Should I force my son to apologize?

Question

There's this kid who is kind of a bully to my sons (and others) and my kids don't really like him much. However, our families have mutual friends, we have kids in the same grades and we do like the parents so we run into them a lot. The problem is that this kid (age 6) picks on mine (ages 9 & 6) until he makes them mad enough they fight back (sometimes. Sometimes they just try to get away from him).

Well yesterday my 9yr old & him were swimming at my neighbors (I was not there, didn't know the bully was). My son started playfully splashing the other boy and after a sec, didn't say stop, just started swinging at him. My neighbor is the one who called us to fill in the details. She says the other kid did not make contact while swinging, my son says he hit his eye, over his goggles. I tend to believe him. Well, my son got mad, swung back and gave the boy a bloody lip. He doesn't feel bad. Should I force him to apologize? We talked about not hitting but what else can we do?

By, the way, my neighbor said, "it's time for you to go home now" and she told us she knows how this other boy can be but also asked us that he not come over unless we are with him. We have been friends with this neighbor for a long time, so that hurts. But I'm thinking about just not letting him go over. The real question is, should we force him to apologize if he is not sorry? We talked about empathy also but he was still mad.

dezmodnar asked a good question, why did he react violently? We are really careful about what we let our kids watch on TV and they have time limits on PS2, TV & computer. But they are strictly supervised. Honestly, the "excuse" I have for him is it was the 1st day after feeling ok enough to swim from recovering from pink eye (yuck). But he had gone through his treatment and I thought he was well enough to swim, I guess not well enough to keep his temper under control. He gets cranky when he's tierd and/or sick.

The pool owner, our neighbor, is not the boy's mom. She just witnessed what happened and told us. I think I have all the facts.

Answer 1

yes, you should force him to apologize. he must become conscious of the fact that hitting someone, no matter of the reason, is a bad thing. even though the other boy hit him, your son should understand that he is responsible for his own actions.

a teacher

Answer 2

I would teach my child that he is bigger and stronger than a child 3 years younger than him and should be smarter as well. My 10 year old knows that if a 7 year old starts a fight with her, she should walk away if at all possible and tell an adult. I would never condone her hitting a younger child (really, not any child) unless the other child were striking her repeatedly and fighting back was the only way to get out of the situation.

Edit: Your neighbor asked you not to let your child come back unless your with him, and you still think the other kid is the bully? I don't know. But about the apology, if he doesn't want to apologize because he isn't sorry, then take him with you while YOU apologize for him. It let's the other family know that at least you are sorry for what happened (if you truly are, not just to save relations) without teaching your son to lie. Find a way to punish hime (if that is what you are trying to do) that doesn't involve him telling a lie.

Answer 3

NO do not force an apology, when he is OLDER will he have to apologize for all BULLIES that bother him?
He is learning some lessons in life, try to help him by telling him what he does is a reaction to what a little boys does, he needs to control it.
LIKE if a teenager came up to you and bugged you would you get mad and hit him?
OR walk away?
The little brat that bugs your kids got what he was asking for!
You might try keeping them separated for a while, and tell parents you are dealing with it YOUR WAY, but an antagonist does not need to be apologized to!
And no matter what do not force an apology, it has to come from the heart, not fear. Sometimes it might take a cooling down period for someone to feel sorry for what they did, but in this case the bloody lip was provoked!
Always believe your kids.
I think TIME out away from the BULLY will be good to prevent more fights for a while.
That kids sounds like he has issues.
IF you think you need to teach your son, some lesson then take away something and tell him it is not because he hit the kid it is because the KID is younger than him...A 9 year old needs to start to learn self-control.
We do not solve things with HITTING, without getting in trouble with the law.
You should also talk to the parent of the brat, just tell them he provoked anger from your son, and he reacted wrong but you are dealing with it your way.
Also that your son does not feel he should apologize to their kid.
But you are teaching him to react in a better way.
Also add that you hope they will teach their kid to stop bulling others, it is for his own good that he learns to act properly in society! THIS might make his parents feelings get hurt.
Some parents don't like to be told their kids have problems.
IF the BULLY apologizes maybe your son should too!
IF not then let it go as far as the apology goes, but still discipline him in some way and explain way.

Answer 4

First, parents who don't believe that their "little angel's" didn't hit the other kid when the parent wasn't there are in for a real run-around. That kid of yours will be buffaloing you for the next 9 years if you don't learn that he can behave badly, especially to a kid who pushes his buttons. I think you may be dealing with another set of parents who feel the same way about their "little angel" so you're in Dilemma-ville.

You could call the Dr. Phil show on this or you could sit down with the parents of this child and be realistic. Let them know that you don't want your 9 year old hitting the 6 year old but the kid taunts him and gets him started. Perhaps including the children on the conversation (in limited amounts) would help teach them how to manage conflict.

If what you say is true, it sounds like the other kid has some anger problems and could benefit from some anger management (as well as the parents who might be teaching this behavior).

Perhaps your kids should learn more ways to deal with a button pusher and taunter. There are bound to be many, many more of them in their futures and if they are feeling like "victims" now, they won't be getting better at this without learning better skills.

Should your kid apologize? Not until you have addressed all the issues in the behavior problems first.

Good luck

Peace.

Answer 5

Yes he should apologize, and only because he's better then this. If he doesn't apologize, he is no better then the bully. My kid brother gets picked on, pretty much all the boys at school pick on him and don't even want him to come back.

Another thing that should happen is, a thrid party person she be brought in. It needs to be brought to the parents attention of the other boy that he has problems. The boy is six year old, and needs help, before he starts doing worse things. There was this boy in my sister class, who at six got kicked out. And wasn't allowed to come back until the kids were in junior high. Well after time he got kicked out again and wasn't allowed to ever come back. If this boy continues on this path and doesn't get help, the same thing will happen to him.

Answer 6

Considerations.
Is this the first fight your son has been involved in? What about the other Kid? Was the swinging a pure miss, an intimidation or a pompous act?
If shouting can be avoided, you and the other family should have a neutral ground where your children should express themselves.
Teach your child the values of harmony and the importance of standing his ground and freedoms. If a discussion is declined by the other party, do not apologize.
Usually a child who overcomes a persistent and dreaded bully has a great sense of relief ( which may be what your child is expressing) unless he is a bully himself.

Answer 7

If any child that does a violent act, he or she should apologize..it teaches the child to be the bigger person even if the other child started it. From what I read you called the other child a "Bully" several times when she mentioned you did not know the other chuild was going to be swimming at the neightbors, you as an adult is showing negative attitude towards a 6 year old...be an adult and speak to the parents of the other child.
Don;t point fingers until EVERYTHING is on the table and both parties are there.

Answer 8

I think you, the other kids parents and all of your boys should get together to discuss proper behavior. Taht way no one is directly to blame. Let the kids talk about what is the problem exactly, without bad or accusatory words. And all the parents should stay firm in the "no hitting" policy. Even if your son did get hit in the eye by the boy, how do you know it wasn't an accident or in self defense due to the splashing. The truth is, your son did hit the boy on purpose. So yes, he should apologize--but out of his own accord. Tell him he was wrong, and he chose to hit, when perhaps the other kid didnt mean to hit his eye. It is his responsibility to tell an adult if someone starts trouble-not up to his fist.

Answer 9

Maybe your son could apologize to the pool owner for being involved in the incident, stating that he was out of line (for being part of the scene as a guest at their home). Leave it at that, since he isn't sorry for hitting the bully, he will still look good in the pool owners eyes and perhaps be invited back. To me that is where the apology should be placed.

Answer 10

I don't know if forcing him will help. Knowing my little brother, saying sorry is not one he likes doing when he's hurt and stubborn. Give it a few days when things have cooled down and talk to him about it. What he did back was equally as wrong for which he has to apologise only for. Not because the bully was right.

Make him realise how what he's doing is wrong and to find ways to deal with kids who bully him.

The other kid needs to do the same with his parents especially if he is the bully. Talk to the other parents diplomatically about the situation. There is more than one option in a fight, show them how to be assertive, not violent.

Most fights are because of silly little things and they will grow out of it as you guide them as they grow older.

If worse comes to worse, cut of contact between the kids.

Answer 11

This is a tough one. But your son is 3 yrs older than the other boy and he started with the splashing. I don't approve of the hitting either, no matter who started it. Your son should have gotten away, but if he let his temper get the better of him, yes, he should apologize to the boy and be made to understand, by you, why it is wrong to hit, especially if the other one is much younger.

By the way, if it was your 6 yr old, I would have answered differently but still would have suggested hitting is wrong no matter who starts it.