what is ur favorite joke?

Answer 1

A soldier, a sailor and an airman all die on the same day. They end up waiting for St Peter at the gate and while they are waiting they begin arguing about whose branch of the military is better. When St Peter arrives, they ask him to settle the argument, once and for all.

St Peter replies that a decision of this magnitude will have to come from the Big Man himself, so he tells them to enjoy themselves and he'll get back to them.

After some time has passed they all return to St Peter for the answer. St Peter presents them with a memo from God, which reads: Gentlemen, thank you for serving your country. All of you have provided noble and honorable service and that is the most important thing of all. Put this silly rivalry behind you.

signed, God, USMC Retired

Answer 2

A man walks into a talent agent's office, and says, "We're a family act, and we'd like you to represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too old-fashioned."

The man says, "But, this is really special."

The agent says, "Okay, well what's the act?"

He replies, "Well, my wife and I come out on stage and she begins to sing the Star Spangled Banner while I take her roughly from behind. After a minute of this, my kids come out and begin to do the same, but my daughter's singing the original To Anacreon in Heaven lyrics while my son performs anal sex on her."

The agent looks uncomfortable, but the man continues, "Just when my daughter hits the highest note in the song, my son and I switch partners. He turns my wife around and gives her a Dirty Sanchez before having her perform oral sex on him. When the song's over and we're both getting close, we all stop and lay down on the stage."

The man smiles fondly as he recalls, "This is the best part: our dog then comes out on the stage, and he's trained to lick each one of us to orgasm in turn. He just goes right down the line, looking as happy as can be! We all get up and take a bow."

He looks at the agent and says, "Well, that's the act. What do you think?"

The agent just sits in silence for a long time. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?"

"The Aristocrats!"

Answer 3

Nursery rhymes uncut
MARY HAD A LITTLE PIG,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb sod

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Answer 4

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.

He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck . If he wants intercourse, don't resist, just do what he tells you! This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very attractive, and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

(i like this joke)

Answer 5

Best joke ever -
Ok, there are these three turtles, and they decide to go for a picnic. One of them - Ralph - says 'I know this fantastic spot a couple of kms away, let's go there'
But the other turtles go, 'Ralph, we're turtles, it'll take us all day to get there!'
But Ralph insists it's beautiful, so they pack some sandwiches and bottles of sprite and head off. Sure enough, it takes them all day to get there, and they're starving and thirsty. But when they open their picnic basket, they see they've forgotten their bottle opener!
'You'll have to go back and get it Ralph, we need to drink and only you know the way'
Ralph goes 'I'm not going, you guys will eat my sandwiches.'
'No we won;t, we promise!'
'...well...ok, so long as you don't eat my sandwiches'
And Ralph sets off. Well the others wait all night, and all the next day, and there's still no sign of ralph. They've eaten their own sandwiches and they're starving. So they wait one more day, decide something must have happened to him, and that they'll die if they don't eat his food. They unwrap his sandwiches and Ralph jumps up from behind a rock and shouts 'I KNEW you'd eat my sandwiches, I'm NOT GOING!'

Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha geddit?? v v funny i think.

Answer 6

a boy when to see a doctor bcos of his strutter problem. after the doctor examine him he found out that the boy strutters bcos of his long huge penis.

so he reckons the only solution is to shorten n decrease its size. 'iiiis iit gonnna woorrk?' asked the boy. 'definitely' replied the doctor.

after the operation, the boy's problem is gone n the boy can now speak normally. the boy asked how much is he gonna pay n the doctor replied 'to perform an operation is quite expensive but in ur case it will be free of charge'.

the boy is very happy n left. the next day, he is embarrassed by the girls funning him of his small dick.

after a few days, he really can't stand it any longer so he went n see if his doctor could make his penis back to its original size.

after explaining his problem to the doctor, the doctor replied, 'nnno. i'm afraaid iii caan't doo thaat'.

Answer 7

Three guys all arive in Heaven at about the same time. St. Peter tells them that things are getting crowded so they are going to have to tell the story of how they died and the saddest one gets in. He takes the first one to the side and he explains that he was at his apartment on the balcony cooking out when he tripped and fell over the edge. He fell 2 stories and felt so lucky because he managed to grab onto another person's balcony as he fell. However, just as he starting trying to pull himself up some crazy guy came out and started banging on his hands. When he didn't let go the man went back and grabbed a hammer and smashed his fingers and he fell the rest of the way down. When he got to the bottom he was still alive! Lucky him! ...but then he looked up just in time to see a refigerator coming down on him and that's what killed him. St. Peter takes the second one who explains that he thought his wife was having an affair. He came home early in hopes of catching her in the act, but when he arrived she was in the shower. He still suspected her and decided to look around the apartment to see if a guy was there. Just then he noticed that some guy was hanging onto the balcony trying to climb back in! He knew it was his wife's lover and became enraged! ....so he ran out there and started banging on the guy's hands. When he didn't let go he went back inside and grabbed a hammer and smashed his fingers until he fell the rest of the way down! Then he looked down at the guy and saw him squirming. He couldn't believe he was still alive! In his rage he went back to the apartment and pushed the refigerator out and over the balcony onto the man below. Once he realized what he had done he was so upset that he jumped off the balcony himself and this is how he died. Finally, St. Peter takes the third man aside and asks him how he died. The man immediately spoke up and said, "Ok, picture this, you're naked in a refrigerator, right?......" :)

Answer 8

blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods.

"I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

Answer 9

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill,
They both had
A dollar and a quarter.
Jill came back
With two and a half,
Do you think
They went after water?

Answer 10

JacK and Lisa who live in a mental instituon were walking one night and Jack Jumps in the pool and. Lisa goes and rescues Jack and saved his life. The institution told Lisa that it was time to go and live alone for her heroic deed.

Later on, authories found Jack in a shower where he had hung himself with his belt. Authorities told Lisa to descibe the incident. She said, " Well, he jumped in the pool, I saved him and then I hung him up to dry. See Ya.!"