Never say never. I am married unhappily I love another man. I finished the affair yesterday. Concience.help?

Question

I ended the affair because I felt judged by my concience. In truth I have recently known love in a way I never believed possible. I was a virgin when I married have been faithful 25 years and now the last two years found love. I have sacrificed this love for the sake of a marriage which is and always has been difficult. My husband suffers from depression. Has been violent in the past. But we keep up the middle class professional veneer in our small town. My heart is breaking. I know there are those of you who will say I am an adulteress and all things bad. I don't want to hurt anyone, I never imagined myself in this situation so before you judge....
Please what I need to know is anybody done similar turned their back on the man they truly and deeeply love through a belief that marriage is for life whatever. I am in bits here....may not be making as much sense as I would hope. Why is the question in my head, why find love at 50 years of age and be unable to pursue.

Answer 1

Hi Moggie, when I read your post, I can see that your heart is breaking. I imagine that you feel as if you are dying, having turned your back on this affair to go back to what sounds in some ways to be a difficult marriage.

Did you love your husband in the beginning? What I am "reading into" your post is that you once loved him and wanted things to work, but much disappointment and loneliness sent over so many years of time left you very very open and susceptible to this other man, who apparently noticed and desired you.

I don't know what you mean by "violent" (physically abusive to you, or just broke things and flipped out?) or by "past" (a year ago? 15 years ago?), so I am not sure how to respond to that or read into that. I know depression is hard not only for the depressed but for those who love them and have to live with -- they become self-absorbed and "take" energy from you, without giving much in return.

(Note: This is no judgment on depression, which I have personally experienced. It's simply part of what happens when one is perpetually depressed.)

I think that your courage and desire to be faithful to your marriage, even though it's feeling like death to you right now, is admirable; but I also know that you cannot make it through sheer willpower alone. You will tire and fail... either life will be bland and empty for you, or you will eventually leave.

I don't know which of these is applicable, so I will just suggest what comes to mind:

1. Your husband needs serious treatment for his depression, if he has not received anyway. If it is not a physical/medical depression, then he needs to be counseled about whatever is contributing to his depression, so he can resolve the core issues.

2. If your husband has been physically abusive to you recently, you need to deal with that. No doubt some of it came out of the depression and feelings of powerlessness; but again he needs to deal with his core issues. If the abuse was far (I'm talking a few years or more) in the past and has not been repeated nor seems likely to reoccur and you feel safe in your environment, then I would postpone thinking about it while you deal with immediate issues.

3. What did you love about your husband originally? Why did you pick him? What brought you together? Is any of that still there? Can any of that give you the desire to continue and work on the marriage?

4. What would it mean to really love your husband? For him to become a mature and healthy person, the man you envisioned him as early on, how should you treat him? What should you do and not do for him? I know it is really hard to love someone, especially if they are not meeting your emotional needs and seem to be taking.

I don't think you are required to coddle your husband in his behavior, enable him in any way, do things that make him feel good as matter of course. The "depression" though is vague enough I do not know what sort of responses to him would be realistic -- the root of the depression helps determine how much you need to buffer him.

5. Meanwhile, I would say that it's okay to grieve what you have lost. Be honest with yourself: You had wonderful expectations for your marriage, and they did not pan out as you had hoped. You tried to find happiness elsewhere and ended up experiencing some (at least) of what you felt you had been missing, but you could not live with being unfaithful to your husband. It's okay to grieve over the fact that part of you feels empty and have been hurt by what your husband did not provide. Accepting the hurt is part of learning how to step past it.

I know it is very very hard to re-enter that painful relationship with your husband. You were feeling unloved and empty and, not knowing how to deal with your husband, you retreated to a new relationship in order to fill those feelings.

6. I do not know what your "faith" background is. For Christians, those feelings of "dying" and feeling unfulfilled are countered by God's promise that, no matter how we feel, we will not die but can still find life and contentment even in the midst of pain like this. Knowing that we can work through the feelings gives us some courage and a foundation to move on. If you do not have a faith background, I'm not sure how to advise you exactly -- those feelings of "dying" in your marriage are very real, and you have no assurance that you will survive and one day be happy.

In any case, you need your friends to lean on (maybe you have done so in the past) -- people who know how hard marriage is, who have dealt with disappointment, and who can be shoulders for you to cry on and encouragement for you to derive energy from as you commit to working on your marriage.

Again, just going back is a good first step, but you feel dead because your marriage IS in many ways dead; and things need to change both on your part and your husband's part.

I'm sorry this is so disjointed and does not provide clear steps; life is usually not that easy. My heart does go out to you, and I empathize with where you are right now in your life. Be well.

Answer 2

You did the right thing by ending the affair. It probably took a lot of strength on your part. Now use that strength to build your relationship with your husband. Affairs are not real life. Who knows what your relationship with the new guy would be if you were dealing with realities, bills, family issues, illness, etc...He (hubby) is no longer abusive, but does suffer from depression. Maybe the two of you could go to counseling and try to help the problem. If you try to rebuild your relationship with your husband, and give it 100% effort with no outside distractions, and then after a year you still are unhappy and he has not improved you can say you gave it your best and can honestly think about separation. Just be fair and make sure that there are no forces outside of your marriage encouraging your break, and remember the impact it will have on other people in your family. Be sure it is worth it.

Answer 3

No offense - what right do you have to ruin his life, his goals and his dreams? You say for the last few years he has been studying to be a priest ... that means before you came along and even now with you, he is still moving forward. He plans to go to Italy to continue ... IF He chooses to end his studies, that is for him and not you to influence. Divorce among Catholics is frowned upon ... and to me an annulment after more than 1 year is shameful (only 2 exceptions are abuse and infidelity). Do you think he'll want to marry you after you divorce your husband? You are both practicing Catholics - are you both devout? My personal opinion, IF you must, ask him how he truly feels about you. Do NOT tell him of your feelings until you have heard his. He may feel his feelings for you are a test, and not real. Do not destroy his faith, his beliefs, all because you are an unhappy wife. Get Counseling! Individual counseling and couples counseling for your marriage ... you need to put your efforts there and Not in looking for another man. Bringing a third party into a marriage is just asking for trouble. You fell in love with your husband - remember why and bring it back. Start dating again, do all you can to keep your marriage. IF you feel it's truly over, then divorce, and be completely free BEFORE you seek out another man. Do not be so cruel as to invite someone into an affair - that has no future hope of happiness for any of the people involved, only misery and pain, and yes, shame. Blessings

Answer 4

So, you expect support, and understanding, because you're ending the affair? There isn't any need to use words like adulteress, why bother using nicer sounding words? You decided to violate your wedding vows. That's called being slutty. Oh, that's right, you were a virgin when you married, and were faithful for 25 years. I should have said middle aged whorish. After all, you've cheated for two years, hardly a lapse, or mistake. You ended it because you felt judged by your conscience? Hmmm. It took 2 years for your conscience to notice another man banging you? It's nice that you don't want to hurt anybody, but managed to find a stud to screw, and never imagined yourself in this situation- how then did it start??? Did you happen to fall into his bed, while somehow naked? Lady, you've written this cheap, tawdry affair up in nice sounding terms, but it was just common lust, and lousy morals. My compliments though on that phrase about turning your back on the man they truly love through a belief that marriage is for life. Too bad fidelity isn't- for you.

Answer 5

Well, first of all, you are in the wrong. It's not judging or hating to say what is wrong...is wrong.
It sounds like your marriage is just for show, but you took a vow. Unless your husband has physically cheated on you, you are not free from that vow. Of course, by most state laws, you can just end your marriage and leave. It sounds like you were never in love with him in the first place, and you say you never meant to hurt anyone, but you are hurting him. Don't get me wrong, I'm not placing all the blame on you. If your husband is the way you say he is, than things are partly his fault too, but this situation isn't about who is at fault or who is the better person.
You broke your vows, you think you are in love, and maybe you are, but it sounds more like midlife crisis to me. You are bored with your life and looking for excitement, and now you think you have found it with another man. The novelty will wear off sooner or later, and you will find yourself asking, "why did I do that?"
Right now, honesty is the best thing for you. You may still love your husband. You gave up your affair, maybe not for him, but in your subconsious, that may be your reason. Tell him the truth. If he leaves you, well, you are free to go back to the other man then. If not, then you know he loves you, and you have a chance to work things out and make your life with him better. Either way, if you are just honest, things will probably turn out better, but make no mistake, you did do something wrong, and there will be negative consequences from it too.

Answer 6

Unfortunately a lot of people find themselves in your situation. I don't think that you don't love your husband I just think your not in love with him. You may need to leave the marriage. I know this is hard but if you don't love him in that wifely way then you need to leave. You can find love at any age. Personally I feel you ended the relationship with the wrong person. Sometimes marriages don't work and why stay and be miserable. Go and be happy you only live once. Besides why stay in an abusive relationship. Good luck.

Answer 7

You took vows with your husband and you should be true to them. The fact that you cut off your affair is admirable. What you did was wrong, but you stopped it. The key now is to make your marriage something you love and something you love being a part of.
Get into marriage counseling and start working out your problems with your husband. You said your husband is often depressed - he may need to be on medication for his depression which would make a huge difference in how he acts.
No matter what you think, you did the right thing. You have to let this other guy go and concentrate on your marriage. Your marriage can be something you love and cherish, but you just have to work at it.

Answer 8

I think that many people have that same problem, However some just choose to go after the love and leave the marriage while others choose to stay in the marriage and leave the love.
Either way you need to do what is right in your heart and head, and if you can feel comfortable in your own skin for what you are denying yourself or what you are accepting as your life then so be it...
Don't regret any decision you make, because it is yours to make and don't let anyone judge you. Just be happy with every decission you make for there are good points and bad points on everything.
good luck

Answer 9

I'm gonna say NEVER, because it's never to late to find truth in life!!! You was young at your first time, now you grew up... Let your conscience be your guide... 25 years is a long time!!! I'm sure you've seen better& worse in the marriage...NEVER belive you're wrong to fall in love with someone esle... Who knows why your husband is so depress...Is it your fault?? Marriage is forever when it forever be, simple as that!!! Divorce is also written... 50 years old is not to old to keep love, peace,& happinest in your life!!! Hopefully you see where I'm coming from with this, Take and run with it sister!!!

Answer 10

Your first mistake is staying with a man that has been violent to you and 2ndly putting on this veneer. It doesn't matter what other think, they're not the ones who endured your husband's violence. Your husband broke his marriage vows the first time he became violent with you. The first time he did it should of been the last time. Personally I cannot stay with a man that resorts to violence and no other woman should either. Forgive him, forgive yourself for the affair and move on without that violent man.

Answer 11

The question to ask yourself is, would you be happier with the man you love, or in your comfortable situation?

Someone's gonna get hurt. Sounds like right now, three people will end up hurt, whereas a committment on your part to one or the other will reduce that number by at least one, possibly two.