Here's the deal. This girl was probably my best friend for like 2 or 3 years. Then we dated for a little while, ugly breakup and in the long run decided to stay friends. So for a really long time I would put out a little extra to make sure we coudl stay friends, but I feel like that isn't mutual. If we have a conversation it's because I started it, she will usually invite me to go do something even with her family or even just us. I decided to test it recently by never initiating a conversation. So because of this we haven't spoken in almost 2 months. wtf? And trust me there's not tension there anymore we've each accepted that the other has been in happy relationships since the breakup, I'm just wondering if I should put forth the effort to stay friends or just drop her like that even though we are really compadible friends and can have a really good time?
2006-08-06 08:48:21 · 3 answers · asked by mwells0629 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
The problem with me calling her is that it would be me putting out the effort again, so it'd be like the last few weeks were all to no avail, right? And if she doesn't care enough to call, why should I? Why DO I?
2006-08-06 09:06:34 · update #1
Excellent question.
We play different roles for different friends. With some, we are the only driving force keeping the communication going. This even happens in married couples. If one party doesn't start intimacy or a conversation, neither of those things happen.
There's no simple test to determine whether you should continue, but here are some questions to help you evaluate:
1) Are you doing any significant harm by continuing to talk to her?
2) When you do initiate and talk to her, does she reciprocate in a like manner?
3) Does she act the same way to other friends?
4) Are her parents or other friends discouraging her being with you?
Raise your question above, and these other questions above with her in a one on one setting. Don't force her to answer right away. She may not know the answers herself, or she may, but not want to tell you the answers.
You probably are more willing to show her love than she is willing to show you love (for good or bad reasons on her part).
If ultimately she sends you consistent data that she is not as interested in you, here are some concepts that may help you cope (not that I've had the similar problem myself - sarcasm and humor intended).
1) Just because the person you love doesn't return the same back to you, that does not mean your love for them is still not real and good.
2) In rare circumstances, there might be cases where a person hides their love for you and they still truly love you. But I really don't know whether that is true, and I'm still seeking better wisdom on this topic.
3) If you are in love with someone who has abandoned you or hides their love for you, the answer is NOT necessarily to try to stop loving them or to deny you still care for them.- no matter how much you perceive a) their absence or b) their misconceptions and misrepresentations of you - hurt you.
4) You will be tempted to be angry or hate back at them, but consider never stopping loving them.
INSTEAD: To the degree you perceive the people you love have not shown you fair love in return, work to reach out and show love TO OTHERS. There are so many people who will benefit from your intelligent, loving actions. If you look consistently and carefully, you will find people who reciprocate in new, equal, and unique ways.
I wish you happiness. If you feel trapped in a cycle, feeling you have lost a true friend consider this: Just as there is probably not one answer to solve all of your questions, there probably is not just one person to meet all your interests.
To twist the Rolling Stones - You can't always get what you want, but if you try new and different things, you just might find other people to meet your different needs.
I'm sorry for your feelings of disconnection. Sincerely sorry. You may not be able to persuade her to change - that may be beyond your control. But you can choose whether you will love always.
One final suggestion - With the inner circle of friends and family that still supports you - debate the ideas discussed above and see if they have even better suggestions for you.
2006-08-07 03:50:23 · answer #1 · answered by onemorealternative 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
soundz like a tough situation. ive had a few friendz like that, u soon get fed up bothering. if shes worth it give it another phone call and if she doesnt bother with u after that then you no the answer soz. good luck with it all x
2006-08-06 09:45:35 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Aw bless you. If you miss her ring her and tell her. Good luck sounds like you need it.
2006-08-06 09:03:27 · answer #3 · answered by Sara 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋