Step-son problems!?

Question

I know that my stepson has some issues, we have him in counceling and I am really trying to be patient with him but after being smartmouthed for the uptenth time the other day I blew up. I layed down the law with him and let him know that I would not tolorate the way he talked to me. He had something to say every time I paused. I told him I was tired of being "mom" when he wanted something and being just his dads wife when he was in trouble or being told to do something. He made it very clear that he only had one parent in this house: his dad. I said fine. A little later I was mom again when he wanted something. I told my husband about this argrument and he had a talk with my stepson and told him he was to appologize to me. He never did. I am tired of him playing both sides of the coin. I am feeling used. One day I am "mom" and the next I am the wicked step mother. Any advice from other step moms?

My stepson is about to turn 12 and has only lived with us for 2 months.

Answer 1

be wicked for a while and see how he likes it. don't do shyt for him ...if wants to be smartmouthed give him a reason then.

Answer 2

I am a mother, and i had a stepfather growing up, I love my stepfather very much as my own father. You need to sit down with your husband and talk to him about everything. Then you both should sit down with your stepson and tell him how things are going to be, you both need not to give into him. It sounds like you are the one that gives him whatever he wants for the most part. So you'll have to learn how not to do that. Its not just the stepson its all of you and the way you both decide to punish him. You may be the stepmother but you still have a right in your own house. You need to both make this very clear to your (step)son. So how old is he? that makes a differences

Answer 3

I am a step mom of 2 boys, ages 11 and 10. They moved in with my husband and I when they were 6 and 5. We went through a similar situation. We sat down with the boys and my husband told them that I was just as much their parent as he and their bio mom was and that they were to listen to me and do what I told them to do. He also told them that I had the authority to discipline them. That helped a lot because it let them know that Dad and I were on the same level and would back each other up. You and your husband might want to give that a try. Oh and making kids apologize never works. If they actually do, they don't mean it at the time because they're too angry. Basically you just have to put your foot down and don't back down ever!

Answer 4

You don't say how old he is, but you need to change yourself as you can't change him. So, don't be MOM when he wants you to be mom, just ignore him. Tell him until he respects you as a HUMAN BEING and just treating you with common courtesy than the MOM ride is over for now. Teen boys have a lot of testosterone and are very angry and moody like PMS. When he's in a good mood is the times to talk to him about how you feel, not when both of you are angry. Every time he is rude there needs to be some type of consequence also, esp from his dad, he needs to support you. THe other thing is to try to do things together to build a relationship with him, go skiing, etc. something he likes to do.

Answer 5

My step kids became mine when they were 6, 5, and 4. They are now in their 20's. You didn't mention who has custody of him and how long you have been together. We never had custody but was allowed liberal visitation with the older two. The third, different mom, didn't come to visit until she was 12. It was harder to bond with her. We had the whole you are interferring with my daddy time. It was a struggle. It took a little effort letting her know I was not trying to be her mother. I was just trying to be like a mother to her. It worked for the boys right away because they lived with their grandparents. They had to accept their parents were not getting back together and I was there to stay. When I gave birth, I found my love for them was the same as my love for my blood. We separated 7 years ago but I am still here for them if they need me. Give him time. It does get better. IF you are one of those rare exceptions, they do eventually grow up and move out. If you can't make the parental connection, try at least to make a distant relative they need to respect connection.

Answer 6

He sounds just like my step-son and you are fighting a loosing battle. I have found that the easiest way to deal with any of my step children is with their dad present. Mine would act like perfect little angels when dad was around and as soon as he would walk out the door all he** broke loose. You aren't my mother, why did my dad marry you, I don't have to listen to you this is my dads house all of it. At first I would argue with them and that only mad it worse. When they wanted food or clean clothes then I was fine but if I told them to take their junk to their room I was the evil witch. I finally sat mine down while their dad was home and told them in front of him what was what and I was not going to be their maid and they werne't gong to do as they pleased. I had told my hubby before and he would talk to the kids however he always played it down as he didn't want to be the bad guy. Doint this way hubby sawe how fed up I was and how disrespectful his kids really were. We all got everything off our chest and it helped some. I also found that it always got worse when the kids mom would call so now she is only allowed to call at the times their dad is at home. I also have three kids of my own and the behavoir of the step kids was affecting mine as well. I know this is long but the key thing here to remember is don't argue with a kid it only makes you feel worse and make dad face the fact that his kids aren't perfect he needs to set down the rules and discipline and make you apart of it as well. He has to tell the kids that you are also to be respected and listened to and what you say is to be done just the same as what he says. Good luck.

Answer 7

well I am not a step mom...but I do know it would hurt my feelings as well IF that was my step son doing this...I have children also and I know that my kids do the same things and they are my biological kids...one day I am their best friend and the next day they are storming out the room yelling I HATE YOU....yes it hurts...but that is children and specially teens! Some parents can cope with raising them and some find it hard and an emotional rollercoaster...it's normal to feel this way step kid or not...you love them, you want whats best for them...it will always hurt when they lash out against you. When he says things that hurt you, you just have to swallow it down and tell them that what ever he is going through will pass and that you and his dad are both parents...you may not be his biological MOTHER...but you are the responsible guardian for him and tell him that you are sorry he feels this way, but I LOVE you and always will...and whenever you decide you are done being mad at me you know where you can find me...always leave the door open and never tell him you are tired of being "mom" I know it must be hard and overwhelming but we are the adults and we are the ones setting examples...I get tired all the time as a parent and tired of parenting at times...but I can't ever let my children know that...I don't want them to ever think I am tired of them or wishing I didn't have them...because that is the farthest thing from my mind...but children will do not understand how much stress we are under...they don't understand what we do for them and how much we do for them...he will understand one day...and or may when he is an adult...but I would always let him know that he was loved and wanted...and that children and teens make mistakes...it's part of life. we are there to help them along until they are adults...
I know as a child, I was VERY rebellious and I know I gave my parents a VERY hard time...all the way up until I was 18...I so regret the way I acted and behaved...I so thought I was mistreated unfairly, I thought my parents were so mean and never wanted me to have FUN...but I am married now at 30 and I see how much they loved me and see what I put them through...I have told them so many times how sorry I am...they laugh now...and even though I was a pain...they always disciplined me and said they loved me and always will...but I was going to do and behave as I was told as long as I lived under their roof....yes..at 18 I SO thought I was an adult and moved my butt out...I have been married ever since and thank God I didn't make bigger mistakes...boy moving out REALLY opened my eyes and didn’t give me any choice but to grow up....some teens have to learn how to mature on their own....and as long as you tell them how much you love them and continue to be there for them....they will thank you later...counseling may be an option for you as well...they could help you and give you advice on dealing with step children and what they go through...and maybe how to cope with the stress or depression you may have dealing with all the stress.....

Answer 8

I know how you feel. In my case it isn't a stepchild, but my own daughter who is just as hateful. Since she's 27 and she's now married and living her own life, I have pretty much decided to disown her and live my own life. As a matter of fact, I have pretty much given up on my entire blood family for the same reason.

Unfortunately, the issue isn't as simple for you, and I am sorry about that. Where is his mother? If he's not of age, send him packing to his mother. If he is of age, kick him out of the house and give your husband an ultimatum. Sure, it might cost you your husband, but in the end, you don't need to be around people who treat you this poorly, no matter who they are.

Surround yourself with people who know how to treat others the way they want to be treated, and discard those who don't.

Answer 9

Honey I am not a step mother...but I do have friends with step children. My suggestion to you and your husband is to be firm and let him know that neither of you will tolerate his behavior. Let your step son know that you are there for him...put yourself in this situation: If this was your birth son doing this to you, what would you do? Don't treat your stepson any differently just because he wasn't born to you. Best of luck to you and your family.

Answer 10

I'm not a step mom, but I have step parents. To me, it seems like you'll need to get your husband 100% on your side and not let him waver on it (some dad's tend to waver when their kids are involved) If you're expected to have parental responsiblities then you should get the same respect, at least in regards to being obeyed while in your home. You'll definitely need your husband's full support.

Answer 11

I am not a step-mom, but a step child.

you did right by establishing that boundry for yourself.
even if he doesnt aplogize, at least you and your husband have told him that it was unacceptable
counceling is a good step, if he is willing to participate.

be patient. his actions are affected by his age, how long his parents have been divorced, and how long you guys have been married.
hopefully, he will realize you are not the bad guy.

hang in there, and don't give up. show him that you aren't going anywhere.