Can someone help me, please?

Question

I think my parents have been talking about getting a divorce. I never thought that they would split up, but it is because of my brother. He suffered a head injury, and my mother baby's him, and my father thinks he should get out of the house and get a job. He isn't disabled, and he is perfectly capable of holding a job, he is just lazy. My parents fight about him all the time, and they have had enough of eachother. Can someone talk to me if any similar thing has happened to you? Thanks.

He isn't a kid. He is 25 years old. He is the only reason that my parents really fight, and every time my brother acts up, my dad yells at my mother, and then it starts up all over again.

Answer 1

First off, I don't think you should blame the situation on yer brother. He might be a cause, not a reason - your parents won't split up over him, they'll split up over not sharing an opinion over him. I know how weak that sounds, but believe me. My own parents divorced when I was 19, and I couldn't blame anyone at all - not even them. I just had to be there for everyone involved, and they for me. That's how it goes, nothing is black or white. So don't blame your brother, please. A split between siblings, believe it or not, is something that could shadow you for the rest of both you lives, while a split between your parents is something you could live with, come a year or two. This isn't degrading what hurt you may feel, a parental split rates right up there with the worst things that could happen to anyone. But it's a fierce, fiery kind of pain - stinging till you feel poisoned, breaking your heart till you fear you might have no heart. If it should however drive a wedge between you and your brother, that's a different ballgame. By mere statistics, you and your parents might have another twenty, thirty years of tough relationships, while you and your brother could sour eachother for a lifetime. And whatever sort of shitty c**t he is now, you and he are both young and you will change and therefore a breakup now would harm you both for decades to come. Don't go there. It's easy enough not to go there.

As I know nothing about your father and mother, the things between them, and what might or might not be driving them apart I can only give you meagre advise. First off, you need to value either as an individual, even if you think you already do, try to see them apart - as who they are, who they would be if they'd be alone on this world. You might need a few conversations with both of them, which may be painful to you and them, but dare go into that now - it's perfect timing. Secondly, when you can see both your parents as individuals, and you can see what bonds them, try for both to see as much as that too. For both to realise they're not depending on the other, on the relationship, or on their kids - then they will realise they have a good thing going nonetheless. And lastly, if they do decide to break up, and if they do surprise you with who they become and what they do, how selfish they are, .. Try to pass it off as a phase, a time when they're allowed to be less than perfect parents, and try to be willing to get reacquinted with them.

Chances are, it must be said, that you and them will fail at all of this, and a breakup might be devastating, literally destroying the world you thought you knew. If so, seek comfort in yourself, in thinking that in some way this might have been something you needed, something they needed, and it will all come good in the end. It might not even be true, but as a layman philosopher I can tell you one thing for sure: whatever changes in your life will change you eventually, but if you should lose trust, there will always be other things to grasp onto to. Nothing is ever truly lost, that much I know is true. Take heart in whatever happens, be confident you'll never shatter and it will be true. Even when it's not true, it will be.

Answer 2

When someone in your family gets hurt the parent or parents want to protect them. Maybe your mother thinks that if she keeps him close nothing else bad will happen to him. The thought of losing a child can scare the crap out of a parent. She is just being over protective. All mothers do this. But maybe there's more to your parents problems then just your brother. Yes your brother should get out there and get a job, but he might also like all the attention that he is getting from your mom. All kids can be lazy if no one gives them a push to work, The real world is not a bed of roses and some kids are in no hurry to grow up.

Answer 3

I know exactly what you're going through. I recently heard my parents talking about getting a divorce. My parents are constantly fighting and I mean constantly. My dad also gets drunk a lot. Trust me, when he gets drunk I try to avoid him. He doesn't molest me or anything but he bothers me a lot and my mom too. It seems as though they can't stand each other. Right now I have to admit I'm a little scared. My parents have been together for 14 years. What scares me the most is that if they get divorced I'm gonna be forced to choose who to live with. I've been thinking about it and I can't decide. If I choose my mom I'm gonna have several economic problems but if I choose my dad my mom won't be there to stop him when he's bothering me. I'm TOTALLY confused. I wish they would stay together for the sake of their kids. I've tried talking them out of it but whenever I say something then they get mad at ME! I AM SO CONFUSED! Right now I'm wishing that this is just a terrible nightmare that I'll wake up from! I understand how you're feeling completely. Since you seem to be in the same position that I'm in one thing I can tell you is not to interfere. Like I told you, I've tried. Trust me, it only makes things worse. This is something you have to let your parents figure out. I'm still worried because I don't know if they're going to a get a divorce or not but I know I can't get involved again. I'm just gonna have to wait and hope for the best. I wish you the best. I also hope that even if my parents get a divorce yours don't. Again, I hope things turn out for the best and I feel your pain and confusion.

Answer 4

Not to be obtuse, but do you think the source of the conflict between your parents is actually your brother? Is the argument surrounding your brother the cause of the conflict or merely a symptom? If your brother picked himself up and straightened himself out would the fighting stop? My point is that deeper problems often find expression through more mundane struggles. Especially close relationships like a marriage require a lot of upkeep, and through the years it can be really easy to tell yourself that you're taking care of your relationship by taking care of the kids/job/house/etc. We all have our excuses. It's never easy. Have you told them how you feel?

Answer 5

Wow how selfish is your brother? I think maybe you should try & calmly talk to him about the effect he is having on your parents marriage. There really isnt much you can do for your parents hey, if they want to end things, they will. My parents divorced many years ago & it was the best thing they could have done for themselves AND us kids. I feel for you cause you seem to be the one left in the dark. Have you told your parents how upsetting this is for you? Maybe if you approach them with how YOU are affected, they might stop arguing a moment & think about what you are going through.
If I were you, I'd have a chat with your brother, inform him of whats REALLY going on (he probably thinks it's great that all this attention is focused on him, whether its good or bad) & then talk to your parents about your feelings.
Good luck hey, parents can be a nightmare but you will grow from this, especially if you are the mature one who WANTS to talk it out rather than argue & demand things.

Answer 6

hi there you sound worried sick about youer mum and dadthis happens with adults they are more than likely worried sick and stressed to the max with everything going on and the only way they are coping is by reacting ...maybe youre dad sees that youre brother is being lazy and is using his mum and youre dad is so annoyed with him that hes losing the temper with youre mum as she doesnt see this .......heres an idea write a letter to both youre mum and dad and give it to them and you leave the house when youre going to visit a friend and this should waken them up a bit tell them in this letter that you are worried that they are going to split up ......tis might never happen but you should be told if they are going to do this ,im sure with youre letter to them this should start them talking it might start them argueing but dont panic the letter will make them stop and think things through ,im a parent and if my kids right me a letter and they have done its made me stop and read it and also start to talk to them about things that i DID NOT REALISE WAS UPSETTING THEM !!!!so give it a try and i hope you can get some real talking time with youre mum and dad as they do sound as if they really care about there kids they just need a bit of a shake all us adults mums and dads need it ......good luck and you take care xx

Answer 7

A mother just has that way about her if she is a good mother. But it can also go too far. If I was you, I would sit down with your parents and have a talk with them about your feelings and how it is affecting you. Your brother will not get a job as long as both of your parents don't agree with each other. Your mother needs to quit babying your brother and he needs to grow up and be a man. Don't argue with your parents. Just ask them if you could talk to them--and it be just you and your parents. Help them to see themselves what this is doing to not only to you, but to themselves. If your parents are meant to be together, they will stay together. But you have to prepare yourself for the worse also. Tell them how much you love them and want for them to work it out and maybe they might even need to get counseling for their problems. If the true love is still there, they will do whatever it takes to stay together. But don't put your whole heart and soul into them staying together. You have to look out for #1 and that is you honey. I hope and pray that everything works out for you and your family. I am not one to preach, but ask God for help because he will help you. I will be thinking about you and your family and I will say a prayer for all of you also. Hang in there!!!!

Answer 8

Well I am married and I have two children. Their dad is very "old fashioned" and wont let them live their lives without alot of guilt trips, ranting and raving about what he used to do when he was a kid and yada yada yada. They constantly fight, and I am constantly the mediator. I do love my husband and I do love my children and I feel that he is living in the older days too much for them to even enjoy life in general without alot of crap from him. They do not have any respect for him and most people do not understand his views (other family members, friends, co-workers etc.) My children are 21 and 19 and there was a time that I would have left him for the simple reason I was tired of the fighting, the constant bickering between him and the kids and myself. Our lives was total turmoil from day to day and I would have left and probably should have for the only sake of my childrens self esteem and their right to have some what of a "normal" life and for them to enjoy their childhood, and for us to breath without fear of the fighting. So.. I can see how your parents have gotten to that point. Its not for me to say what the problem is with your brother.. except both of your parents care for him but their views are not the same. Sometimes adults have their own views and even though there is no right or wrong answer.. its how they view the problem and they are belligerent about their own view and wont budge. You are stuck in the middle and my heart goes out to you. I can see both sides of their views. You mom cares and worries about him (too much) and your dad wants him to get some normalcy in his life and to become self supportive in the future. Sometimes people split up for strange reasons some simple and some not to simple. I hope the best for you.

Answer 9

The only thing I can say is that parents get divorced for all sorts of reasons....your brother may just have helped it along he's probably not the only reason. Just be glad that it wasn't because of cheating or something worse. Try asking for the whole family to go to family counseling...It may be the only shot you have. Good Luck ...

Answer 10

maybe your brother should try getting a job that's related to his interests. so at least he can work and enjoy it at the same time. you said he's perfectly capable of holding a job.. if he gets a job he likes doing he may not be so lazy.. im not sure.. i have not experienced anything like it before. i think if you really really need help you should consult a counsellor or something? all the best and pray for them.. god bless you =)