I am normally very easygoing and rarely get mad. But when I get mad, I REALLY let people have it.?

Question

Also, when I become mad my face becomes noticeably pale (obviously I'm white). People that haven't known me that long are normally completely shocked to see me mad and turn pale given my normal easygoing manner. What normally angers me is when people cross the line with me (e.g., rudeness). Any insight on what is behind this rage and my face turning pale?

Answer 1

What's behind the rage? Overcontrol. Seriously, chances are you've been through some violence of your own in your life, have sworn not to be like that, and now you simply don't *let* yourself feel the anger properly until you are about to explode.

There are answers for this but most of them are not to be found in your typical Anger Management class, where overcontrol is what folks train for, courtesy of that cognitive behavioral stuff.

See if you can't find and/or afford some counseling that involves Play Therapy...seriously, what you need to do (what I am currently doing to some degree in sessions myself) is to find yourself a *safe space* and a safe outlet to not just be angry, but to process that anger, to think about it from some distance too so that you can decide on a more rational, less urgent level what controls work for you and which ones merely *work ON* you instead.

You also may wish to pursue meditation, of a Zen or "mindfulness" sort, wherein you implicitly *allow* yourself to have your feelings come to the surface, and whatever they are, you make a principled decision to *not judge the feelings or thoughts* you have but instead you decide to let them pass from you, like a log floating down a river.....

Yes, I know, this all sounds counter-intuitive, being rid of the anger by *feeling the anger* and learning how to let it pass without taking unduly harsh action, but, the alternative is likely wrecking your health.

The paleness in your face when you lose it is a major sign that things are messed up. When most folks get angry they get flushed as blood pressure rises in response to adrenaline and the whole autonomic fight-or-flight response. It is only when that response goes to its utter ragged *extreme* that blood flow to extremities gets cut off.

Basically, what is happening is that you are going *straight* to Defcon One, straight to *full-out Kill mode* over mere words, over *rudeness*, at least on an autonomic, hormonal level. This extremity of response, in the absence of other signs strongly suggests to me some kind of post-traumatic stress issue, but I am not one to judge or diagnose, all I can say is, go to a qualified Psychologist or Psychiatrist and ask him or her what you are asking here, *just as* you are asking it....

But....just to give you more to work with here:

--do you wake up at night finding yourself grinding your teeth? Do you wake up with a sore jaw in the morning?

--do you have headaches or upper-body tension aches in your neck and shoulders that you can't explain?

--do you find yourself cut or bruised after any sort of physical exertion and completely unaware how that minor injury *got there*?

--do you find yourself feeling either more solid and real, or way *way* less solid and real than normal? Have you felt like your flesh was made of lead when you are angry, or that the wind could pass *through you* when you are sad or scared?

--do you have digestive system problems, like upset stomach, or the runs/diarrhea?

--do you find yourself having frequent nightmares? Especially ones that you cannot remember on waking? How about the occasional intrusive memory that you can't quite make sense of or get off the tip of your tongue?

--do you find your startle reflex at sudden loud noises or physical contact to be much more intense than what it should be?

If you are answering yes, a definite yes, to at least four of these, then by all means get help. It likely means that you have some post-traumatic issues, though a professional (as opposed to someone living with it like me) could likely be of more help to you.

Good luck to you, I hope life gets better for you soon.

Answer 2

It might be that you hold everything back and then the pressure builds up and explodes. So maybe you need to work on getting 'annoyed' at people more often and letting them know before you reach the boiling point. 'Hey, would you call me first before you come over to visit!?' or whatever. Or maybe you let people take advantage or you, or put yourself out too far. Some people do favors for people or give gifts and they just assume that the other person will give back. Then when it doesn't happen, they get mad.

My Dad has the problem that he doesn't know himself and his emotions very well. So, he'll get mad about something but he doesn't even realize that he's mad and he'll yell about something else. You can even ask him, are you mad? And he'll say no; but his fists are clenched and his face is screwed up. Or ask him why he's mad and he gives the wrong answer. Now he is learning to tell people when he gets mad but he hasn't learned the difference between justified anger and unjustified. So now he expresses his anger but sometimes he yells at someone for something that isn't her fault.

Answer 3

You're like me, except the pale face part. I am usually easy going and calm. But there are things that I find unacceptable, and will be able to tolerate for a short time, but, as you say, if someone crosses the line, the face a wrath like no other. The pale face part could just be something that happens as a reaction to your anger. My heart races right before I go after somebody and will stay up for a long time after.

Answer 4

Hi, my name is Kelly and I'm your twin except after I go pail I sometimes get a little flush. Strangers may not know the buttons but family and friends should know by now wouldn't you think. Well we really should say something to plolitely redirect them before we let them get on our last little noodley nerve don't ya think?
(not that I'm one to talk mind you, still working on it)
Dealing With Rage - Healing Rage vs. Acting Out Rage
... The TOOLS: Tool #2 - The Path of Tears. Dealing With Rage. See also: : Rage & Dark Consciousness. and The Growth of Rage. Rage, especially now, in this most crucial of times ...www.cyquest.com/pathway/rage.html - 29k here is a good site.

Answer 5

often an easygoing manner is a mask...it may help to spend more time on the things that anger you, and learn to deal with those things in a calm manner. anger is not a bad emotion, it is just that we are not usually taught how to handle it and as a result most people feel that they "lose it" when they are angered. I suggest practicing remaining calm through an angry situation and visualizing how you would like to react. and remember, any time someone crosses the line with you ..this too shall pass

Answer 6

I understand wat u meant...same thing to me too! Just tht my face colour do not change coz am not so white! Lol:p Anyways, thing is...u rarely get mad...even when u r not easy with certain things. It could be coz u feel, there is no point to create a mountain out a molehill...thus when sumthing really big happens, u just erupt! Just like a volcano...I think u should be more often with ur feelings...even if u r not mad...but u dont agree with sumthing or theres sumthing u dont like...Voice out...just do it nicely...it gonna makes u feel better n u wont be bottling too much n adding more in E bottle everytime u stay mum :)

Answer 7

We're exactly the same I rarely get mad too but when I get, everybody goes quiet cause they don't ever expect me see ever doing that. I think it's better just to let it go from time to time and not just suddenly "implode". I find it better not to keep it cause it's just extra baggage. Just let it out from time to time.

Answer 8

Other then perhaps an anger management class I haven't a clue. Don't let people push your buttons.

Answer 9

just sit and breath then go to the bathroom and break some toys no just take a shower

Answer 10

me and u are so much alike! except I don't turn pale. lol

I would say the level of your anger.