If you are or have stayed in a unhappy relationship for the children do u think it benefited them?

Question

I'm doing a research paper for school and trying to find pros and cons for each but haven't found that much reasearch done for when parents do stay in the marriage for the children just how does divorce affect the children. Thank you for your help

Answer 1

I thought it was best at the time to stay but found out later (when I filed for divorce) that it was most definitely the wrong thing to do. You do have an obligation to them, however, to do EVERYTHING possible to reconcile and get that relationship on the right path. You owe it to them because they didn't choose to be here, you might be putting them in a very disturbing, disruptive situation and they need to see mom and dad trying to work through the differences. I learned a valuable lesson during this whole ordeal, don't ever lie to the kids and say "all is ok" because they can feel that it isn't and you saying it is just confuses them more. I believe that if a relationship is sour, gone, volitle, beyond fixing, etc. you should do something right then. You need to file and get it done asap, for everyone's sake. If you stay, make sure the kids observe the two of you trying to make amends and changes. If you are not planning to stay, get out now. It is not healthy for the kids to see mom and dad "pretending" to get along and then one day one is not there any more. I have 2 boys that are 12 years apart (7 and 19 then) and it affected my older son just as much as my younger, which surprised me. I stayed another year before filing (for the 3rd time) and sticking to my guns to get it done. Very hard to see what kids go through and harder to get them to talk about how they feel. Most times they can't put how they feel into words so they show it in actions, usually very bad actions. I've been divorced 7 years and my youngest son (now 15) is still showing signs of resentment. He has trust and authority issues that gets him in trouble quite a bit. School is an issue every year. Both have had trouble with authority, drugs, alcohol, the law, school, keeping friends, but most importantly, their self-esteem. At first they were embarrased to tell anyone that their parents were divorced, then the feelings went to self pity, then hate and anger, then complete shut-down. They are so torn between the two people that they thought would always be there to nurture and support them. If the split is somewhat friendly, it's still difficult on the kids to start shifting from house to house to see both parents, but if both get started with their new lives quickly and are happy about it and happy that the other is doing well, the kids adjust a whole lot faster and easier. If the split is anything but friendly, do all you can to assure your kids that you will always be there for them and get professional help so they can vent their concerns about both parents without being judged or reprimanded. Parents should NEVER talk negatively about the other in front of kids.
If the relationship was bad and abusive, don't wait!!! Take the kids and get out now!!!! You are welcome in any shelter or friends house, just keep remembering the kids and what they observe will effect them the rest of their lives, may even become abusive themselves. Talk to them!!!! Make sure they understand what is going on and why. They do appreciate honesty.
Hope this bit of my life helps with your report.

Answer 2

Staying together for the children is the WORST thing a couple can do. They start blaming their misery on the children (in their minds) and treat the children worse sometimes. They treat each other bad which directly affects the children and teaches the children to treat their spouse that way. It teaches the children to grow up to have unhealthy relationships with no love in them.

Divorce is hard, but if the two people can just be adults about it and allow each other their own relationship with the children, not constantly putting the other parent down, then the children get to know both parents and it benefits them. This cannot always be done, in cases where one parent is abusive and may hurt the child - but in many cases it can be accomplished.

I have two ex husbands. The first one I have one child with, we remained friends and she has turned out just fine, as she grew older and saw him go through 4 other wives, she understood why I was not with him, but I never tried to make her think bad of him.
My other ex chose not to be in his childrens lives, and then when he did he treated them badly and did immoral things around them, they do not like him only because he treated them the way he did, not because of my attitude. They also turned out fine, but with more struggles because their Dad was not a part of their lives and made them feel he didn't care.

You divorce each other, not the children. You let the children decide what to think of that parent and don't run the other parent down to the child.

Answer 3

it doesn't benefit the children for an unhappy marriage to stay together. My parents stayed together because of me and my siblings, it was h*ll. We would hear the fights and the yelling and it was nerve racking. Even if a couple stays together only for the kids and they don't have all the fighting, kids still know that something isn't right. Kids are very bright and they can pick up on things before anyone else can.
Finally my parents divorced and it was the best for all of us, my grades went up, my attitude was better, and I was happier. Good luck on research, hope this helped.

Answer 4

My best friend went through this. She did stay for some time. But kids know what is going on even if they don't hear it. Her kids knew that mommy was unhappy all the time, and that makes them unhappy. She decided to leave and get a divorce. For awhile it was hard on the kids, because they were use to mommy and daddy being together. It has been about 2 years now and everyone is so happy. They still see both parents, and the parents get along so much better now than they ever did. I really think the kids just want mommy and daddy to be happy. They would like them to be together, but if that can't happen then it is best to just separate and be happy.

Answer 5

I have first hand experience. I stayed in a relationship with my kids father and it was a bad one but I wanted to hold the family together and thought it would be better for the kids not to have a broken home. I realized kids are very smart and when there parents are not happy they are not happy they can sense the tension. I knew it was time when my small children started begging me to leave there daddy, and now it has been 7 years and they have a great relationship with there dad and we get along better than we ever had. I made the mistake because kids no matter how young never forget and have memories.

Answer 6

I stayed til my kids were 9 and 11, then finally left. During the divorce, it was very very hard on them, but it was also very very hard on them when I was still with their father, as we fought all the time, and the kids were undergoing such a bad family life. My kids are grown now and they both tell me that it was a good thing I left their dad when I did.

Answer 7

I don't think it benefits children, id anything, it brings them down more. My mom and dad were constantly fighting, my dad was an alcoholic, my mom worked all the time to support us. They filed for divorce when I was 17. I think it hurt worse, seeing my mom and dad so miseralble with eachother for so long.

Answer 8

I stayed 2 years longer than I wanted to for the sake of my kids. It really doesn't work... it just prolongs the inevitable.

Answer 9

My personal opinion is....if there is no physical or emotional abuse the parents owe it to their children to stay married. Just because you've fallen out of love or just because you've found your "soul-mate" is just too bad.