The first person to make me laugh will be selected as my best answer!?

Question

Please make it funny!
I don't care if it's long or short.
-And please!
If your not going to give me joke, just don't answer my question!

Answer 1

ok...this joke is kind of mean...no offense to all those "involved"

so there's this skunk...but he doesn't know he's a skunk, so he goes around the forest asking animals what he is.

he asks the first animal, "what are you?", it says, "i'm a white rabbit." the skunk asks, "am i a white rabbit?"....rabbit says,"no, i have long ears and im all white...you don't look like me so you're not a rabbit." so skunk moves on

skunk asks the next animal, "what are you?", it says, "im a black dog." skunk asks, "am i a black dog?"...dog says, "no, im a lot bigger than you, im only black and i like to chase cats...you don't look or act like me, so you're not a dog." so skunk moves on

now skunk asks a brown chipmunk, "what are you?", it says its a chipmunk, skunk asks if he's chipmunk, chipmunk says no
skunk is getting frustrated, he says, "i know what im not, does anyone know what i AM?" chipmunk tries to help

chipmunk says..."well, you're not a rabbit, dog or chipmunk...and you're not quite black, but you're not quite white....so you must be mexican"

sorry...that was mean

Answer 2

A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich and a pint!
The bartender is astounded by this talking flightless bird and asks about his life.
The penguin goes on to explain that he is working at the building site across the road.
Weeks go by and the penguin becomes a regular lunchtime fixture at the bar.
One day a circus comes to town and who should walk into the pub, but the ringmaster.
He starts chatting to the barman and learns of the talking penguin who frequents his establishment.
Amazed at this and somewhat skeptical, the ringmaster retorts that if this is true then he would draw
in the crowds with an act such as a talking Antarctic bird. The barman says that the penguin should be in soon as it was nearly lunchtime.
So the King of the Ring sits in the corner and waits.
Sure enough in walks the penguins and orders his pint of Guinness and his tuna sandwich.
The ringmaster walks over after hearing the penguin's food request to introduce himself to the amazing bird.
"Hello there," said the Ringmaster, "I run the circus that's in town and I am always on the lookout for new talent.
Can I offer you a job?"
"Is it that big tent in the park?" said the penguin.
"Yes," replied the Ringmaster.
"The big round tent with the pole sticking out at the top and the flaps and ropes?"
"Yes, Yes my feathered friend."
"Don't be daft," said the penguin. "I'm a plasterer!" and walked back to the building site.



ANOTHER ONE:



Four surgeons were sitting around discussing whothey like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like operating onlibrarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operatingon accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating onelectricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operatingon lawyers".
The other three surgeons looked at each other indisbelief. One of them asked why
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because theyare heartless, gutless, spineless, and their a** and head are interchangeable".

Answer 3

there r 2 sisters 1 blonde 1 brunette and they just inherited the family farm and they need a bull 4 the livestock and they only have $600 so the brunette tells the blonde that she'll go buy the bull and when she buys it she'll telegraph her and tell her to come pick her and the bull up so the brunette goes out to buy the bull the guy says the bull is $599 exact no less no more so she pays 4 the bull and goes to the place 2 to telegraph her sister and she tells the guy that she has to tell her sister that she has to come out to pick her up and the bull and take her home and the guy says ok its 99 cents a word and the brunnete only has $1 so she can only say 1 word so the brunette says ok let me think and then she says telegraph her the word comfortable and the guy says how u gonna tell her to pick u up and that u got the bull so the brunette says o my sister is a blonde and she'll say it in syllables come for da bull LOL PLZ PICK ME

Answer 4

Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
-- Jay Leno




One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."






A rich couple get into a fight over the wife spending too much money. He says, "Baby, if you would just get off your *** once in a while and learn to cook and clean, we could get rid of the live in maid"! She says, "Oh yeah! well if you would just learn how to ****! we could get rid of the chauffeur"!!!





One evening at a bar a group of men were watching the news.
The news had on a story about a man threatening to jump off a
high ledge. The first man says that he bets 100 dollars that the
guy jumps, the second says that he bets 100 that he doesn't.
The man jumps and the second man pays the first and leaves.
The first man chases after him because he felt bad. The news
was recapping the story that happened an hour ago and he
already knew beforehand that he jumped. He catches up with
the second guy and tells him this. The second guy replies," I
know but I didn't think that guy would be dumb enough to jump
again!"






High Tech Bodies
Three women, one Greman, one Japanese, and a Hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The Greman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.

"That was my pager," she said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang.
The Japanese women lifted her palm to her ear and talked quietly.
When she was finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech.
Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The Hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."






ok this blond walks into a best buy and theres a sign that says no blonds so she colors her hair black because theres 90% off some of the new stuff there.........she walks in and asks how much is this tv? the man at the desk say ur a blond so plz lev now.......so she gose colors her hair brown and gose asks a different person and she says how much is this tv? and that person knows that she was a blone too and asked her to lev once more............she thinks to herself and she thought that thy remembered wat she looked like so she colors her hair red and makes herself look like a rocker but comes bake the next day and asks someone different how much is that tv overthere and he says ur a blond plz lev as he walks her out she stops and asks him how do u know im a blond? and he says thats not a tv its a microwave.............





The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Answer 5

New Study

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with
insufficient brain and limited sexual activity read
their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Answer 6

This guy that was dressed up as George Washington was ahead of me in line at the liquor store today. When the clerk asked for his ID, he handed the lady a quarter.

Answer 7

This joke is a little dirty but okay.

Why did Snow White get kick out of Disneyland?

'Cause she sat on Pinocchio's face and said " Lie Pinocchio, lie".

Answer 8

ok ajoke-a horse came into tue local estalish ment last niht ordered "a beer " which the bartender pulled for him "so" said the bartender"why the long face...?

Answer 9

A guy and a girl walks into a bar...

"ouch..."

"ouch, you stupid f#ck, why didn't you tell me there was a bar in the way"

"you're the stupid f#ck, you should have seen me walk into it, and moved out of the way yourself!!!!"

Answer 10

Q:Why did Tiger look in the toilet?
A:To find Pooh! (Winnie the Pooh)

Answer 11

Roses are red,violets are blue,
If skunks had a college,they'd call it PU