If you knew your mother was planning to do something wrong, would you say something?

Question

My mother is planning on doing something that will bring up some bad memories with my older sister. I'm afraid that they'll never speak again. The thing is, my mom doesn't even realize that what she's planning will ruin her delicate relationship with my sister. Should I try to talk to her about it? The thing is my mother doesn't know that I know about the past problems, and my sister doesn't know what my mother is planning. I don't know what to do.

When my sister was 14 she was sexually assaulted by my mom's oldest brother, but my mom never believed her and it caused them to grow apart. He's now in his 70's and needs a place to live. There's another sibling willing to take him in, but my mom really wants to do it. She still doesn't believe my sister, and they have a very strained relationship. If she takes this man in, my sister will take it as the final straw. I can't bare having to watch this happen.

Answer 1

If it was me, I'd let sis take care of dear old helpless Uncle while he lives with the cold hearted and uncaring mother. God forbid a pillow land on his face and smother him one night.

Stand by your sister doll, not by the ones who hurt her and then ignored the pain they caused in her for so many years.

(( By the way you mom just comes from the generation of women where beatings, drunks, and rapes in the family were kept secret; never spoken about, and simply ignored. Teach her that your generation isn't that stupid or beat down. We stand up for our children and sisters in this day and age.

Screw silence, it only leads to the molester hurting someone else, and the ones he already hurt get hurt even more by their family not caring or doing anything about it. If sister lives at mom's house now, best to warn her up front as well. ))

Answer 2

Talk to your mother. Tell her that what she is planning to do is going to ruin your family. Your uncle can live with the other family and no harm would be done. If he comes to stay with your, your family would be ruined. Make her understand how bad your sister feels about this issue and how this may just tear her apart. Tell her to make a good choice - she can either keep everything fine or she can ruin her own family by not considering her own daughter's feelings.

Do not yell at her. Just try to make her understand. First talk to her alone. Then you may consider bringing your sister in the discussion. Your sister's distress may make your mother realize what she was about to do and how she was not bothering about her own daughter.

You have the advantage as your uncle will not be abandoned; he will be taken care of by another sibling. And that will be the win-win situation. So tell her to think twice and do what will be good for everyone.

Answer 3

Unfortunately there are some times things in life that we feel that we should get involved with. This how ever can have negative affects do not know what the specific subject you are worried about. It sounds like you are really concerned about the out come of this.

Try be positive. Maybe it will make there relationship better.

I also highly recommend that you discuss this worrying matter with a professional IE Teacher or Psychologist or somebody who may have a little more experience in dealing with these kind of life problems.

I really hope and pray that things go smoothly with out any harsh feelings.

Good luck and I linked some sites below. I believe the last site offers free counseling, but don't quote me on that.

Answer 4

I think you should privately calmly talk to your mom and tell her that you know of her plans. Let her know that you think that what she is planning will forever ruin her relationship with your sister. Let her know of the past problems that you know about. Be prepared for her to tell you that you don't know the half of it, and it's none of your business.

Try to keep things low key. Don't let things blow up. Tell your mom that if she truly loves your sister she will not do what she has planned.

You will thank yourself and be proud if she listens to you and takes your advice. You will possibly forever hate yourself if you sit back and do nothing to stop this possibly catastrophic action/reaction between your mother and your sister. You are in a unique position knowing what you know. Put it to good use. Remember to try to pick the right moment and talk about it seriously and in an concerned understanding way, but low key. If things blow up, you may lose your chance. Don't let it get to that point. Be tactful and discrete.

Good luck. I hope all goes well with you all.

Answer 5

Your concern for your sister is very commendable. Unfortunately, people often don't want to believe a victim. I'm sure your mother is having difficulty believing your sister because she loves her brother and the thought of him being capable of this kind of abuse taints her in some way. If she denies the abuse, then she doesn't feel tainted.

However, a victim simply cannot stand alone; the silence is crushing. Your sister needs someone to stand by her and acknowledge her injuries so is protected, can heal and move on to the life she deserves. Silence only aids the abuser and keeps the chronic nature of abuse alive.

I think I would talk to your mother and explain to her that you understand that it is difficult for her to believe that her brother would be capable of sexual abuse; however, it is important to err on the side of caution and to provide a safe environment for her children. Her brother has other options, her children do not.

If your mother still insists on going forward with her plan, I would lend your sister your support and protection by going to someone outside the family (school counselor, a trusted adult etc.) for help.

I know it is difficult to help an abuse survivor. All the abuser asks is for our silence to keep status quo and enable the chronic nature of abuse; however, the victim needs help with protection, sharing the burden of pain and healing.

Good luck.

Answer 6

go to your sister seems like you just might have a closer relationship with her. Not only that but your sister will regret you for not telling her if she ever finds out that you knew. aslo talk to your mom and tell her to grow up and to look at the consequences she might recieve from all angles and that if she ever did that to you you would stop talking to her.

Answer 7

If you mention an ALTERNATIVE PLAN to your mother, privately, without witnesses, do so. Try to avoid explaining your alternative as a necessity because your mother's plan is insensitive or volatile.

Otherwise, if it can't be done in comlete private and calmly, say nothing and stay out of it.

Answer 8

I'm really sorry. Say something to your mother. If she goes ahead and does it, there will be nothing you can do, but at least your conscience will be clear. Also, if your mother still goes ahead with her plans warn your sister.

Answer 9

I would talk to your mom. Tell her that it doesn't matter how you know about what she's planning, just ask her how she thinks it will affect your sister, and tell her she might want to think twice about doing it.

Answer 10

first you should talk to your mom and tell her that if she does what she planned it can ruin your sister's relationship with her. she probably doesn't even realize that she is playing with fire. try to convince her of not doing what she is planning!!!!