does anybody have any gud long jokes, 10 points up for grabs!!!!!??

Answer 1

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. OOPS.

Don't forget the 7th kid of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!

i dont think i deserve any points coz i just copied this, but thought it was funny.

Answer 2

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring BEER

Answer 3

This woman loved baked beans,problem is they made her fart,I mean massive big,smelly farts. She then met a sweet guy, married him and she stopped eating baked beans. Two years gone,on her birthday,she was walking home and saw a cafe adveritsing beans on toast,she could not resist,thought what the heck and it's her birthday, it's been 2 years, so went in and ate the beans til she was well stuffed. She walked home very slowly and farted as she walked along hoping it will be done with by the time she got home. On arrival, her husband told her he had a surprise for her,but she would need to be blinfolded first. He led her into a chair in the dining room. the phone started ringing,he told her not to remove the blindfold until he finished anwering the phone. While she was waiting she felt a huge pressure and let off huge puffs of wind, then several more followed,she used her skirt to fan the air after every fart, so there she was,listening to the voice in the lobby and boffing and poofing away with her skirt waving and the stink was real bad. She heard her man coming back and smiled as he tod her she could now remove the blindfold,she did and there around the table were seated six people all watching her.

Answer 4

Bloopers in the church
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Answer 5

This is more of a prank that a neighbour pulled rather than a joke but it is very funny and no one was hurt during this prank, here it goes.

A neighbour of mine Dave was due to to go on a world tour with some friends,and he decided to play this prank on another neighbour,so Dave took this neighbours favourite garden gnome from his garden without him knowing, and while away on the world tour, Dave took a photo of the Gnome against world land marks like the statue of liberty or Sidney opera house,and then wrote a letter back to the gnomes owner along with the photo as if the Gnome had written it personally.

Answer 6

SardarG went 2 bank 4 account opening.He took 1 form and went to Delhi 4 filling up the form
Do U No Y?

Bcoz in the form He saw " write in capital

Sardar could not stop laughing when he saw a truck being dragged by another.I asked why?
Sardar says foolish drivers using two trucks to carry a Rope.

Sardar selected a short girl to marry............why? coz guruji told him musibath jithni choti ho utna acha.......(the shorter the love is the better)

A sardar saw a man pick pocketing a purse.Thief: There is Rs 150 in the purse.We can take 50_50.
Sardar slowley asked him,"what abt the balance 50"



Before taking capsules sardarji cuts both ends of the capsules y? Ans: 2 avoid side effects.

Twins were born in sardargis house,allnight he did not sleep thinking who is the father of the second child!!!!



Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?" "Just a sec,"
comes an answer. "Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up!

sardarji was writing something very slowly friend asked "y r u writing so slowly?"
sardarji replied "i am writing 2 my 6 year old son he cant read very fast"

On a romantic day sardarji`s galfrnd asked him "darling on our engagment will u give me a ring"
. sardarji "yea sure give ur tel no"

At last Sardar is frustrated in jokes made on him. He goes to wife and says,
tell me one joke in which i am not involved! she said

"I AM PREGNANT...!!

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so do i get the points???

Answer 7

A man has to give urine samples to his doctor, the doctor tells him. "You must not eat before the urine sample".
This man couldn't resist a bacon sarnie and so he ate one thinking he could fool the doctor.
The doctor checks the urine sample and says:
"Mr smith you had a bacon sarnie didn't you?"
The man looks all guilty and admits it.
"Listen" says the doctor,
"One more chance tomorrow bring me a urine sample"
The man agrees and goes home, the next day on his way he couldn't resist the pork pies in the shop window and eats one.
He arrives at the doctors and the doctor inspects the urine.
"Mr Smith, you've eaten a pork pie haven't you?"
Again the man confesses, gobsmacked that he couldn't fool the doctor.
"Listen for the last time Mr Smith bring a urine sample and please do not eat anything" says the doctor.
The next day the man couldn't resist a kebab.
" How can I fool the doctor?"
All of a sudden he gets a brainwave, he tells his daughter to pee in the container and then adds some oil from his car engine.
"This will fool him all content, he arrives at the doctors and hands over the urine sample.
The doctor inspects it for a few minutes and says.....

"Mr Smith, your daughter is pregnant and you car engine is knackered!"

Answer 8

It's not that long but I heard it today and thought it was quite funny. Here goes.

You are on your driving test. You are in a sports car. You have a train to your right going the same speed as you are. You have a lorry to your left going the same speed. You have a tractor in front of you going the same speed. You have another lorry behind you going the same speed as you. How do you get out of it?

























You're drunk, get off the merry-go-round!

Answer 9

A blond walks into a store and says, I like to buy this TV. The clerk says, I can sell you that TV because you are a blond. The Blond goes home, puts on a brown wig, and goes back to the store. She says, I'd like to buy this TV. The Clerk once again says, I can't sell you that TV because you are a blond. The blond, now frustrated goes to a hair salon and gets her hair dyed brown, and returned to the store. She says, I'd like to buy this TV. The clerk says, I can't sell you that TV because you are a blond. The blond replies, annoyed, How can you tell i'm a blond!? The clerk answers, that's not a TV, it's a Microwave. :-P

Answer 10

Super mans flying along and sees wounder woman lying naked on her back on a hill. He thinks mmmm, ill have me some'a that! So he flys down to wounder woman and gives her a right seeing too! Super man then flys off to save some cat from a tree or something. Anyways, wonder woman jumps up and says "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??" The invisable man then says "I dont know but my f***king ars is killing!!"