Know any good jokes?

Answer 1

Best joke ever -
Ok, there are these three turtles, and they decide to go for a picnic. One of them - Ralph - says 'I know this fantastic spot a couple of kms away, let's go there'
But the other turtles go, 'Ralph, we're turtles, it'll take us all day to get there!'
But Ralph insists it's beautiful, so they pack some sandwiches and bottles of sprite and head off. Sure enough, it takes them all day to get there, and they're starving and thirsty. But when they open their picnic basket, they see they've forgotten their bottle opener!
'You'll have to go back and get it Ralph, we need to drink and only you know the way'
Ralph goes 'I'm not going, you guys will eat my sandwiches.'
'No we won;t, we promise!'
'...well...ok, so long as you don't eat my sandwiches'
And Ralph sets off. Well the others wait all night, and all the next day, and there's still no sign of ralph. They've eaten their own sandwiches and they're starving. So they wait one more day, decide something must have happened to him, and that they'll die if they don't eat his food. They unwrap his sandwiches and Ralph jumps up from behind a rock and shouts 'I KNEW you'd eat my sandwiches, I'm NOT GOING!'

Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha geddit?? v v funny i think.

Answer 2

A guy walks into this bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a Budweiser." So the bartender gets him a Bud. The man is enjoying his beer when he notices two beautiful blondes at the end of the bar. The man noticing that his beer is empty says, "Hey bartender, another Bud, and get those ladies at the end of the bar a drink on me." The bartender gives the man his Bud, and says "Don't bother getting those girls a drink, it won't do you any good. You're just waisting your time." The man says, "Naaa. Give em one on me." So the bartender pours the girls a drink and gives em to the blondes. The girls out of respect raise their glasses, in a sort of thank you, and take a drink. The man now figures he's in. So he walks over to the girls. He notices that the girls are empty again. So the man yells, "Hey bartender, how about another round over here?" The two girls look up at him and one says, "It won't do you any good. You're just waisting your time." Well the man puzzled, says, "The bartender said the same thing. What the hell does that mean I'm just waisting my time??" The other blonde says, "Well we're lesbians, we love to eat *****!!" The man now has a huge smile on his face and yells to the bartender, "Hey bartender, 3 beers for us lesbians!!!"

Answer 3

There was once a woman who worked in an office building. One day, when she went to the break room to get coffee, a guy approached her and said, "You have great-smelling hair!" Every day for the rest of the week, when the woman went for coffee, the same guy would approach her and tell her she had great-smelling hair. After a week of this, she decided that she couldn't take anymore and went to the personnel department to file a sexual harassment complaint. When the woman went to file the complaint, the personnel director asked her, "How is it sexual harassment if he just tells you your hair smells good?" The woman then explained, "It's Bob the midget!"

Answer 4

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, Son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class; and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that, and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room, and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, Son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep sh*t."

Answer 5

a blonde and a bruennete plan to rob a bank so they go over the plan again and again then they pulled up to the bank and the bruennete says do you remember the plan the blonde says yes
so the blonde walks in and after a whileshe comes out lugging the safebehind on a rope and a nightgaurd with his pants around his ankles the blonde jumps in the car and ties the rope and they drive off the and the bruennete says you idiot i told u to blow the safe and tie-up the gaurd

Answer 6

Hear about the blond who completed a jigsaw puzzle in just seven months?..she was so pleased with herself because on box it said 3 to 5 years.

Answer 7

yes thank you
in fact i know somebrilliant ones
i am leaving an answer for a joke

Answer 8

actual newspaper headline:

GIRL GIVES BIRTH TO CHIMP IN TRAGIC SPERMBANK MIXUP!


And now for the joke.

Customer: "Waiter, what is your thumb doing on my steak?"
Waiter: "Keeping it from falling on the floor again, sir."


Truth is stranger than fiction, eh?

Answer 9

Q. What do u do with 365 used condoms??
A. Make a tire and call it a "GOOD YEAR"

Answer 10

What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder.