should relationships be totally equal, 50/50, no matter what?

Question

i believe in this 100% and i want my relationship to be this way. however my boyfriend of 2 years believes differently, that there are things men can do that women can't because they are "the man in the relationship". its never anything outrageous but it is the cause of many arguements because we can never see eye to eye. we never have agreed but just let it go. but im getting frustrated that its something permanent. i know there are gender roles in a relationship and am fine with that. but shouldn't they be equal? i think that if he doesn't feel comfortable with me doing something then i wont, and he shouldn't either. basically im looking for a way to get it through his head, we aren't back in the old days, we both deserve equal treatment. im 21 and he's 25, there are some years between us but not much. is this a lost cause? any suggestions? should the man ever have more say so in a relationship? just need some input. thank you

Answer 1

Oh, holy cow. Talk about a loaded question, there.

All relationships should have give and take. By that I mean that each person gives and takes in an equal amount. That doesn't mean that there are rigidly strict rules about what each person *should* do based on gender roles or any other roles.

Each relationship is different and you have to be flexible enough with them to allow them to move and change as time progresses. But if you're coming up against some dealbreakers, (such as chauvinism, or lack of give and take), then maybe it isn't the right relationship for either of you.

My husband and I have been married for over ten years. We have our own way of doing things and it sometimes goes with gender roles and sometimes it doesn't. I'm at-home with the kids so I do the majority of the cooking and cleaning. But when he was earning his undergrad and not working and I was working 60+ hours a week, HE did all the cooking and cleaning. I pay all the bills and give him a weekly allowance because he's HORRIBLE with money. But he's the one who deals with the kids when they have something broken or bloody, because...ew. (And he's a third year med student and it gives him a little extra practice.)

Essentially, it boils down to this: When he tells you that he doesn't like something, you're being respectful of his wishes by no longer doing it. When you tell him that you don't like something, he's not respecting your wishes by ceasing the behavior. Regardless of whether things should be or are 50/50, respect should ALWAYS be something shown to each other. If this is missing in your relationship, maybe it's time to re-evaluate your motives for being in this relationship.

Some people say that life is too short to be with someone you don't like. Well, I say it's too LONG to spend it with people you don't like.

Good luck. Hopefully having a good long discussion with him about the issue will help. But if not, be prepared to either accept what he gives you or chose to move on in another direction without him.

Answer 2

If you are planning on this turning into a permanent relationship then I would highly recommend writing down how your see your role in the relationship, gender role or whatever. Write down how you see his role. Have him do the same thing. Then discuss the overlaps and deficiencies. Talk about everything and WRITE IT DOWN. How do you want to handle finances, house chores, yard work, kids, education. Make sure you have the same goals and that you can respect each other and work towards the same ideals.

Sometimes a guy just wants to be the "man of the house" because it does give them a role to fulfill, and may be an important part of his male identity, just so long as he doesn't start ordering you around and treating you like a maid. It's ok if you cook dinner and he does the dishes - but no matter who does what always remember to express gratitude for each other.

By the way - it's really better if each of you commit to give 100% to the relationship, that way if some one happens to fall a little short on their half someone is still covering the middle.

Good Luck!

Answer 3

Communication! It's a two-way street! Yes it should be 50/50... 'The man in the relationship' is supposed to make sure the women in the relationship is happy and has her needs met. The women should meet the mans needs just as much as he. So yes, 50/50 all the way. If he doesn't give you what you need now, it will not change. Take it from a guy. It all about compromise. If he doesn't want you to do something, than he shouldn't do it either. If you need any more help just drop me an email: [e-mail]

Answer 4

I think you are thinking too hard about this. When two people are in a relationship it is not about 50/50, it is about looking out for the other person and being supportive and nurturing to each other. Forget about equal division. You should do what you are best at and he should do what he is best at and you should both help each other out when necessary. I see couples all the time get hung up on this point when what they should be concerned with is caring about each other and making life easier for each other. Be considerate. When you know he's had a hard day don't make home a place of battle. When you've had a hard day he should do likewise and both people should pitch in because you are in this together! Act like a team and stop playing against each other.

Answer 5

Men believe that because they are the MAN they know everything and everything should be done their way. Smart women know that a woman should let her man believe anything he wants. I just go with his flow but I know that He is not always right, not always perfect and I believe that communication and honesty are important elements in any relationship. It should be 50 50 but I prefer to call it a two way street because he is usually going in the opposite direction. You can always challenge him but this will only lead to resentment on your part. Should he have more say in the relationship? NO WAY!! Equal Say and Equal treatment equals equality that women have fought for so long to achieve. Stand Your Ground but believe me when I tell you that alot of things aren't worth fighting , arguing, or disagreeing over. Good Luck!!

Answer 6

Actually they should be 100/100, meaning each has to be ALL the way in and ALL about it 100%, not 50. I think you are saying that things should be a two way street, that if he can do something so can you and that is absolutely true. For example a lot of think its just fine for them to go hang out with the boys but its a cardinal sin for you to go out without them, there are different extremes of it but it is an indication of some issues on his part. Absolutely not, no way does he get some greater say in what happens because he has a penis, if anything that should mean he gets less say...we all know what they think with. I don't know where they get the idea that once we get with them we somehow become less a person than they are and we submit to their will, probably because their mothers did. Best thing to do is simply refuse to tolerate. Lay it out, say I don't care what your mom did I'm me and this is the way my life will go (and state some points) if you can't deal with that you need to let me know so I can quit wasting my time and find a real man to be with. If you give an inch they'll take a mile and if you don't stick up for yourself now you will suddenly find yourself sitting around wondering what happened to you, when did you become this piece of a person, it happens to lots of us, don't let it happen to you! Good luck!

Answer 7

I think that just because it's 50/50 doesn't mean everything has to be split right exactly down the middle. What I mean is there may be things in the relationship he enjoys doing more and things you do. So why not split it that way as well. Of course once in awhile you will have to do something you do not want to but that's where compromise comes in. Agreeing on every single thing doesn't have to be the end result as long as you keep your morals, principles and values in tact and don't let them waver.

Answer 8

If someone is in a 'serious' relationship, there should not be a 50/50. That would mean that each are putting in half and not one hundred percent. Where is the other fifty percent going? Each should have input in order to come to a conclusion and meeting of the minds. When it is realized, the percentage is no longer important.

Answer 9

See , the way you are putting things is no good for your happy future , both are young / energetic / full of energy / have right to consider ones point first . Both has right to express your views , best way is to sit together , write all the positive and negative side of different situations , I am sure you will find the answer , do not rush things .

Answer 10

Relationship is an art..Not a mathematical equation..
It will never be exactly 50-50..
But if you are finding that it is too much drifting on one side..think about it..There is no rule that says it should continue like that