How do I forgive?

Question

My best friend and I had a falling out, a year and a half ago. I am still angry. My doctor asked me if I could forgive her (that was back in October). I said I'd try, but I tried, and I have had a REALLY hard time forgiving her. We don't talk at all anymore, and probably won't ever again. It's hard to let go. Any ideas?

Answer 1

Hi

I had to forgive someone that almost destroyed my life. I was married to a very physically and emotionally abusive man. Who was also a severe alcholic. I came out of the relationship with chronic depression, anxiety and post tramatic stress disorder but alive. Which is more than I can say for the man he got into a fight with while drunk and stabbed 9 times and if that wasn't enought went to the mans house and raped his wife at knife point. Needless to say he went to prison for life. Even though I knew he was in prison I still didn't feel safe and continued to have severe nightmare about him trying to kill me and the children. (thats how he kept me in the relationship, he continually treatened to kill our kids and knowing first hand what he was capable of I knew he would hurt them if I left) Well after 2 attempts at suicide, and living in constant fear. My counclor asked me if I had ever forgiven him for what he had done to me. My immediate answer was no and I never will. The more I thought about the prospect of forgiving him the better I started to feel. So one day after no seeing him for 17 years, I made arrangements to go to the prison and see him. I was really scared but I went and sat face to face with him nothing between us but a table. I told him how I felt about what he had done to me and how it had effected my life and that I was no longer going to let the fear of him control me. I looked at him for the first time in 17 years and realized he wasn't the monster in my head he was just an old man who was going to spend the rest of his life in prison ( deservedly so) and I actually felt sorry for him. I told him that I was there for one reason to forgive him for all the things he had done to me and everyone around him. I sat and watched him cry and the fear was gone, I knew at that point that I was on my way to recovering I got up from the table turned my back on the person who had devistated me and walked away from it for good. I would go home and hug and kiss my son and daughter and he would sit in a cell with no one. forgiveness in a powerful thing and when we think of forgiving someone who's done something to hurt us we think we're letting them off the hook when actually we'er letting ourself off the hook so that we can forget and go on to be better, happier and healthier people. I hope this helps you I understand how you feel but do it for yourself. You never have to see her again, I know I have no desire to ever see my ex-husband again, but I will always remember the day my life began again.

Answer 2

Wow no answers so far, what does that tell ya? Forgiveness has got to be one of the hardest things to do. I guess it is something that still troubles you or you would not be asking. I am guessing this person did something to hurt you. You say it was your best friend, which means you may feel betrayed by someone who was very important to you. Is it causing you trust issues in your current relationships? I have no magic answer for forgiveness, but I will offer some of my experience, I have had a few people really hurt me and I was able to let go of it because I knew they were effed up and did not know any better. One person however, my sister really hurt me and I have tried to forgive her and never been able to. She helped to break up my marriage with the love of my life after our child died. I guess it is because she is my sister that I can not forgive her. Maybe because she was your "best" friend the hurt goes very deep. I hope what ever happened it was not as bad as what my sister did, maybe you can look at why what was done was done. My sis is just a real mean person, I bet your friend is not, but made a big mistake? If it is really bothering you look at why it happened, what hurt, and how it is affecting your life now. I don't know if this helped at all, it's hard without more details. Good luck.

Answer 3

Try putting the thing in perspecitive. What caused the falling out? In the entire scheme of things, was it worth losing a close friendship? If you can't forgive, are you going to be able to heal, move on and achieve mental health? If you can't forgive, how can you expect others to forgive you for things you may have done or will do in the future?

The truth of the matter is that we all make mistakes and hurt others without really meaning to. All of us have needed forgiveness at one time or another. Where would we be if there was no forgiveness?

Answer 4

Something that occurred over 25 years in the past practically ruined my lifestyles. Every time I inspiration approximately it, the hatred back. Even even though the individual in charge in no way requested for my forgiveness, I finally did. Someone else worried did ask and through that point I had permit pass of the animosity. There are a few matters which occur in lifestyles which is able to in no way be forgiven or forgotten. I am pleased I selected not to permit it destroy what years I have left.

Answer 5

There's obviously something that is still unresolved between the two of you. You need to have a sit-down and talk about what's going on.... good and bad.

Don't be afraid of hurting her, be honest about your feelings. Lies hurt more than anything.

A true friend will understand and, although you may both have a rough time for a while, it is better to get things out there and talk about your problem, than to pretend it went away.

Holding it in will only cause further pain.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Maybe you need to do something else other than let it go. Deal with it, vent it, write her a letter wishing that she gets cancer in her eyes, scream at her.

Also ask yourself if you really want to forgive her. If you don't then don't. No one else knows precisely what's going on in your head. Sure, we've all been there, but that doesn't mean that what works for some people works for others.

Answer 7

I think that maybe you need to speak to her and tell her what she did wrong to you and how deeply this has affected you and your life. My son died at birth and one counselor told me to put that pain and hurt into a box in the back of my mind when I want to think about it that's ok but to put it back into that box and remind myself that it is there if I need it. I don't think I could stand the thought that this situation had no bearing on her no afterthought the way that it has had on you.. Just tell yourself this is not worth consuming my life for one more minute! She took all that she is taking from me!