Dirty Jokes anyone?

Question

Ten points goes to the best. The dirtier the better. Make sure I'm offended. ;)

Answer 1

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was
attracted to him, and during her questions about his life,
she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he
replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I
will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the
ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge
erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the
crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an
eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and
screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."









One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."







A rich couple get into a fight over the wife spending too much money. He says, "Baby, if you would just get off your *** once in a while and learn to cook and clean, we could get rid of the live in maid"! She says, "Oh yeah! well if you would just learn how to ****! we could get rid of the chauffeur"!!!







what are ya gonna do for a face when that bamboon wants his a*s back?









There was a man who had an extraordinary problem,
that he had a very long pen-nis (say 50 cm),
and at that time since there were no plastic surgents,
he looked for some magicians.. but there were no cure for that kinda problem,and only one magician offered cure for that,
which was a frog..
the magician said "there is a magic frog near the golden fountain,
if u purpose marriage and if she answers "NO", your instrument will get shorter..."
the man goes to the golden fountain and finds the frog,
Man gets closer and says"would u marry me??"
frog stops a moment and says "NO!" #^^%Ss?é*
A miracle.. his ***** gets 10 cm shorter, man decides to ask for a 2nd time, and the frog answers "NO" #+%{])&^*
Another miracle...,man not believing his eyes, thinks "30 cms is good.but if it were 20cm, both ladies and I'd be happier" thus tries for a 3rd time.. and this time frog says " Oh,that is the problem with males.U never give up... I said NO,NO,NO!!!" +{'%&***
SHE kills the frog....







A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a
substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.

The first guy replies, "Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of
the bottle."







a little boy walks in on his mom in her room and she is naked and moaning while rubbing herself saying i need and a man i need a man

the next day she sees her again only this time with a man on top of her

he quickly runs into his room and takes all of his clothes off lays down on his bed and starts rubbing himseld saying i need a bike i need a bike







One day a little boy hears someone say bit.ches and bas.t.ards so he goes to ask his mom what that means ans she says that it is what u call ur friends

the next day he hears someone say pu.ss.ys and .di.cks he asks his mom what does that means and she says that is another name for coat hangers

the next day he heard someone say sh.it and again he asked what it meant she said shaving

the next day he heard someone say f.u.c.k and he asked what does that mean and she said stuffing

so the next day he heard his friends knocking at the door and he simply said .... hi bi.tc.hes and bas.t.ards u can hang ur coats and mittens on the pu.ss.ys and di.cks my dad is just upstairs shi.ting his face and my mom is in the kitchen f.u.c.k.ing the turkey!

Answer 2

A fashionable couple was listening to the symphony from the front row. As they listened, each became amourous and the woman's hand started to wander to the man's pants. After a few minutes of manual passion, the man rewarded her effort with a handful of goo. She looked around and tried to decide where to wipe her hand, while the orchestra played. She panicked and finally flicked her hand toward the tuba, landing in the big opening.

The tuba player had been watching and realized what was thrown at him. He whispered to the seat next to him. "I think someone just threw me a come!" He heard the whispered response: "That's because you've played like a pu$$y all night."

--------------------
OK...a better one.

A guys was suspecious of his wife cheating on him, but didn't have the money for a private detective. He decided to buy a trained parrot to watch the house and report. He went to the pet store.

At the store, he found the parrots much too expensive also, and was about to leave when the owner asked what he was looking for. He explained and lamented his financial prblem, but the owner said, " I may exactly what you need, I have a trained and talented parot, but he only has one leg". How does he stand? "He wraps his member around the pperch and props himself up"...I'll take him, said the man.

The parrot stood guard at home while the man worked. When he came home he asked the parrot what happened that day. The parrot described the day....
"Your wife came home with a man" ...Oh yeah, what happened then?
"She made him a drink"...Oh yeah, what happened then?
"They danced"...Oh yeah, what happened then?
"They necked on the couch"...Oh yeah, what happened then?

"She stood up in front of him"...Oh yeah, what happened then?

"She took off her dress"...Oh yeah, what happened then?

"She took off her bra"...Oh yeah, what happened then?

"I don't know, I got a b0ner and fell off my perch"

Answer 3

check this one..........

There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.

He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.

This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside.

"What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the lake fishing."

"Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea."

"Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like..."

"Yeah. I've thought of having anal sex with her, but you know... she has diarrhea."

"Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, that's not the only way to..."

"Yeah. She could give me a ********, but she has very sensitive gums... a common disease called piarhemia."

"Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?"

"Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!"

Answer 4

Dirty Joke: Tom played in the mud.

Clean Joke: Tom took a bath with Bubbles.

Dirty Joke: Bubbles is the girl next door.

Answer 5

there was a man with a very small dick he went to the doctor to see what could be done to make it bigger the doctor replies in your case we will have to graph an elephant trunk muscle to your dick he say yes and has it done 2 weeks later hes on a date at a restaurant his date she thought she saw something come from below the table and grab a dinner roll off the table she thought she was seeing things and dismissed it then she saw it again and yells out ok what was that he explains i didn't want to scare you away and tells her about the operation and she says wow make it do it again and he says i can only fit two dinner rolls up my butt

Answer 6

Take some pictures of pigs playing in the mud and laugh at them, so u are laughing at yourself!ha ha ha!

Answer 7

A girl met a boy named Johnny Deeper when they were both 10 years old,
One day Johnny said "I'll give you a cookie if u hug me" She said "um...Okay"...so they did
Later that day he said "I'll give you a cookie if u kiss me" she said "hmm...okay"...so she did
Than 5 minutes later...he said "I'll give you a cookie if u take off your clothes and have sex with me"...she said "well.....okay"..so she did

Johnny's dad walked into the room and screamed "JOHNNY DEEPER!!" and Johnny replied "I'm trying ...i'm trying!!!"

Answer 8

worst of the blond jokes:
Do you know how to tell when a blond has had a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Answer 9

1Q.what is the best trick item to put in your pie?
A.poo!

2Q.whats your name?
spell it.
( im guessing you spelled your name)
no! i said spell IT I-T IT!

3Q. why did joe have 2 email accounts?
i dunno.

4Q. why would you spoil a dog?
so it wont eat your leftovers!

ill get more later

Answer 10

Britney, Shania Twain, and Usher just got back from concert. They stay at the same hotel. In the elevator, they have conversation. One of them fart, Usher says: "It wasn't me." Shania says: "That don't impress me much." and Britney says: "Oops,i did it again".
The next day, they have conversation again in the elevator. One of them fart again. Usher says: "It wasn't me." Shania says: "That don't impress me much." and Britney says: "Stronger than yesterday."