if you make me laugh i'll give u ten points!!?

Answer 1

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 2

blond jokes:

a blond goes to an electronic shop and says: I would like to buy that TV.
The salesman goes: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.
The next day the blind comes back as a redhead. She says: I would like to buy that TV.
The salesman goes: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.
The next day the blond comes back as a brunette. She says: I would like to buy that TV.
The salesman goes: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.
The blond gets angry and asks: I came here as a Redhead, I came here as a Brunette. But how do you know I'm a blond???
The salesman goes: Because that's not a TV, It's a microwave!


Two blonds drive to the movies together in the convertible.
After the movie they come out and realise that they locked the car keys into the car.
They both think for a while, and then one blind starts to try unlocking the dorr with a coathanger.
After a long time without success, the other blond is still standing there. But now, she's looking up at the sky in a worried way, and says:
"Come on, hurry up, it's gonna rain and we left the roof down!"


ok once there was a magical mirror and if you lied in front of it youd disappear from existance... so there was a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette went up to it and said,"I think that blondes are nice".... poof she disappeared. So the redhead went up to it and said,"I'm a virgin" poof she dissappeared. The blonde went up to it and said,"I Think" poof she was gone.

A blond was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT." After thinking for a minute, she said to herself, "oh well!" and turned around and drove home.


Three blondes walked into a bar. The bartender asked the first what she wanted. She replied "I'll have a bl." He thought a moment and then asked her "What's a bl?" She replied, "Well, duh, a bl is a Bud Lite." He turned to the second one and asked what she wanted. She replied "Make mine a ml." He thought ok, if a bl is Bud Lite, then ml could be Michelob or something, and said, "OK, what's a ml?" She replied, "Well, duh, it's a Miller Lite." He then turned to the third one and asked what she wanted. She replied "I'll have a 15." He said, "Ok, bl is Bud Lite, and ml is Miller Lite, but I have never heard of a 15. What is it?" She said, "Well, duh, it's a 7-7."



Sorry im not against blonds and i dont think they're stupid i just think the jokes are funny!
Hope they made u laugh!

Answer 3

I see that Munchie is posting the old come-on "i'll give u ten points", to get people to post jokes for her to use later on.

You see this all the time at Yahoo Jokes&Riddles.

I'd be willing to wager that maybe 10% of the "Questions" posted with that wording, are actually selected by the asker.

If you get the ten points it will be from the other people or yourself voting.

Answer 4

A woman sitting at a roadhouse in Top Springs, NT, suddenly
began to cough while eating a giant outback steak.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real
distress and two Jackaroos at the next table turned to look at her. "Can ya swalla?", asked one Jackaroo.
The woman signalled "No", desperately shaking her head.
"Can ya breathe?", asked the other.
The woman, beginning to turn blue, shook her head "No".
With that, the first Jackaroo raced over to her, lifted up the
back of her skirt, yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the
obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
The Jackaroo walked back over to his mate and proudly took another drink of his VB. His mate said in admiration,
"Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I
ain't never seen nobody do it before".

:)

Permasmirks. Describes people who think they are the bomb and have that ever present smirk on their face.

And I saw that one here the other night, made me giggle. :)

Answer 5

A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, can I take the dog for a walk?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Fluffy
for a walk? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to
come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Fluffy over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's
backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Fluffy on the leash and only go once around the estate."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Fluffy?
(YOU'RE GONNA' LOVE THIS!!!!!!!)
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway around the estate, so another dog is pushing her home."
does this make you laugh hope so as my hand hurts now lol.

Answer 6

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Answer 7

Hello my name is Mike Rotch

and im gonna make myself look stupid too entertain you

now i only know so many jokes so here goes my first one and its a gay joke

say a straight couple and a gay couple got a camping grounds who gets there first and why was the other one late?

READ AHEAD TO SEE ANSWER!!!!!!



Straight couple gets there first and the gay couple is still at home packing Sh!t

btw my real name is Jason... and if you say Mike Rotch really fast you might just laugh... u can do the same saying Mike Hunt...... unless your not open minded

Answer 8

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked "They're mating," her father replied "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment.........then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay sh!t in our garden."

Answer 9

There once was a man from Adair
Seducing his maid on the stair
The banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And he finished her off in midair.

There once was a man from Boston
Who bought himself a little Austen
There was room for his ***
d plenty of gas
But his balls fell out and he lost'em

There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
As the summer grew torrid
The odor was horrid
But think of the money he saved!

There once was a man from Madras
Whose balls were made out of brass
He clanged them together
And played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ***





A man from Sault St Marie
said spelling is all greek to me
until they spell Sault without any U
or an A or an L or a T
















The limerick is furtive and mean
You must keep her in close quarantine
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.


Linda Blair with great favour confessed,
She'd been exorcised, thus finding rest,
But alack and alas
Her old demon came back
and now the poor girl's repossessed.


The was an old man of the isles
Who suffered severely from pisles
He couldn’t sit down
Without a deep frown
So he had to row standing for misles



There once was a sculptor named Phideous
Whose sculptures by most were thought hideous
He carved Aphrodite
Without even a nightie
Which shocked all the fussy fastidious


'Tis a favourite project of mine,
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3,
For it's simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9


There was a young girl from Rabat,
who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat.



There Once was a Man called Reg
Who Went with a Girl in a Hedge
Along came his wife
With a big Carving Knife
And cut off his meat and two veg



There once was a young hooker from Crue,
She filled her vagina with glue,
She said with a grin,
If they paid to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!







The cabin boy
The cabin boy
The dirty little nipper.
He lined his *** with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper!










There once was a man from Nantucket,
who kept all of his cash in a bucket.
His daughter named Nan
ran away with a man.
As for the bucket, Nan took it!

There once was a man from Calcutta
who spoke with a terrible stutter
at breakfast he said
"I'll have b-b-b-bread
and b-b-b-b-b-b-butter."

There once was a sailor from Brighton
who said to a hooker "you're a tight one"
she said "bless my soul
you are in the wrong hole!
There is plenty of room in the right one!"

There once was a man from Nantucket
whose dick was so long, he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
as he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a **** I could fuckit"


There once was a technician named Lil.
That took a chance on a Nuclear Pill.
They found her vagina,
in South Carolina,
and her boobs in a tree in Brazil!


There was a young fellow named perkin
Who was always jerkin his gherkin
His father said perkin
Stop jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin



There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a gal by the sea
She said: "Stop yer plumbing!
There's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing: "It's me!"



There was a young man from Gwent
Whose knob was so long that it bent
So to save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of coming-he went!



There was once a little mouse called Keith,
Who circumsised men with his teeth,
He didn't do it for leisure,
or sexual pleasure,
He did it for the cheese underneath!



there once was this person named kim
was kim a her or a him?
i couldnt decide
so i asked for a reply
and found out HIS name was jim


There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies came only from God.
T'wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie.
T'was Roger the Lodger by god!

There once was a man named Dan
He once ate beans from a can
His colon swelled
his wife said oh well
and what rhymes with dan and can?

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a **** I would **** it!"




old mother hubberd
went to the cupboard
to fetch poor rover a bone
when she bent over
rover got over
and gave her a bone of his own




there once was a made-up limerick,
how it goes......... ill think of in a tick,
there's a bit o' this
and a bit o' that
and........an ending that is very slick.









There was a young man from Peru,
who fell asleep in his canoe,
while dreaming of Venus,
he played with his penis
and woke up covered in goo

there was a young man from Spleen
who invented a wanking machine
on the 99th stroke
the ******* thing broke
and whiped his balls to cream

to the girl named Louise
Who's pubic hair hung to her knees
the crabs came together,
and knitted a sweater
so in Winter her **** would not freeze!

once was a man named Bob
He loved to show off his nob
He flashed it at Dave
And rubbed it on Jay
Who sucked it like corn on the cob


There was a girl name of Starkey
Who had an affair with a darky
The result of her sins
Was triplets not twins
One black, one white, and one khaki

There was a policeman down at the junction
Who's penis had long ceased to function
for the rest of his life
he satisfied his wife
With the dexterous use of his trunction

There was a girl name of Dodd
who thought all babies came from God
but it wasn't god all-mighty who lifted her nighty
It was Rodger the lodger the sod












There was a young lady from Ealing
Who had a percullia feeling
She laid down on her back
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling!

Answer 10

man walks into a bar... he says "ouch"

grasshopper walks into a bar, barman says did u know there is a drink named after you and the grasshopper says what? henry

knock knock
whos there
boo
boo who
its only a joke no need to cry

lol if u dont laugh at those coz they are so stupid there is someting wrong with you