How do you correct a possessive child?

Question

My 9-year-old son has been using a lying scheme to receive certain items that his friends have. I’ll usually buy the merchandise with his allowance for Internet purchases. However when I set a limit with his allowance, he’ll say that certain celebrities love the same things. He uses this scheme with me, his mother, and his friends that buy merchandise for him. I complained and I tried to restrict his allowance to none, but it continues with people outside of our family. For instance I have a crush on certain female celebrities like Eva Longoria. On one evening he explained to me that Eva loves to play World Tour Soccer, a video game, and she loves to read Candy Lane Craze, a children’s novel. Needless to say his friends have these items, however my limit was already established before the Eva episode. My wife loves American Idol, and he tries to use Paula and Simon for his personal benefit. What can we do to stop this troubling phase in his life?

Answer 1

learn to say no to him. Let him cry and complain and throw a fit. If you continue to just give in, then hes never going to learn and hes just going to keep using the same technique in getting whatever he wants.

Answer 2

OK, you have seriously created a problem. So, the first thing you need to do is recognize that you are responsible for the actions that your son is taking and that's going to be hard to do. But it can be done. Tough love! Remember, the values you instill in him now, are the values that will transform him into a man. He has to know that if you have something nice you have to work for it and the only way to get it is through hard work, not manipulation. He sounds like a smart little guy, which is good. He can start learning the value of money. If there is something that he wants and your wife and you agree that it is OK for him to have, make him do extra chores for the money. And, most importantly, let him know that the decisions you make about him getting something else after his allowance is spent is a mutual decision between you and your wife. That way he knows he can't play the two of you against each other. He'll quickly learn that you and your wife have a strong foundation together, and that, is yet another value that will be instilled in him. He will learn to raise his children in the same proper manner. Good luck! I know it's can be quite a challenge to raise children, especially at that age when they start developing their own personality.

Answer 3

The child is playing all of you like a harp. You cannot correct him unless he knows that you truly mean what you say. If you say no then mean no. If he get forbidden items return them to the store. Keep tabs on what he is getting and from whom. Your wife must also be involved in this, because it will do no good for you to try to do this alone. It will only turn you into the bad guy. He needs direction and he needs it now. Otherwise all this child will be interested in is what he can accumulate, not who he is or what he can become. His needs for attention can be met in other ways than showing off all he has been able to "get" from people. Even if his friends have certain things that does not mean that he should automatically have them as well, YOU are the parent, and you should be the one who decides if he needs and deserves the items in question. The lying and scheming should be an automatic no. That way he knows that if he attempts to get things that way, (even if he manages to) he will not be allowed to have them or to keep them. If you cannot return them to the store, give them away. He will soon learn what his limits are.

Answer 4

You have been given a lot of great ideas and answers here - you would do well to follow many of them (many will work). In all cases, it's critical to ensure you're:

1) clear - set up and agree to expectations up front
2) consistent - you can't be changing what you do week to week, regardless of the system you create
3) fair and reasonable - set up a budget you can afford that will also enable your child to buy some of the things he'd like.

When you think about it, this is no different from how you'd like to be treated by your boss - fair, consistent and clear - quite a recipe!

And once your expectations for your child are clear, and it's also clear what your child will have available for spending (I encourage you to create a budget with him), be somewhat flexible - let your child make his own decisions within the overall budget. He'll quickly learn it's all about "choice" (eg extra movie vs a cool t-shirt) . And if you give him oppportunities to earn extra dollars, that will be important learning too (and yet another choice)

The best way to do all this is to set it down on paper, then adjust over time as you learn and as your child gets older. There are some terrific onlline resources to help make this relatively easy to do (see below)

Answer 5

TV did him too much harm....it seems like he gets all his desires from following too much TV lifestyle. Try teaching him the value of hard-earned money....I know it's pretty old school method of disciplining the child, but it works.

Tell him if he wants something, work for it (household chores, garden work or a string of good grades at school)

Explain to him that he won't expect reward from every single 'good deed at home/school' because you don't want to inculcate bribery in your parenting. Tell him that some days you get the things you want, some days you don't. He'll have to understand that that's how life functions for everyone.

Sit him down and draft a list of things that he has while his friends don't have. Then explain that you are doing your best as a parent and that you are not withholding an item from him because you don't love him.

Children throw tantrums because they simply don't understand the situation. Instead of getting embroiled in an argument with him or punish him, teach him to accept things in life.

One more thing, maybe you might wish to monitor the amount of time your kid glues his eyes to the TV...it's bad for his character development and eye-sight.

Answer 6

Don't pay for anything, block him from using the internet. And most important don't let him entertain himself with your weaknesses. How do you think this will turn out you raising a manipulating hustler?

Anything he brings home, take back to the parents and set some boundries. Tell them next time he wants something to call you first. If you are going to break him of this. You have to be firm.
Don't react to him. Ask for the item have him come with you to take it back, also have him sit in on boundries with the other parents. Don't back down or you will have a career criminal on your hands. He is old enough to no right from wrong and you are old enough to teach him if he doesn't. Don't blame him and call him bad, dislike the behavior. you will have much better results.
Oh don't have the friend in the room when you return these items. good luck

Answer 7

Just say "NO" and mean it.

Also you should tell him that what he is doing is called "manipulation". And that you have decided not to be manipulated by him any more.

This child has the power in your family. You have freely given it to him - you need to take it back or for the rest of your life he will control you this way.

There is a book by James Dobson called "The Strong Willed Child" - get it, read it, and apply the principles to your situation.

Another very useful book is "How to Really Love Your Child" by Ross Campbell.

If you want to get the power back both these books will help!
Good Luck!

Answer 8

For the sake of your child, you all will have to be on the same page so far as how much you extend yourself and your monies. Please do not tell me that you are being manipulated by a child because of such frivolous reasons, one day when he says "Give me 40 dollars for some heroine because I have to have it, and all of my friends are doing it!" Then you will know that you have made some huge mistakes!

Depending on the age and your financial abilities, maybe you should consider the incentive program for items that he may want. If you give and give all of the time, is he really learning to appreciate the FACT that you have to go out and WORK and EARN money to pay for his whims and wants.

Give him a job! That's right, regular chores that will if he is consistent eventually earn him items that he really wants. It's time to teach your child the value of EARNING the things you really want in this life. If he is old enough to use celebrities and such to manipulate YOU and YOUR WIFE and others, then he is old enough to appreciate the process of delayed gratification and having to wait and make wise choices about the items that he wants to buy for himself.

Rake the yard, that's points towards what he wants, take the trash to the curb, more progress. Keep his room and ALL of the items that he ALREADY owns in good condition, and everything orderly...even more points. HUGE points for NOT sassing either of you. He is going to have to learn to listen and earn! Even bigger points for doing things without being told and the ultimate goal for the good report card and a well-rounded more appreciative child.

Honestly you are not dealing with a "possessive" child, he is materialistic, and he needs to learn how to earn. He is going to have to learn these lessons at some point in his life, and things he gets will MEAN more to him if he can have the pride in saying, I earned this because I worked for it!

Just a suggestion, and good luck! You and everyone who donates to his causes and wants, needs to stop and think that he has to know the price and the value of things! Do not yield, if his friends have the item, then he will want to work even harder to try to please you, the person with the CA$H!

Oh I am not saying that this is going to be easy, I am saying that eventually we all must learn that this world is not just handed to us, and that in order to have the things we want, we have to EARN them, not just be a slick talker.

Answer 9

I hate to tell you this but the problem is not with him.....it is YOU!!! What is the matter with you?? Who is the parent here? What about just saying "NO"??? Have you ever considered that concept??? I suggest that YOU go to counseling......you are a joke as a parent and are raising a child who will turn into a manipulating, coniving adult who is headed for a life time of trouble!!! So, stop complaining and acting just plain STUPID and shape up! You are very poor excuse for a parent!

Answer 10

You can't really be LETTING this child do this. I am the mother of 2 boy and one is eight, and there is NO WAY I would ever let something like this happen ,it's just ridiculous. Put your foot down and simply say NO and if he freaks out tell him you are going to take something away, and it can't just be anything it has to be something he LOVES and tell him until he gets his act together you are going to keep it. My son was wrestling with his brother all the time so I was always putting him in his room. But he would just sit in there freaking out. UNTIL I took away his gameboy for 2 weeks and believe me that shut him right up. But you have to stick to your guns, no matter what.

Answer 11

He is just grasping at straws. He wants what he wants. You cant blame him, we all do. He's smart to use your interests to benefit him.

All you should do it stick to your original limits. Dont bend except for special occasions (birthdays, etc). Give him his allowance. When he has accumulated enough to purchase the items he wants, then he can get them.

Make sure you explain that he will get "X" amount of money each week and when he saves enough money he can get what he wants. You might encourage him to make a list of items he wants. You could also offer him extra money for extra chores to speed up the savings process.

When he whines about it just become a broken record. Reiterate the terms of your agreement with your son.

That's it. Stick to your guns. He'll give up the schemes eventually.

(Oh, and please disregard the ignorance of the person who answered your question right above me.)