Tell me your funniest joke?

Question

First joke that makes me lol will get 10 points

Answer 1

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is
watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Answer 2

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she
proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

Answer 3

OK, so a blonde and a brunette are sitting around watching the six o'clock news and there's a story on about a man who's on the ledge of a building, threatening to jump to his death. The brunette says to the blonde "I'll bet you 50 bucks that he jumps." The blonde says "OK, your on." And sure enough, the guy jumps. The blonde sighs and reaches for her purse when the brunette stops her. "No, wait." she says "I cant take your money, I have a confession to make. I watched the news at 5 o'clock." The blonde replies "No here, take it, a deals a deal, and besides, I saw him jump at 5 o'clock too but I never thought he'd do it again."

Answer 4

okay i stole this joke from someone but it funny so i will tell it any way a guy gets home late his wife says where have u been he said i got a tattoo she asked what kind he said i got a 100 dollar bill on my penis she said why he said #1 id like to c my money grow 2 because 2 id like to play with my money 3 because insted of u going out spending all our money u can blow 100 bucks any time u want

Answer 5

69

Answer 6

their a guy from far away he ask a lady where he could buy some thing she did not under stand him so she told him to go learn three words and she would give i prize so hago to nasa and haere takeoff,then he go to a zoo and he hars zerbra,then he hear baby he go back to the lady takeoff zrebra baby.lol!!!!

Answer 7

a little boy and his dad were taking a walk in the park when they saw 2 dogs doing it, the little boy asked his dad what they were doing, the dad replied, they are making puppies, later that night the boy walks in on his parents having sex and he says flip mommy over daddy i want a puppy

Answer 8

a guy walks into a restaurant and a chinese waiter serves him. he orders a coke. when he gets it and drinks it he gags. "AWWW WHAT IS THIS?!?!" and the waiter says "I chinese i play joke i go pee pee in your coke!'' so the guy leaves. then a cowboy comes in. he orders a coke. he tries it. "Awww gross!" he says
then the waiter says "heehee! I chinese! I play joke! i go pee pee in your coke! then the cowboy says... oh yeah? well im a cowboy i'm so fast.. ill shoot a bullet up your a$$!

Answer 9

Ur moma so fat that her shadow just weights 200 kg

Answer 10

A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a
little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds
to draw
three trees.
What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
>>The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this
Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but
represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you
go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree
and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd,
which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
------------------------------...
The Good Napkins

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions."

Now fast forward a few months .... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
------------------------------...
Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
------------------------------...
Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.




St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"