Tell a long and dirty joke - 10pts. for the best!?

Answer 1

Try this one......hoping my 10pts.....

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about “courting” from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
“ ’Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he’s not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin’ all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt.

“About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick — a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared — her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she’s ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

“Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were dripping out.

“Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn’t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats — they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis’s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.”

Answer 2

Tom and Susan are happily lived together for 20 years every time they made love, Tom was insisted they do it with the light off. Susan thinks it’s all to do with his not wanting to be seen naked. But today, on their anniversary, she decides to try to rid him of his embarrassment - she really believes that she can cure him of his habit. That night, while they’re having a great shtup, Susan suddenly turns on the bedside lamp and sees Tom with a vibrator in his hand - a soft pen*s shaped one, but much larger than the real thing. She is shocked and very angry. You impotent xxxx, she screams at him, how could you have lied to me all these years? You’d better explain or you won’t see me again. Tom looks at her and calmly says, OK. I'll explain the vibrator ….you explain our children.

Answer 3

This is a gross one:

Two bums were walking down some railroad tracks in the middle of nowhere, miles and miles from the nearest civilization. They had been walking for days, and they were starting to get hungry. Suddenly, one of them stops walking and say, "Alright! Look! A dead squirrel! Let's eat it!". To which the other replied "Are you crazy, we can't build a fire to cook with. I'm not eating raw dead squirrel!" "Suit yourself", said the first one and he grabbed the squirrel and started eating as fast as he could.
A few hours later the bum that ate the squirrel started feeling sick and threw up on the ground. "Ah", said the second bum, "Thanks, that's what I wanted, a good hot meal!"

Answer 4

A woman's husband has died. After a few months, she decides she wants a new one. She submits a classified ad as follows:

"Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria:

1 - You can't beat me (as my first husband did).
2 - You can't run around on me (as my first husband did).
3 - You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't)."

A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man without any arms and or legs is sitting in a wheel chair.

"Can I help you?" she says.
"I'm here about your ad in the paper."

"Which ad is that?"
"The one looking for a husband."

She says, "Uhm, well, there were certain criteria..."
"Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms."

"Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria."
"And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... I have no legs."

"Well, yes, that's true... but there was one other thing that is very important..."
"Ah, yes, well... how do you think I rang the door bell?"

Ha Ha Ha

Answer 5

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Answer 6

a tall willowy blond with long flowing locks, a low cut top and a skirt that showed the world, walks into the local bar. the locals are watching the cubs lose again while she surveys the scene. she finds the man she wants and saunters up to him. she leans her elbows on the bar next to him heaving her chest, flicks her hair to the side and says in best sultry drawl, "for one hundred dollars i will do anything you want, but you have to be able to say it in three words." the man looks her over, lights up a cigarette and smokes it all the way down. he takes out his wallet and pulls out 5 crisp clean $20 bill, places them on the bar and slides them toward the vixen. she says playfully,"what'l it be." he replies,"paint my house"

Answer 7

so this guy is coming from the bar and he's toasted (drunk) so suddenly he has to use the restroom he has to take a dump so he stops at the next gas station and asks to use the restroom the clerk gave him the key so he is using the rest room and he finally gets done and notices that there is no toliet paper then he read the sign on the wall that stated (wipe you butt with your middle finger and your point finger then stick them in the hole and they will be washed clean) so he did it and then he stuck his fingers in the hole and on the other side of the hole was a woman with a brick and she hit his finger with the brick he then took his fingers out of the hole and stuck them in his mouth because they hurted so in other words he ate his doo doo ha ha ha ha ha

Answer 8

the 1st guy who tallked about the pitsburg steelers got that from the show on mtv "yo mamma" so find one that you have never heard and is original to most people no offense 1 st guy but you dont deserve 10 pts.

Answer 9

A father in a church was maintaining a c**k and a hen as pets. One day, the c**k went missing.

Father announced during mass:
Has any one got C**k? All men stood up.

Sorry, any one seen C**k? All women stood up.

Sorry, You are mistaken. Has any one seen my c**k? All nuns stood up.

Answer 10

Three gay men are sitting at a restaurant and it just happens that all of their boyfriends have just died.

The first man says " I'm going to spread my boyfriends ashes on the ocean because he liked to go there."

The second man says "I'm going to spread my boyfriends ashes in the woods because he liked to go there."

The third man says "Well, I was undecided, but after listening to you guys I've decided to spread my boyfriends ashes over a nice bowl of chili so I can feel him rip through my *** one more time."

Please, no one take offence...my husbands been telling this one for years and I've never told it to anyone before!