you can't guide, so they just stay with the status.

Answer 8

I think that once you have kids in a marital status you have to put yourself and your desires second. The kids are the main ones that get hurt. And you knew you were gay all along but you couldn't accept that fact so you decided to ruin other peoples lives.

Answer 9

Looks like he tried to live by the standards "middle America" sets. Ban gay marriage etc. He tried it there way and where did it get him. A lot of people got hurt. I would rather deal with the honesty that a lie.

Answer 10

Well that is tough and unfortunately not all that uncommon!! The thing is these men marry and have kids because they think that it will make the desire go away. But it doesn't and there they are and they don't know how to correct it or get out of it. The sad thing is that he probably loves her too. But no matter it would devastate me and I would probably hate him !!!