How can I help change the way a friend parents her child?

Question

I have a good friend who yells at her 1 year old baby. I've tried to show her a good example of parenting whenever she's around (I have a baby, too) but it hasn't worked. It really bothers me that she calls the baby names and swears. For example, her baby was on her bed and was at risk for falling and she kept yelling "YOU'RE GOING TO FALL! YOU'RE BEING STUPID!" Of course, I told her (I was on the phone) "Why don't you just take her off of the bed?" This is just one example of many and it doesn't look as bad in writing than it actually is. She has a teenager who's out of control and she parented her the same way as the 1 year old. I warned her about how she parented the teenager when the teenager was little, but she didn't listen and now she has nothing but problems with her. She's making the same mistakes with this next baby and it really bothers me how she yells at her. Any suggestions? Please, realistic answers from experienced parents only. Thanks!

I should change the question to "What's the best way to help my friend not verbally assault her 1 year old?" Perhaps the way I stated the question turned some people off because several answers are terribly rude.

I am not a new parent. Like my friend, I have a teenager. She does things to her baby that are unthinkable to me, like hit her, yell, call her names. It's to the point where I can't be around her with her baby around anymore. It's too distressing for me. I believe it is my business because she's my very good friend. She just happens to suck at parenting!

Answer 1

OH.... I feel so bad for those children. No child deserves to be called names, or yelled at (yet there are so many that are)... BUT, I also feel for the mom in some ways. It is very possible that in having never been given any proper parenting tools herself, she only uses what she has been taught. She now is overwhelmed and frustrated by the rebellion that her first daughter shows and yet doesn't know what to do differently with the second.

I wonder, too, if she's dealing with post partum depression... that can be VERY nasty and can cause a person to feel things and do things that they wouldn't normally do without those nasty hormones rushing through them. Anyone who has never had it can just keep their mouth shut!!! I KNOW what I'm talking about.

There is help out there. Sometimes it takes asking the right questions to various people (like you're doing now) or doing some research into what you can do. You may not be the only person she needs to give that help to her, and she may be defensive and "bite back" out of fear to any advice you may offer.

Be compassionate toward your friend, but definitely make this your business because the safety and self-esteem of an innocent little child does not need to be sacrificed if there can be some changes made in an appropriate manner. "Raising" a child and "abusing" a child are two totally different issues. It really does "take a whole village to raise a child". I hope that you can find a village willing to help!

I don't know how you and your friend interact, or how comfortable you are with talking frankly with her... it may or may not be the appropriate measure to take, but you need to trust your instincts on this one. If she is having a particularly bad moment, perhaps you could say something like, "My dear friend... it looks like you are having a really rough day.... may I take your child (insert name) so that you can have a chance to rest a bit?" Offers of compassion sometimes soften people a bit, and that comment might allow her to realize that her behaviour is noticed.

A book on parenting that I particularly enjoyed was "Kids are Worth It!" by Barbara Coloroso.
I like a lot of what Dr. Phil has to say about parenting, too... and yes, we all raise our children differently, but there are some things that are just NOT right!

I hope that you are able to offer some help, especially for that little child's sake.... don't give up!

Answer 2

If you have tried talking to her theres really not much you can do. She has to understand that a 1 year old does not understand the concept of falling off the bed.The thing to do in that situation is to pick up the little bundle of joy.I am only 25 and I have a 7 year old daughter I have been kinda strict on her but I've been a single parent all of her life and I have tried my very best to rise her right.My parents have seen things they did not agree with they talk to me about them and I try to do better from thier advise.One learns from mistakes.My daughter is about to start 2nd grade and she was a honer roll student throughout 1st grade.She is very well behaved the only time I even have to rise my voice it's about cleaning her room which stays a mess.There are no second chances in raising a child once the baby grows up it's grown.But for the sake of the child if she is hurting that baby call CPS.I know you don't want to do that to your friend i wouldn't either but a friendship ain't worth the welfare of an innocent child.

Answer 3

I am a parent. And I have yelled at my child. But only rarely, when reaching a breaking point. And I always excuse myself if I can, or just get a hold of myself. It seems your friend is unable to do that. A one year old cannot possibly comprehend what is being expected of it. Or what she's saying. She needs to be the protecter. To forsee problems, and come up with a conflict-free resolution. It may be out of the question for you, but perhaps this child needs to be in a loving home. One that can nurture him/her with kindness and patience. If it's not done by you, then I pray for the mother to realize her behavior and correct it. Or else it may be observed by another party, who wont' hesitate to call Child Services. I hope this helps. Maybe you could have her read these answers. To see how others feel about her behaviour.

Answer 4

I feel badly for the baby. There are so many bad parents out there. If this woman is abusive at all to her baby then you shoud report her. Verbal and emptional insult is part of abuse. And, this is going to get worse as time goes on. You have an obligation to the innocent child. No one needs to know that you're the one who makes the call. It will be a good thing to do since your friend will be offered help in parenting which hopefully will make her life and her baby's life better.

Answer 5

You might want to covertly slip her some parenting magazines; all the ones I've ever looked at have at least one article regarding controlling your temper and how important it is. If she gets the information from an expert, she might take it more seriously. Telling her straight might only make her more set in her ways, because parents don't like being criticized on their parenting. Reading something about it, though, especially if she is left with the impression that she found this article herself, will re-enforce better methods or control.
I'm not an experienced parent but, at least for me, those articles made me stop yelling at my little siblings. It just happened to be the only thing available to read at the dentist's. My mother treated me very similarly as a child, but its important to help break the cycle. Just don't try to do it directly. If she has a reason for being stressed out or upset, try to help her deal with these issues; it might be the best help you can provide for her kids.

Answer 6

I am sorry to hear this. I have been in a similar experience. I wish I had some advice. All you can do is be postive, and make suggestions on how to handle things. Of course she may get upset that you are trying to tell her how to raise her kids.

Do you think the baby is in real danger? You could always contact the Dept of Children and Families if it's extreme. That may knock some sense in her.

Good luck!

Answer 7

well if she already had a child who is a teenager then i think she falls into the catergory of "she knows what she is doing" Although it is quite distressing to you...as it is to me...it sounds like she isn't purposely saying to this 1 year old...i hope you fall off the bed while you are on the phone with her it more sounds like to me that she is saying....don't fall off the bed...period. I am sure she is watching her child while on the phone or otherwise...

You seem to be a one time parent first child. I am as well.. What I have learned is the 2nd..3rd...etc parents are more nonefficient for a better word to her 2nd and soo forth child for a good reason. it seems like they have been there done that before...but not in a bad way.

If this is reall a serious issue for you then you should absolutely talk to her about it and tell her your concerns....Bringing up a child good or bad is something NOT to take Lightly!! Ask yourself is he truly abusing this child? neglecting her/him? abusing her/him? causing detrimental harm to this child? or is it more you feeling that the child should be spoken to more smoothly? is she beating this child? these are questions you need to ask yourself??? And then once you answer/d them you can form a successsful evaulation if this child is being mistreated!!!!! or rather more sooo..... neglected


And you are RIGHT......100%...nOONE SHOUDL EVER SPEAK TO THEIR CHILD BY CALLING THEM NAMES OR CALLING THEM STUPID..That just diminishes the childs ability to feel more secure!!!! she is wrong by that!!! no name calling EVER!!!

Answer 8

If you are truly her freind than you will call DFACS ...I know it sounds harsh but if you don't stop her she is going to end up in prison for killing that baby....You have tried all you can now you need to take action..because just think of how guilty you will feel and you didn't do anything to prevent that baby from getting hurt...I am not being rude nor sarcastic I am being honest with you

Answer 9

If you just take that child off the bed.. you are simply empowering that child to "miss" the mistakes its going to make in life... now im not saying a one year old is capable of distinguishing the diffrence in falling off a bed or not.. But I am saying that if you go behind your child and pick everything up or hide it all, take it away, then that child will NEVER distinguish the diffrence in what is his/hers and or is to be/not be touched. I let my son make his own mistakes.. and believe you me.. he learned from them. Im not saying her parenting is correct/incorrect.. but then again.. neither should you.. and btw.. if its that bad.. call child services, otherwise shut your mouth and you might learn somethign from her...

Answer 10

Contact your local social services office and ask for a list of parenting classes. Your friend probably won't go unless you go with her. Even though it sounds like you have your act togeter, you may still learn a few neat little tricks for raising your child.