I found my adopted sister and now have problems...?

Question

I am middled aged and found a sister that was given away before I was born. I found her in March of this year. There were also two brothers which were placed up for adoption, one raised with this sister and the other one alone.
I have been searching for these sibling for many years and now the newly found sister doesn't want me to contact the brothers. She refused to give me contact information, even thought she has it on both of them. I have found the brother that was adopted with her, but not the other one. I haven't contacted him yet because she said she doesn't want me to. My heart is breaking and I feel like sending her a letter and telling her I can no longer have contact with her and going ahead and contacting my brother and continuning searching for the other one.
Is she being fair to me? I feel it is jealousy on her part and that is the reason she doesn't want me to know the brothers.
I feel so lost and so hurt.
what would you do if you were me?

To those that think I am selfish, I first contacted the adoption agency at my mothers request. My mother is the one that wanted to find the kids. Since I was a cop and also do genealogy, she asked me to help her. The kids were taken away when my mothers first husband died and she was put in a hospital for a lenghty time.
We were told by the agency that the girl and boy had left contact information and were also looking for us. However, that information was a few years old and so I began a many year search for them.
So, I'm not selfish in this and people shouldn't assume that. To be quite honest, I didn't like the idea much myself in the beginning. I thought we should have left sleeping dogs lay, but after finding out they were looking for us, I changed my mind.

Answer 1

Wow -
Okay now that has been said......

Keep up your investigation.
Your sister has issues that she has not been able to tell you about (maybe because she has not delt with them herself yet).
She has the information (does she really or is she just saying this?), but chooses not to share (does she give you a reason why not?), that is her prerogative.
It is your perogative to keep searching.
You have asked her, she has refused, now move on with your inquires.
The more you ask her for the information, the more power you give her and the more she will continue to control the situation.
You are not the kid sister begging to be taken to the movies, you are the adult sister who wants to get to know her siblings.
I would not cut off my contact with her.
You spent a long time looking for her, and she is your sister.
Go slow with your relationship, and keep it between the two of you.
Don't involve her with your relationships with your other siblings.
You have your brothers contact information, contact him.
Start to get to know him as an individual, one on one.
Someday you might be able to get everyone to come together, but if not - heck there are plenty of "intact" familes out there that can't (or rather won't) all be in the same room at the same time.

As for is she being fair - no of course not.
She might be jealous, or she might be thinking that she is protecting you from something.
Either way, that is not her job.
You have been living your life pretty good so far, and if you are a cop you probably have a pretty good idea on how to take care of yourself.
Of course you feel lost and hurt, but decide how much of your time these feelings are worth.
Take that time, then move on.
When your mind goes back to those feelings tell yourself you are past that stage and re-align your thinking to something pleasant. It is not always easy to do this, but with practice it does get easier.
Good Luck!!

Answer 2

Did it ever occur to you that going on a hunt for these people is extremely selfish and will cause them pain when you enter their lives? I have a dear friend who was adopted as a baby, and she dreads the idea that someone will try to find her. She has a fantastic life, and she doesn't want someone dropping into it.

Did she say why she doesn't think you should contact the brothers? Perhaps they asked her not to give out their information. Perhaps there are other reasons, but whatever hers are, look closely at yours. In your question, it's all about YOU. You're searching, is it fair to You, You're so lost, You're going to cut off contact with the woman whose life You invaded because she's not playing according to Your vision of how this should all be. Stop obsessing over these people you happen to be genetically related to and just have your own life and let them have theirs. They are entitled to their privacy.

Answer 3

Fair or not, Jealousy or not, i would have proceeded, but the fact remains that she doesnt want you to have contact with him for some reason. Sometimes when a sibling is found they have immense hatred towards any of the other children that were kept by the parents. I can fully understand them not wanting contact, as bad as it hurts you. What needs to happen here is some time to adjust to this whole new situation. It's not easy finding out that you have been with the parents, whereas they were just tossed to the side like garbage. It makes them feel as if they were not good enough to be kept.

Just give her some time to adjust, keep contact with her to a minnimum and let her think about it. don't haggle her to let you have that information, it could possibly push her away and you don't want that. when she feels that it's a good time, she will let you have that information. until then, just pray that things will change. maybe after she sees that you are out to do no harm and are trustworthy, she will pull through for you.

Wish you the best of luck.

Answer 4

send a letter to ur sister better yet go out to dinner wit her and let her kno ur a real person what ur parents where in no way ur fault or would u have wanted it these people are ur brothers and family there is no reason why you should't have contact wit them. i tihn wen u go out wit her u should tell her that u will be contacting them because u care and want to get to kno them ur human and its wonderful that u went through the effort to find them. Also u never kno they may be wishing to meet u as much as ur heart broken for not knowing them . . this sis is obviously very hurt but once she sees that ur a great nice caring person i dont think she can be bitter and resentful for long

Answer 5

Have you come out and asked her what the problem is? You should not (unless it is for a VERY good reason) let her dissuade you from contacting your other siblings. Don't cut off contact with her...if she wants to do that let the onus be on her. Go ahead and talk to your brother(s).

Answer 6

If your brother is looking for you also. Then you should get in touch with him also. I'm sorry but you don't need her permission. Just his. He might be able to help you find the other brother. My dad was married befor, he had 2 daughters. I was 15 yrs. old When my oldest sister got in touch with my dad. Yes I was jealous, still feel it raise it's ugly head every now & again. That was 30 years ago. We stay in touch now. I am so glad she found us.

Answer 7

Maybe your sister has some issues with them or is feeling a bit jealous. Ask her what's going on-don't get mad though, it'll only make things worse. The truth is-you're family and you've got to stick together. Don't let your sacrifice for looking for your siblings go to waste. You have as much right to talk to your brothers as she does.

Answer 8

Maybe she's being a little possessive. You know, like she doesn't want them to have another sister. This isn't her choice. I say you go ahead and contact the one you have contact info for and keep looking for the other. Maybe she'll come around. I wish you the best of luck :)

Answer 9

Grant your mother's wish. Tell your sister it is what your mom wants or wanted... It might be the she knows things about the boys that she is not telling you. She might be scared of someone new coming into the family, or she might not understand what is going on. Make it a point to tell her that you
lover her and her brothers and just want to get to know them.
Assure her that you are not trying to get anything from them.
And if your mom is still alive make sure they know you are doing this for her not yourself.

Answer 10

You need to tell her how you feel because it isn't fair to you. You're his sisters too and she needs to let you & him get to know each other. She is being selfish. If she refuses, ask the brother to give you the information. Good-Luck!