Gah! I need more jokes.?

Question

PLZ JOKEZZZ!!!!

Answer 1

Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
-- Jay Leno




One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."






A rich couple get into a fight over the wife spending too much money. He says, "Baby, if you would just get off your *** once in a while and learn to cook and clean, we could get rid of the live in maid"! She says, "Oh yeah! well if you would just learn how to ****! we could get rid of the chauffeur"!!!





One evening at a bar a group of men were watching the news.
The news had on a story about a man threatening to jump off a
high ledge. The first man says that he bets 100 dollars that the
guy jumps, the second says that he bets 100 that he doesn't.
The man jumps and the second man pays the first and leaves.
The first man chases after him because he felt bad. The news
was recapping the story that happened an hour ago and he
already knew beforehand that he jumped. He catches up with
the second guy and tells him this. The second guy replies," I
know but I didn't think that guy would be dumb enough to jump
again!"






High Tech Bodies
Three women, one Greman, one Japanese, and a Hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The Greman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.

"That was my pager," she said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang.
The Japanese women lifted her palm to her ear and talked quietly.
When she was finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech.
Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The Hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."






ok this blond walks into a best buy and theres a sign that says no blonds so she colors her hair black because theres 90% off some of the new stuff there.........she walks in and asks how much is this tv? the man at the desk say ur a blond so plz lev now.......so she gose colors her hair brown and gose asks a different person and she says how much is this tv? and that person knows that she was a blone too and asked her to lev once more............she thinks to herself and she thought that thy remembered wat she looked like so she colors her hair red and makes herself look like a rocker but comes bake the next day and asks someone different how much is that tv overthere and he says ur a blond plz lev as he walks her out she stops and asks him how do u know im a blond? and he says thats not a tv its a microwave.............





The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"




A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!"
Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"






A blonde who is speeding is pulled over by a blonde police officer. The police officer asks the woman, can I see your driver's license? The woman responds, "What is that?" The police officer says, "It's small and has your picture on it." The woman looks in her purse, finds her compact, opens it, and then hands it to the police officer and says, "Does this work?" The police officer opens it, looks, and then says, "I'm sorry, if I had known you were a police officer, I would not have pulled you over in the first place."






a little boy walks in on his mom in her room and she is naked and moaning while rubbing herself saying i need and a man i need a man

the next day she sees her again only this time with a man on top of her

he quickly runs into his room and takes all of his clothes off lays down on his bed and starts rubbing himseld saying i need a bike i need a bike



A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said, "For best results, put on two coats".






A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
> salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
>
> The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of
> pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde
> seems to have a hard time choosing.
>
> Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman
> then asks what size curtains she needs.
>
> The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."
>
> "Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very
> small - what room are they for?"
>
> The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they
> are for her computer monitor.
>
> The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not
> need curtains!"
>
> The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"






This woman loved baked beans,problem is they made her fart,I mean massive big,smelly farts. She then met a sweet guy, married him and she stopped eating baked beans. Two years gone,on her birthday,she was walking home and saw a cafe adveritsing beans on toast,she could not resist,thought what the heck and it's her birthday, it's been 2 years, so went in and ate the beans til she was well stuffed. She walked home very slowly and farted as she walked along hoping it will be done with by the time she got home. On arrival, her husband told her he had a surprise for her,but she would need to be blinfolded first. He led her into a chair in the dining room. the phone started ringing,he told her not to remove the blindfold until he finished anwering the phone. While she was waiting she felt a huge pressure and let off huge puffs of wind, then several more followed,she used her skirt to fan the air after every fart, so there she was,listening to the voice in the lobby and boffing and poofing away with her skirt waving and the stink was real bad. She heard her man coming back and smiled as he tod her she could now remove the blindfold,she did and there around the table were seated six people all watching her.





Bloopers in the church
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.






A man is getting elderly and his children put him in a nursing home. While he is there, a bright, cheerful nurse constantly goes around to see if any of the residents needs help with anything.

When she noticed that he was beginning to lean way over to one side, she walked over, straightened him up and said, "It's only nine in the morning! Nap time isn't till this afternoon!"

Again, before lunchtime, she noticed that he was beginning to lean way over; on the other side this time. She straightened him up again, and wondered if he was taking some kind of medication that affected his balance.

After the third time she had to straighten him up, she went to check his chart to see if he was taking any medication that might make him feel drowsy.

The next day, the man's family came to visit and see how he liked it there so far. While he was talking to his children, he began to lean way over to one side, and the cheerful efficient nurse walked up to him and lifted him, straightening him in his seat so he could sit up properly. "He does that all the time," she reassured his children before she went to continue her rounds. "It isn't harmful."

"Get me out of here," the man begged his children. "I can't stand the pressure any more!"

"Pressure...?" his children asked. "Dad, what are you talking about...?"

"That nurse... she won't let me fart!"

Answer 2

OK, so this kindergarten teacher is trying to explain the definition of the word "definitely" and asks the class to use it in a sentence.
Misty raises her hand and says that grass is difinitely green. The teacher replies "Well sometimes when its real dry it turns kinda brown, so that's not totaly true." Ricky raises his hand and says that the sky is definitely blue. The teacher says " Well actually sometimes it looks kinda grey so that not totaly true. Jonny raises his hand and asks "Do farts have lumps?" Well no, the teacher replies but I dont think thats something you should be asking at school. "Then I "DEFINITELY" just s h i t my pants."

Answer 3

Cheezy name jokes:

What do you call 2 guys standing next to a window?
Kurt and Rod

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?
Bob

What do you call a guy laying on your porch?
Matt

What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette

What do you call a guy underneath a car?
Jack

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
ilene

Answer 4

YOUR MOMMA'S SO FAT:
...she thinks a balanced meal is a ham in each hand!
...she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world!
...when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th!
...shes on both sides of the family!
...shes got her own area code!

Answer 5

A guy was waiting for the birth of his first child, into the waiting room came the nurse with a baby as black as charcoal, is this your child she asks, he said " could be my wife burns every flippin' thing "

Answer 6

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, "Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window."

Answer 7

totaly cruel but.........
A lady gives birth on april fools day. The doctor says "It's a boy" and throws the baby into the wall. The woman cries out "Why did you do that to my baby?!?!?!" Doctor says,"APRIL FOOLS!
He was already dead."
sorry if i made anybody cry.

Answer 8

Britney, Shania Twain, and Usher just got back from concert. They stay at the same hotel. In the elevator, they have conversation. One of them fart, Usher says: "It wasn't me." Shania says: "That don't impress me much." and Britney says: "Oops,i did it again".
The next day, they have conversation again in the elevator. One of them fart again. Usher says: "It wasn't me." Shania says: "That don't impress me much." and Britney says: "Stronger than yesterday."

Answer 9

yo mama so clumsy she stepped on walmart, stumbled over kmart and landed right on target.

Answer 10

what is worse than finding 10 dead babies in a bin?

finding a dead baby in 10 bins

Sorry if that is to disgusting, but it makes people laugh, nervously

Answer 11

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?



Cuz they taste funny.