Why Am I So Bitter About Her Sexual Past?

Question

I have been dating a girl for about a year and a half.

We are in love and get on great. Recently we had some drinks and talked about past partners. (she had on numerous previous occasions not wanted to talk about it).

We are both mid-twenties. I have had 10 sexual partners and I discovered she has had 65.

I regret finding out because i think of this large figure constantly.
I feel like going mad and being unfaithful - a lot. Part of me resents her slutty past, yet I know she loves me, wants to settle down with me and has been faithful to me.

What is the best way for me to deal with this being in my head as it is getting in the way of me enjoying our relationship

Answer 1

On average men tend to add a few onto their real figure and women tend to take a few off when it comes to answering the age old question of sexual partners.

It sounds to me as if she has been pretty honest with you and you should take that as a good sign. Imagine if she'd lied to spare your feelings and then you found out the true figure later down the line? Truth and honesty in what she's given you here. Sometimes its not easy to hear the truth as it can cut deep but its better than a lie or being patronised.

Also have you considered this....... she was reluctant to talk about it before and then you both got round to 'the talk' you found out something you dont like. Thats what being in love is all about - its that pure, raw, laying down of emotional barriers which can be scary but its also about accepting that all you have gone through in the past as an individual has led you to the point you're at just now i.e. you both love each other NOW.

Live in the HERE & NOW not the past. It cant be undone, no good or bad deed can be undone from the past, it happened in order for you both to find each other. That might sound a bit far out and spiritual but its true.

Also you dont know where her head was at back then, she could have been having a VERY hard time and the only way to forget what was running in the background may have been to have found solace in the arms (or bed) of another. Walk a mile in someone elses shoes before you think bad of them.

If she's had 65 sexual partners but wants to settle with you, then what does that say? It says that she LOVES you, she has found her soulmate and that everything that went before doesnt matter to her as she's found you!! Take it as a HUGE compliment - you have succeeded in capturing her heart where others have maybe failed or have mistreated her - you will let her down badly if you take her past as an indicator of your future together and she may well lose ALL trust in men and relationships and think you are like all the rest.

Be a true man and nurture her and wipe away any insecurities she might have about her own past and love her for the person she is NOW. You never knew her in the past so forget about it.

Good luck - you sound a decent guy so dont f*ck it by letting insecurities take over xxx :-)

Answer 2

If she has had 65 partners..i think she is testing you to see what you would do. There is no way that a woman could have had that many sexual partners unless she was living a "swinger" lifestyle.
Even if she did live a swinger lifestyle,and she is a blonde ,there is no way a blonde can count that high anyways.
So I would just forget about it ,and if I were you I would hold off on this marriage thing until you get this thing settled,because after you are married,it will cost you many $$$$$ to get a divorce and you will have to pay a woman who has had multiple partners for at least who knows how long. There is a chance that she could be conning you to get married just so she could reap the benifits of alimony ,after all that is how the laws in this country are set up in her favor not yours.
It doesen't matter what a woman does,or how slutty she is,she still reigns as queen in the eyes of the law and courts in this great country of ours.
Hang on to your wallet and I would definately cool your jets and find other things to do on the weekends like golfing with your buddies,or fishing with friends..instead of wasting your time with a cheater .
Good luck !
If she has had that many partners ,is she is telling the truth which i doubt she is really,but if she is,I would hang on to your wallet tightly brother..because she is definately not out for the sex and companionship,because obviously she has gotten that at least 65 times before with other guys..so I would definately rethink your priorities and your choice for a life partner. ..In other words move on..She conned you..into believing she was something she is not .
Sorry guy it happens to the best of us ! ..I know it has happened to me more than once..and yes i had to pay..,and was conned out of 800 dollars out of a airline stewardess who made me believe we had a thing going.
She gave me the hard luck story about needing money for rent for her and her son,and as soon as she got the money (almost $1000.00),she bought a ticket for Texas and off she went to live with her supposedly "ex" boyfriend/husband whatever..
You live and learn ..learn by other peoples mistakes and take advice from someone who was left standing with empety pockets and no girlfriend..ha ha ..i know it's funny now..but it was't funny then and I know it isn't funny for you right now..
I feel for you man

Answer 3

Here are 4 things you should consider:


The past does not equal the future unless you live there.

Sexual discovery is an active relearning, and is something experienced by everyone, albeit at different levels. Some have it a lot. Some don't.

Focus on the good things. Instead of seeing her as a past ****, see her as a sexual graduate, and reap the rewards of experience.

And finally: Watch the movie "The Royal Tenenbaums." Focus on the Margot character (played by Gwyneth Paltrow).

Answer 4

Sounds like a bit of jealousy. She's slept with more people than you therefore she's a ****, if it had been the other way around you'd have been a stud...just how it is (still). Just because she's had more partners than you shouldn't make you concerned, after all she's had experience, she's seen what's out there and yet she's spent the past 18 months with you! Doesn't that tell you something mate?

Don't mess things up by doing something 'blokey'. I sound like a middle aged woman lol

Answer 5

either let the resentment go or walk away from her!
her past is just that, the past...you having an affair on her is not going to change that.
has she become a different person since you found out or have you, are you willing to live without her because of it, would you be angry if the numbers were reverse (i'm guessing not). those are a few of the questions you need to ask yourself.
also, punishing her mentally or physically may only bring her to the point were she wants to leave you, so you must resolve this problem in your mind soon.
good luck, and don't loose something beautiful out of jealousy!

Answer 6

I imagine it would be different if you had slept with more people than she had.

Think about it.....she has had a good time in the PAST but she has been there and done that so why would she want to cheat on you? You would feel insecure if she was a virgin because you would be woried that she would want to try out differnet experiences with other men. So really she can't win.

Don't let your jealousy ruin what you have now....otherwise you will be number 66 and she will telling number 67 about you (in the past tense!!!!)

Answer 7

Obviously you were curious more than you were ready to accept. It's important what you have with her now and how she behaives toward you now. If she is caring, understanding, faithful and loving and you think she might be the one....who cares about the past? It might be dangerious to judge somebody else toward the past. And what would you think about the guy at the same age having so many girls in the past? I'm sure you wouldn't say his slutty past, but his Casanova past.

Maybe you just don't know what made her changing partners so frequently. Maybe you should talk to her about it but maybe you don't wish to know any further.

Answer 8

The fact that she has slept with a large amount of people in the past before she met you might mean that she is completely ready to settle down with you now, i think you need to just try to forget about it and in future if someone doesn't want to tell you some thing don't push the point!
Also the fact that she was honest with you about it must mean alot cos it must have been embarrassing for her.

Answer 9

I know this post is old but I'm in the same position, only in a girl and he's a guy. He's been with 10x more people than me and it hurts really bad. To anyone in this position--don't believe people trying to tell you it's just your pride. I know how I feel, it's not my pride or insecurity that I'm not as good (even if they come into play from time to time). It's the fact that they have know the man I love the same way I do. And he's known them the way he knows me, it's disgusting. And I'm just trying to blindly battle my way through my hurt and emotions to make it work.

Answer 10

You have to make a big decision either you will love her or not. It is quite simple. Just ask youself that whether you could love this girl even though she had done some thing in the past. If you love this girl and forgive her. Forget about the past and look into your future, that is all it matters. She is not guilty for her past before you. Forgiveness is a great gift.
Decision is yours!!!