i want to laugh sooo hard that i pee my pants...can you help me? just tell a hilarious joke mmk
2006-08-05 17:59:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
try this one........
The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.
It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, "If that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite."
Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.
The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.
"Well", the husband replied, "There are three reasons I won't punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn't have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. But most of all, I'm not going to punch anyone who's big enough to eat that much ice cream!"
2006-08-06 02:48:04 · answer #1 · answered by MK 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
An Irishman (no offence to the Irish people, it's just the context of the joke) goes to America looking for a job in taxation. He has to take a written exam for the position. So he takes it and waits anxiously for the results.
The results show that he has done amazingly well, but has not earned the position. However, he is told by a few sources that his grading was exactly the same as that of the man who got the job. So he enters the Director's office, claiming prejudice.
Irishman: What is this? This is blatant discrimination, that's what! I'll sue you for everything you've got, you prejudiced bastard!
Employer: Well, in that case, I'll be able to present a pretty solid case.
Irishman: Oh, and how is that?
Employer: Well, both of you received the same grading. You both got the same question wrong. His response was "I do not understand this question".
Irishman: What in the name of frig does that have to do with anything?!!
Employer: Well, your response to the same question was "neither do I".
2006-08-06 05:58:30 · answer #2 · answered by Keyring 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stupid questions with the smart answers - or is it the other way round?
Country Driver: We're getting close to the city.
Passanger: How can you tell?
Country Driver: We're running over more people.
Randy: I can be sick for nothing becuase my father's a doctor.
Sandy: That's nothing. I can be good for nothing because my father's a minister.
Ann: I'm saving up my money to buy one of those small Japanese radios.
Nan: How are you going to understand what they're saying?
The elevator to sucess runs so seldom, it's best to take the stairs.
Husband(to Policeman): Officer, my wife has been throwing things at me ever since we've been married.
Policeman: Then why didn't you complain before?
Husband: This is the first time she's hit me.
Some people thrist after fame, some people thrist after fortune, some people thrist after knowledge. But there's one thing everyone thrist after - salted peanuts.
2006-08-06 01:06:21 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I heard about a town in Kentucky that built a 5 story replica of the Statue of LIberty but carrying a cross not a book. The guy writing the story said if the town was attacked by a 5 story vampire, the town was covered.
2006-08-06 01:03:05 · answer #4 · answered by redunicorn 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is the best.
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth both make it into have on the same day at the same time. It was a little late in the day and St. Peter only had one spot left open. So St. Peter said, "Ladies, you need to tell me why I should let you into heaven."
Dolly, with a big smile on her face took her breast out and said, "Look at these. They are two of God's most beautiful creations. He will want to see them for eternity. That is why you should let me into heaven."
The Queen had nothing to say. She pulled a bottle of Perrier out her purse, shook it up, dropped her skirt and douched herself with it. St. Peter told her, "Go right in Queen Elizabeth."
Dolly Parton couldn't beleive it and stuttered, "Wa, wa, wa, why did you let her into heaven after she did that disgusting thing!"
"Dolly, didn't you ever play poker? Don't you know that a royal flush always beats a pair?"
2006-08-06 01:05:24 · answer #5 · answered by Dennis Fargo 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The following is a true story.
There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.
Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"
2006-08-06 12:01:19 · answer #6 · answered by [live.laugh.love] 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...
10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...
10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-****."
5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
3. You're counting down the days until menopause.
2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
1. OTHER WOMEN
TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY...
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a ********.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
2006-08-06 01:03:14 · answer #7 · answered by A 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Voted best joke in Australia
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks: "Are they twins?"
The woman says: "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"
2006-08-06 01:16:29 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
What does a dog do when a monkey slaps it?
2006-08-06 01:04:27 · answer #9 · answered by Jerry S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know why black people are so tall?
---- Because they're "knee-grows", get it...
2006-08-06 01:08:29 · answer #10 · answered by flameboy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋