Can I have the best joke you've ever heard?

Question

It can be dirty, clean, or WHATEVER, just give a joke, not a stupid comment.

Answer 1

Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
-- Jay Leno




One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."






A rich couple get into a fight over the wife spending too much money. He says, "Baby, if you would just get off your *** once in a while and learn to cook and clean, we could get rid of the live in maid"! She says, "Oh yeah! well if you would just learn how to ****! we could get rid of the chauffeur"!!!





One evening at a bar a group of men were watching the news.
The news had on a story about a man threatening to jump off a
high ledge. The first man says that he bets 100 dollars that the
guy jumps, the second says that he bets 100 that he doesn't.
The man jumps and the second man pays the first and leaves.
The first man chases after him because he felt bad. The news
was recapping the story that happened an hour ago and he
already knew beforehand that he jumped. He catches up with
the second guy and tells him this. The second guy replies," I
know but I didn't think that guy would be dumb enough to jump
again!"






High Tech Bodies
Three women, one Greman, one Japanese, and a Hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The Greman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.

"That was my pager," she said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang.
The Japanese women lifted her palm to her ear and talked quietly.
When she was finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech.
Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The Hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."






ok this blond walks into a best buy and theres a sign that says no blonds so she colors her hair black because theres 90% off some of the new stuff there.........she walks in and asks how much is this tv? the man at the desk say ur a blond so plz lev now.......so she gose colors her hair brown and gose asks a different person and she says how much is this tv? and that person knows that she was a blone too and asked her to lev once more............she thinks to herself and she thought that thy remembered wat she looked like so she colors her hair red and makes herself look like a rocker but comes bake the next day and asks someone different how much is that tv overthere and he says ur a blond plz lev as he walks her out she stops and asks him how do u know im a blond? and he says thats not a tv its a microwave.............





The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"




A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!"
Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"






A blonde who is speeding is pulled over by a blonde police officer. The police officer asks the woman, can I see your driver's license? The woman responds, "What is that?" The police officer says, "It's small and has your picture on it." The woman looks in her purse, finds her compact, opens it, and then hands it to the police officer and says, "Does this work?" The police officer opens it, looks, and then says, "I'm sorry, if I had known you were a police officer, I would not have pulled you over in the first place."






a little boy walks in on his mom in her room and she is naked and moaning while rubbing herself saying i need and a man i need a man

the next day she sees her again only this time with a man on top of her

he quickly runs into his room and takes all of his clothes off lays down on his bed and starts rubbing himseld saying i need a bike i need a bike



A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said, "For best results, put on two coats".






A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
> salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
>
> The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of
> pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde
> seems to have a hard time choosing.
>
> Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman
> then asks what size curtains she needs.
>
> The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."
>
> "Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very
> small - what room are they for?"
>
> The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they
> are for her computer monitor.
>
> The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not
> need curtains!"
>
> The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"

Answer 2

It's the spring of 1961, and Bobby goes to pick up his date. When he gets to the door, the girl's father invites him in. "Carrie's no rady yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. Carrie's father then asks Bobby wht they plan to do. "Probably just go to the soday shop or a movie." Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it. Carrie really likes to screw-- she'd do it all night if we let her." Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plans for the evening begin to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts Carrie out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams "Dammit, Daddy! It's called the twist!"

Answer 3

The paper boy wanted to get paid so Mom went to the cookie jar to get the $12.00 to pay him. When she got there, the money was gone! She had to pay out of her pocket. She asked her son if he knew what happened to the money.

He said he took the $12.00 to pay for a bl*w j*b. Mom was furious and sent him to his room to wait for Dad to get home to decide the punishment.

Dad gets home and Mom tells him the story, but neither one of them knew what a bl*w j*b was (they led a sheltered life). They decided to call Mom's sister since she had been around and would most likely know. Dad calls his sister-in-law and says, "What's a bl*w j*b?" Sister-in-law says, "Usually it's $15.00, but for family, I'll do it for $12.00."

Another variant of this story goes:

A priest is walking home late one night and a "lady" steps out of the shadows and offers the priest a bl*w j*b for $20. He politely declined her offer and walked on. A few blocks later, the same thing happened. Another "lady" steps up to him and asks if he would like a bl*w j*b for only $20. Again, he declines and walks on. By this time, he was curious about what a bl*w j*b was (he, too, had led a shetered life). He decides to ask the Mother Superior back at the convent.

He knocks on her door, she opens. He asks, "Mother, what's a bl*w j*b?"

She replies, "$20, same as downtown."

Answer 4

Okay, here it is.

Retirement community. Old man and old woman have their first date. Movie or something.

She invites him back to her place.

They sit on the couch. Start making out. Getting hot and heavy.

He gets her shirt off. She says, "whoa..."

"Before we go any further, I have to warn you - I have acute angina."

The old man looks shocked for a second. Then, he smiles and says, "I sure hope so, because those boobs are AWFUL!"

HA HA HA HA HA!!!! :)

I win! I win, right??

Answer 5

A blonde keeps strolling down hercontinual to her mail container. She keeps doing this till her neighbor asks her why she is doing that. The blonde replies "My computing gadget keeps telling me that i've got have been given mail". ----------------------------------------... An eighty year previous couple have been having issues remembering issues, so as that they desperate to bypass to their wellness care provider to get looked at to verify not something grew to become into incorrect with them. while they arrived on the docs, they defined to the wellness care provider related to the subject concerns they have been having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the wellness care provider informed them that they have been bodily ok yet could desire to start writing issues down and make notes to help them undergo in techniques issues. The couple thanked the wellness care provider and left. Later that night on the same time as staring at television, the guy have been given up from his chair and his spouse asked, "the place are you going?" He spoke back, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He spoke back, "specific." She then asked him, "do not you think of you could desire to write it down so which you will undergo in techniques it?" He reported, "No, i will undergo in techniques that." She then reported, "nicely i could additionally like some strawberries on genuine. You had extra useful write that down because of fact i understand you will forget that." He reported, "i will undergo in techniques that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She spoke back, "nicely I additionally could like whipped cream on genuine. i understand you will forget that so which you extra useful write it down." With inflammation in his voice, he reported, "i don't could desire to write down that down! i will undergo in techniques that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After approximately 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and surpassed her a plate of Francis Bacon and eggs. She stared on the plate for a 2d and reported angrily: "I informed you to write down it down! You forgot my toast!" ----------------------------------------... The affected person says, "provide me the undesirable information first!" wellness care provider replies, "you have have been given AIDS." "Oh, no! What must be worse than that?" asks the affected person. "you have even have been given Alzheimer's ailment." looking relieved the affected person says, "Oh...nicely, it is not so undesirable. a minimum of i don't have AIDS."