2006-08-05 15:24:13 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
-- Jay Leno
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
A rich couple get into a fight over the wife spending too much money. He says, "Baby, if you would just get off your *** once in a while and learn to cook and clean, we could get rid of the live in maid"! She says, "Oh yeah! well if you would just learn how to ****! we could get rid of the chauffeur"!!!
One evening at a bar a group of men were watching the news.
The news had on a story about a man threatening to jump off a
high ledge. The first man says that he bets 100 dollars that the
guy jumps, the second says that he bets 100 that he doesn't.
The man jumps and the second man pays the first and leaves.
The first man chases after him because he felt bad. The news
was recapping the story that happened an hour ago and he
already knew beforehand that he jumped. He catches up with
the second guy and tells him this. The second guy replies," I
know but I didn't think that guy would be dumb enough to jump
again!"
High Tech Bodies
Three women, one Greman, one Japanese, and a Hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The Greman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
"That was my pager," she said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang.
The Japanese women lifted her palm to her ear and talked quietly.
When she was finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech.
Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The Hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
ok this blond walks into a best buy and theres a sign that says no blonds so she colors her hair black because theres 90% off some of the new stuff there.........she walks in and asks how much is this tv? the man at the desk say ur a blond so plz lev now.......so she gose colors her hair brown and gose asks a different person and she says how much is this tv? and that person knows that she was a blone too and asked her to lev once more............she thinks to herself and she thought that thy remembered wat she looked like so she colors her hair red and makes herself look like a rocker but comes bake the next day and asks someone different how much is that tv overthere and he says ur a blond plz lev as he walks her out she stops and asks him how do u know im a blond? and he says thats not a tv its a microwave.............
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!"
Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the store.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"
A blonde who is speeding is pulled over by a blonde police officer. The police officer asks the woman, can I see your driver's license? The woman responds, "What is that?" The police officer says, "It's small and has your picture on it." The woman looks in her purse, finds her compact, opens it, and then hands it to the police officer and says, "Does this work?" The police officer opens it, looks, and then says, "I'm sorry, if I had known you were a police officer, I would not have pulled you over in the first place."
>A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
> salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
>
> The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of
> pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde
> seems to have a hard time choosing.
>
> Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman
> then asks what size curtains she needs.
>
> The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."
>
> "Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very
> small - what room are they for?"
>
> The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they
> are for her computer monitor.
>
> The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not
> need curtains!"
>
> The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"
2006-08-05 15:41:00 · answer #1 · answered by ♥♪♫[K]ath² [BUTT '14 ツ]♫♪♥™ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There once was a Rastaman whose given name was "Onestone", so named because
He had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone!
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If
Anyone calls me onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning,
Onestone..."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made
Love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
Named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to
Her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?
'OH, 'Come on'...take a guess!
Think about it ..
'
And the moral is ..
'
''...You can't kill two birds with one stone.
2006-08-05 23:08:58 · answer #2 · answered by Renee A 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
A little boy teases the little girl next door, because he had a football and she didn't. So the little girl goes to her mother and ask for one. Her mother being the feminist that she is buys her one.
The next day the little girl shows the little boy her football. The little boy says "Big deal", and shows off his bike. The little girl asks her mother for a bike.
The next day the little girl shows the little boy her new bike. Now the little boy is furious and pulls down his pants and point a his genitals. And saids "You can't have one because only boys can have one." The little girl goes home crying to her mother.
The next day the little girl pulls down her pants and says "My mommy says I can have as many of THOSES as want as long as I have THIS."
2006-08-05 22:38:41 · answer #3 · answered by foxmoon 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
theres this girl and she doesnt pay attention in sunday school so shes just sleeping and the teacher asks her who created the world and the person behind her pokes her with a pin and she yells g-d omighhty!and the teacher says that right! and the teacher asks her what did eve say to adam after their latest kid and the person behind her pokes her again and she says if you stick that thing up theyre one more time ill chop it in half!
2006-08-05 22:43:18 · answer #4 · answered by gggg 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
A man was standing outside an amusement park waiting on a bus, He had an siezure 10 people jumped him they thought he was a new ride!!!!!! Sorry if I offended anyone...
2006-08-09 13:39:40 · answer #5 · answered by GreenEYED Beauty 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Ok A little boy's teacher tells him to go home and study his spelling words. When he gets home he decides that he needs spelling words to study, so he goes and askes his sister. Well his sister replyed "SHUT UP I'm on the phone" so he writes it down. then he goes and askes his little brother. He replys "dunnunnunna Batman" because he was whatching tv and the little boy writes it down. Then he askes his older brother who was going on a date and says "lets go sweet cheeks" so he writes it down. Then he askes his dad who was whatching a game show who said "duh, 100" so he writes it down. He walkes into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner and was yelling "MY BISCUTS ARE BURNING" so the boy wrote it down. Then he walkes into his room and the guy on the tv says "1 more time man!" so he writes it down.
Then on his way to school the little boy hears the trash man saying "Trash nothin but trash" so he wrote it down.
When the boy arrives at school his teacher askes him what his words were so he replies
Boy:Shut Up I'm On The Phone!
Teacher:Just who do you think I am?
Boy:Dunnunnunna Bat man!
Teacher:Do You Want To Go To The Principals Office?
Boy:Let's Go Sweet Cheeks
So she took him down to the principals office.
Principal:So how many spankings do you want?
Boy:Duh! 100! MY BISCUTS ARE BURNING MY BISCUTS ARE BURNING! 1 more time man.
Principal:Just what do you think I am?
Boy:Trash nothin but trash!
That boy was grounded for sooooo long!LOL
2006-08-06 00:06:35 · answer #6 · answered by ♫♪♫TAY-LUR♫♪♫ 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
i have 2:
ur mama is so fat the only time she saw 90210 was on her scale
ur mama is so skinny she uses the cheerios as her hoola hoop
*sorry if theyre old
2006-08-05 22:41:52 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
A girl met a boy named Johnny Deeper when they were both 10 years old,
One day Johnny said "I'll give you a cookie if u hug me" She said "um...Okay"...so they did
Later that day he said "I'll give you a cookie if u kiss me" she said "hmm...okay"...so she did
Than 5 minutes later...he said "I'll give you a cookie if u take off your clothes and have sex with me"...she said "well.....okay"..so she did
Johnny's dad walked into the room and screamed "JOHNNY DEEPER!!" and Johnny replied "I'm trying ...i'm trying!!!"
2006-08-05 22:34:49 · answer #8 · answered by Olive 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
ok..it's probably not that funny..but i'll tell anyway
(no offense to anyone)
ok...so a blonde and a brunette are walking through the park,
the brunette says, "look a dead bird!" then the blonde looks up and says, "where?"
ha ha...get it....get it....
2006-08-05 22:34:44 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok ok....promise not to pee your pants, okay whats the difference bewteen a large pizza and and a mexican,
( a large pizza can actually feed a family)
2006-08-05 22:43:28 · answer #10 · answered by latin bean 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋